Acute Stress Disorder

[traci]

Is it called yerba tea? and where do you get it? Sounds like I could use that everyday about 4pm!

[trying]

It is called yerba mate'.  It is taken very hot in some countries but in Paraguay they drink it hot in the early a.m. and when it is cool outside.  The rest of the time it is taken very cold.  It is a social thing.  Leaves are poured inot a cup made of a gourd (for hot mate') or a cup made of a cow's horn for cold (called terere').  Then water (eithe boiling or icy cold) is added to the cup.  A special metal straw is placed in the cup that has a stainer at the bottom to strain out the leaves.  Only a little water is put in the cup and each person in turn drinks it dry and passes it back to the server.  People sit around in a circle and talk and laugh and get refreshed with their terere'.

Where to get it?  You can get the gourds and straws and yerba for the hot mate' at some coffee shops.  In Winnipeg there is a German community who have close relatives in Paraguay and some stores carry a less pricey brand there.  My brother-in-law bought some on line.

[Don M]

... What's stressing me about this assignment is that I know nothing about family beyond my own parents and siblings. I have no idea about my grandparents or great-grandparents, or even my aunts and uncles, so I don't know how I'm supposed to complete this assignment.
What I do know is that there is a pattern of people not wanting to discuss things...

How about (I'm making it up, but maybe you can get some ideas):

   The community interactions in my extended family are quite an interesting topic.  The are certainly some features of the immediate family where we had constant chances to interact that are worth noting...

   The more interesting part is that the rest of the extended family including grandparents, aunts, uncles, even cousins are shrouded in mist.  A name or once in a log while a glimpse of someone, but there is no contact beyond that and an avoidance of the subject of what is happening with these relatives.

   Instead of seeing these vague people as significant to me, I find that specific teachers, friends and co-workers have been the source of interest and support for me.  <<fill in whatever you like>>

- - -
Notice the very first sentence admits the requested assignment but within a very short time the redirection to someplace easier. 
- - -

   My kids used to hate assignments like interviewing a grandparent or drawing a family tree.  They knew they were adopted and that the tree we could help them draw only included them as "grafted on".  It always made them feel uncomfortable and think about the fact they had a birth family and relations that were locked away behind the state closed adoption rules.

   I am guessing your teacher is interested in your ability to observe and describe relationships between people, and not so much concerned about geneology.

[RADishMOM]

I am guessing your teacher is interested in your ability to observe and describe relationships between people, and not so much concerned about geneology.

DonM, you are absolutely right! I finally got in touch with my teacher today and she gave me an alternative way to do this assignment. I have my mom and dad's basic lines down for Mom's maternal grandparents and Dad's paternal grandparents, but I don't have my mom's paternl grandparents side or my dad's maternal grandparent's side. There's a sensible reason for that: My mom's dad died when she was a teenager so she knew very little about her dad's side of the family. And my dad's mom died when he was 5, so he knows nothing of her side of the family. I actually filled in a lot of names by using Ancestry.com and finding other people's family trees that included those lines. But because I know nothing about their behaviors and communciaton styles, I am writing a two page paper on my communication style, who I learned it from, how it serves or doesn't serve me, how it affects my significant loved ones, etc. I have some soul searching to do, but at least I have one more day. I thought it was due today!! 
JL

[justine]

Yep, that is exactly what i was blabbing about....taking an assignment and writing a well worded essay on the topic the teacher is trying to get at.   So if its a tree about "communication" and no one in your family wants to TALK....well, you have some interesting material RELATED TO THE TEACHERS IDEA/INTEREST.    Sounds good Don.  Good luck raddishmom! 

[RADishMOM]

I finished my Communigram, woo hoo!! Thank so much to everyone who gave helpful suggestions; I appreciate it so much. I think I did a very good job of analyzing my family's communication patterns, good and bad. It sure made me think a lot about my family and growing up and all those old memories, some painful. And it made me realize I am much more satisfied with the communication patterns in the family DH and I have made than I was with my original family. I did away with the patterns I didn't like and kept the ones that work for me, with a few exceptions, of course. And of course, this doesn't include DD18 because that is a "whole 'notha level" of communication! (Any Mad TV fans here??")
JL

[Geertje]

RADishMOM
Good for you, you made it, its over and done, its helplfull to look at those patterns.
In my family there was abuse, neglect from grandparents, that has a huge affect on generations, also mental ilnesses to make the drama compleet, but about emotions were not talked about and then you see all kind off fears popping up, lies and very strange behaviour, and if you not aware of those things, you can't work on them yourself.

[Geertje]

RADishMOM

I've seen some episodes from MAD TV, only I didn't knew how it was called, real funny  , I'm zapping often.

[RADishMOM]

Thanks, Geertje, I am relieved to have that assignment behind me. Once I started putting down all the behaviors and communication styles of those family members I could name, it amazed me how it all fell into place and I could easily see why I am the way I am. There are clear patterns that go from generation to generation. The thing about that is it somehow make me more able to accept myself more, and personalize issues less. I am sure this is the whole point of the exercise. Even though it was very stressful just finding family information, I'm so glad I did it. 
JL

[RADishMOM]

Saw my psychiatrist today for a follow up after starting anti-anxiety meds. I feel more agitated and more depressed than when I started them 2 weeks ago, but after talking things through, she came to the conclusion that what I am experiencing is genuine grief, not necessarily more depression. She wants me to allow my self to really grieve the losses I've experienced with regards to dd18, and then if I'm not feeling better after another 2 weeks, we'll consider more meds.

BUT...she also presented me with a challenge. She said the one theme that keeps coming up in my conversation is "I'm tired", and I said, "Yes, I AM tired! I feel so burned out of dealing with so many over the top stressors, I'm just tired of it."  So she wants me to take one day a week where I don't see or talk to or take care of anyone in my family, just go out and do stuff for me. Then, once my summer classes are done as of August 1st, she wants me to take a week, an entire 7 days, and just go away by myself and rejuvenate myself. That really is going to be a challenge because DH is not going to understand that one, plus there are lots of things that would have to be figured out before I could even think of doing that. Who would keep an eye on dd17, the dogs and my pet birds? And how could I swing it when money is already so tight with dd27's wedding coming up this fall, plus paying for school? And then where the heck would I go, and what would I do for 7 whole days alone?? It stresses me just thinking about it, LOL.

JL

[greymaster98]

Family or friend's place somewhere that you can drive to.  Someone that will stop you from returning home when you don't "really" need to.  That cuts your expenses down to gas and meals.

[Don M]

...she wants me to take a week, an entire 7 days, and just go away by myself and rejuvenate myself. That really is going to be a challenge because ...

Hi RADishMom;
   I haven't shared this for a while, but you remind me of our "Mommy breaks".  This came about when our family hit crisis after crisis until we all started to be crazy (really, not just a figure of speach) due to repeated tramatic stress.  My dw hit the wall the hardest, and I want to encourage you to print this and show your dh.

   First dw was so tired she couldn't continue to do the things she had been doing, then when I stepped in I got so tired I started doing long hours at work because it was a lot easier than being primary kid caregiver.  The first successful strategy we found was "tag team parenting", and the second was a "mommy break".  I'll explain each term because they are just code names rather than actual description names.

Tag Team Parenting -- One parent is on point (central focus/on duty) at a time, but the other parent stays as close as possible.  When signs of stress appear in the on duty parent, the partner says "Tag" and they change places.  The one of us going off duty makes no comment, doesn't finish anything, just turns and walks away.  Over to a quiet room to read a book, out to the car to drive around, off the the supermarket to get something, even just to walk down the driveway and look to see if there are any flowers or strange shaped tree branches.  There are practical limits that this is a timeout that cannot last more than a few hours, but the goal is to make "off duty" really mean not stressed out worrying about the children ! ! !

Mommy Break -- When dad (as the less central figure) can be available for 3 to 7 days, mom takes keys, credit card and about 2 changes of clothes and walks out the door.  She could drive off into the sunset, check into a local hotel, bring a pup tent, or go visit family or friends.  It doesn't matter and it is important that NOBODY (sometimes including mom) knows which way she will go or what she will do.  No itinerary and no reservations ! ! !  There are always options if you think about it and they don't have to cost much. 

For food -- pick up an ice chest with some ice, milk, cerial, bananas, ... 
Visit the used book store and find a few paperbacks ...
If it's summer change to a bathing suit and hang out on a beach ...
If there's an old friend within 500 miles you haven't seen, consider dropping in for lunch.
Bad weather? visit a library and read as many books as you like, or drop by a museum with a sketch pad and pencils and see if you can copy or even create something new.

ONLY after the plan of where to go and what do do have already started, call home and give dh a hint that you are still alive and will probably be back on some particular day so he won't have to worry.  No talking about the kids, solving problems over the phone, or rigid times for checking in again.

DH gets something from all this besides the chance to be 100% able to understand what it means to be the central focus of a family crisis.  He gets a glimpse of the wonderful woman who lights up his life with a sparkle in her eye.

Did you know there is a replica of the Athens Parthenon in Nashville Tennesee?
Did you know there are ice patches at the top of the Rockies even in July?
Did you know there is a tunnel under Niagra Falls?

[DianeM2]

Saw my psychiatrist today for a follow up after starting anti-anxiety meds. I feel more agitated and more depressed than when I started them 2 weeks ago, but after talking things through, she came to the conclusion that what I am experiencing is genuine grief, not necessarily more depression. She wants me to allow my self to really grieve the losses I've experienced with regards to dd18, and then if I'm not feeling better after another 2 weeks, we'll consider more meds.


 Who would keep an eye on dd17, the dogs and my pet birds? And how could I swing it when money is already so tight with dd27's wedding coming up this fall, plus paying for school? And then where the heck would I go, and what would I do for 7 whole days alone?? It stresses me just thinking about it, LOL.

Just popped my anti anxiety pill and ready to talk anxiety.
  You sound like me sometimes....I get stressed about being stressed, which just adds to my stress!   Ok, serious now. 

Hmm, you feel more agitated?  Is she thinking that is because of grief you need to work through?  Have the meds taken away your anxiety?  I'm on Klonopin, which I felt immediate relief with the first pill.  Also on Celexa, for depression/anxiety.  I didn't like the Celexa at first because it gave me bad side effects for the first couple of weeks.  I think I felt a little more agitated at first too, but it took away a bad phobia I have and wanted to stick it out.  Glad I did, I adjusted to it and now I feel great.  I can see where you are dealing with grief.   So I think your dr's advice makes sense.  You can always see where you're at in 2 weeks.

Places to go....I always dreamed of holing up in a motel and reading, watching movies and sitting in complete silence!  I don't know what religion you are, but how about a retreat?  I've always pondered that one myself.  Kinda scared to go on my own...Ya know anxiety!!   This is just a thought because I know you are in Minnesota and there is a retreat house in Buffalo.  www.kingshouse.com 
I looked up what they had in August, there's one on relationships.  When I looked up the description it was different than what I thought it would be.  It was something about what does God want you to do with your life right now, or something to that effect.  Hmm...maybe I should overcome my anxiety and go!      Anyway, they ask for a donation of $125.00 I think, but I've been told they will take whatever you can afford.  Just a thought, not pushing religion or anything, but it sounds peaceful and relaxing!!!!

[justine]

I love Diane's idea of a retreat place for your escape.   My parents once lived and worked at a Catholic one and remember non-catholics loving it too.   Very relaxing, peaceful and someone to talk to if you need to.

Don, i laughed about the "do you have a friend within 500 MILES (my caps) that you could drop in for lunch".    Only in radland would 500 miles be the cooling off time needed to be sane enough sometimes to have lunch with a friend.

Okay, dont know why that hit me as so funny....i used to drive 2.5 miles to hang out at a bookstore and go for a long walk where NO ONE knew me..or my life!

[RADishMOM]

Thanks for all your responses and great ideas. I'd love to try all of them, but when I talked to DH about what my psych doc said, he got very defensive and angry about it. He said he doesn't think it's right for a doctor to suggest a couple go away from each other for a whole week, and basically, he is just very threatened by the whole idea of me going off by myself, and he doesn't understand it AT ALL. He's fine with my going for one day, but I can see there will be a huge battle over this if I insist on going off for a week. I know this is all about his own insecurities, but he really needs to work on them and get more secure with our relationship. We've been married for over 28 years now, so you'd think that would be a big enough commitment for him to feel secure by now.
I really haven't decided what I will do yet. I could still go and just prepare to deal with the fallout later, but if I don't go I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me or think I'm a victim. If I don't take those 7 days for myself, it will be my decision out of compassion for my husband who just isn't in a place where he can handle that right now. I just wish he was. Right now, I'm just too tired to fight the one person who is supposed to "get" me.
JL