Dealing with I hate you, etc??

[kara5]

Marius97,

Words are a powerful thing and they can cut to the bone.  My dd15 has said many vile things to me - some in anger, some with a smile on her face and some just out of the blue for no reason.  My responses have been varied - angry, hurt and no reaction at all.  I soon came to realize that her verbal attacks actually weren't personal - she would attack whomever she could that was in an authoritative position over her.  Unfortunately that was me most of the time.  These kids don't want us to love them or like them so they continue with the attacks.  when they do begin to trust us the attacks get worse - it is their way of trying to push us away so they can't get close.

Respond how you feel at that moment so they can see real human emotion - that is healthy for them to see.  The attacks will never be easy but try to tell yourself it is not personal - and really it isn't.  My dd has been in rtc for 9 months and she just transferred her attacks to a female staff member there.  She is very nasty to her.  She tries to get to me on the phone occassionaly but I have the luxury of just hanging up now!

Hang in there!
Kara 

[justine]

Well, i have a guestion that may morph into an idea.   keep in mind that i have passive/aggressive girls who are so much better at dropping subtle non-verbal hints of "i hate you" than in voicing ANYTHING aloud.

Since as parents we have the right to have rules, and since we dont want to make our kids just stuff their feelings when they are so poorly in touch with their real pain anyway....has anyone tried setting a rule that "ugly words must be written or kept to yourself.....NO saying hateful things aloud."

That way, the child vents (also teaching anger management techniques for kids like trampoline jumping, pillow punching, angry drawing etc....) AND they practice obeying you.

I would only recommend this if the "words" were handed to a parent, not read and gotten rid of....not sure how i would handle that BUT my thinking is, hey, the WORDS were meant for you, right?   So shouldnt you get to do what you want with them?   And again, i WOULDNT read them.

Maybe this idea could be altered (beyond recognition? ) into something useful.

And Joyce.....the very very few times i have said something close to what you said makes me guess at at least some of the reason you were so regretful..... 1) our girls do not trust or forgive and 2) the last thing we want to do is give them an excuse to justify their misplaced hatred.

((((joyce))))   The amplification of the "wrong" is in the daughter's heart, not in the mother's words.    We do the best we can.