light in the darkness.

[blessingsindisguise]

Hello all,

Not sure where to put this, so I chose this topic as it relates to the incredible amount of stress that I have been getting through.

Sat down and realized that it has been really bad for almost two years.  It just got bad so slowly that we made small adjustments, bad became normal, until the end with my son when he ended up in detention and then rtc.

All along I was making it through the day, finding strength and energy, and being able to be supportive and encouraging.

Until something happened recently and I internally collapsed.

I wasn't prepared for this.  I am a strong person.

All of you have been a part of this as this has been the one place that I could turn to daily, hourly, for support, encouragement and guidance.

Literally, I need you all.

I have spent alot of time meditating, contemplating, praying and figuring out what I need to do to get past this darkness.

It is new to me and very overwhelming.

I have been looking for a light in the darkness.

Today I realized that I had been looking for the sun, when in reality, all that is available is a small candle light.

And it literally made me stop in my tracks when I realized that it was ok.  I am no longer in the darkness.

I then was in my back yard, which looks like a jungle, and something made me look over the deck, and I was able to see something from above that I couldn't see from the ground.

And that was a clump of black eyed susans prolifically blooming, tucked in amongst the jungle that is my overgrown garden.

They are bright and beautiful.

And again literally stopped and realized that a life lesson was at hand.

From the ground, it is an overgrown jungle, all weeds.  From above, there is beauty.  All I had to do was change my perspective.

And I realized that again, I need to change my perspective.

I need to find new ways to cope with this amazing amount of stress that is in my life.

I am not better.

But tonight, reading through these posts, following links, and allowing myself to cry, I realized I am not better.

But I will get better.

blessings

[traci]

Blessings,
YOU are strong, and the strength you need comes from the LORD! He put those beautiful flowers there for you and he's going to take care of the big things too. It's hard but give your sorrow to the Lord! He doesn't want you to carry such a heavy load. I'm praying for you. Enjoy your daughter and know that God is taking care of your son.
 
traci

[markie]

markie curses, (self censors, since some of you would be offended with the exact wording!), and says:


We're ALL in that Darn boat; or should I say Moat.

We're all run down, tired of the aggravation, aggression, anger, a**holiness(new word!) and the  absolute abject anguish
of what our kids put us through..

But...
Hey... You tell US all the time (and hijack some threads too...) so: I'll give you some hope.

Status Report  (Cont'd from previous day...)

We saw DS/15 and in RTC sunday (our usual weekly visit, and our DEMANDS that we make him "earn" the time he gets to play his online game on OUR laptop {using the RTC's internet connection{per agreement with staff director!})

Anyway in course of actually TALKING and interacting, he mentioned that the RTC had a field trip on MONDAY to 6 flags/great adventure.

Whoa, we thought.  that's a biggie.  didn't ask to his face, do you think you'll be alllowed to go.

Monday rolls around, we think of him...

(normal Markie diversion:
markie goes to a job site on monday (about 1/2way down to 6flags), discovers at 9:30 job was completed, calls boss, does paperwork, and heads home.

NOT even realizing he has the pre-paid 6 flags 'season ticket' stub in his wallet.
Not even realizing that his son is at 6 flags that day.
Not even realizing that he was less then 1/2 hour from the park..

Not even realizing until he is typing (IM'ing) with DD/23 how close he was to having a Real 'fun' day for a change, even if a solo day...

...end diversion)

Well wouldn't you know we got a call from DS/15 yesterday (we never call HIM anymore!) saying

Guess what?  I went on 5 coasters!

Background:

we once had a family with 2 kids, and 4 season passes to 6 flags.
Then my (dear) wife (and love of my life), decided it wasn't worth it for her to go because she doesn't do anything that moves faster then a merry-go-round.

Then my daughter says she wouldn't just go with me and her brother.

So one year (after DD is gone to college), I break down, and get TWO passes to six flags. me & DS/??

SO what happens? we use passes exactly twice in year... once in Spring, and once when I pull him at end of year.

and he refuses to go on any coasters...and claims I was forcing him, he hated the place....

(So now my post makes some sense I guesss...)

AUGH....the memories our kids try and destroy...)

Augh, the memories we could have if we didnt have ALL these letters in our families!


cheers
Markie

[Don M]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((blessingsindisguise))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

Put your little candle up on the table and maybe you'll find some others to share light with.  Let the love that God put into raising those black eyed susans just for you wash through you and make you whole.

I've been in that black place, and it is the tiniest hints like the first star between some clouds that start to chip away and then replace the darkness.  Share every little piece of beauty you see with the rest of your family, and save up these tokens in the treasure chests of your memory.

[justine]

Blessings, i see a poem emerging in what you said....   or more likely, one is already out there.. .

I am at work so i cant reference this scripture, but i often repeated it in my darkest rad (and other days...)

The Father said,....."a dimly lit flame I will not extinguish."

I used to remind him of this as my flame dipped dangerously below "dim"...it comforted me to know that I didnt have to have much, or anything really.....except a heart that could still say to Him,

"Oh yeah, not me.  YOU!"      ((((Blessings)))

PS.   Grieving doesnt feel good, but why not grieve?  It seems appropriate at times. 

[karleen]

Thank you, God, for the flowers.
((((((((((())))))))))

[ellasmom]

Isn't our GOD wonderful, gracious, and amazing! To place those flowers, but to have planted the seed of himself in the holy spirit in you- so you would be touched and reminded of his love in the simple viewing of the flowers. WOW!

Thank you for the inspiring note!

Denise

[traci]

I think about this often...

Sometimes God has to empty us out before he can fill us up again!!! When he fills us up it's so good pure and full of grace. Amen!

[blessingsindisguise]

You all are the best.

Went back and re read a study I wrote once.

About light.

And God.

Psalm 119:105  Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.

That when God said that he would be a lamp unto my feet, a light unto my path, the verse isn't talking a modern halogen, see for 10 miles light.

Most likely, it means a tiny oil lamp.

Light would be thrown a few feet at best.

I would be able to see what is immediately in front of me, not what was down the road.

And that is one perspective I need to change.  I cannot look down the path.

All I need to do, all I can do, is to live in the moment.

To see the beauty in the sunset out my back window, to relax in the moment of checking e-mail while my girls watch a movie, and to just remember that there are many blessings in my life.

Just sometimes they are disguised.

blessings

[Kevins Kitchen]

   Boats?  Someone mentioned being in the same boat?

Believe it or not, I've got a song for that, and it's a good one for this thread........



Keep Your Lure In The Water, Randy Travis

Keep your lure in the water, don't just sit by the shore
There are souls to be caught everywhere in this old world
Go where hearts are plenty, don't just drift with the tide
Keep your lure in the water, in the waters of life

The lord said, "Simon, haul your nets in
From now on you're a fisher of men"
Well, I like fishin',
That's why it caught my ear
The Lord knew how to get to me
And what I'd need to hear

Keep your lure in the water, don't just sit by the shore
There are souls to be caught everywhere in this old world
Go where hearts are plenty, don't just drift with the tide
Keep your lure in the water, in the waters of life

When the sea is troubled and it's hard to stay afloat
And you feel like Jesus is sleeping in the boat
Don't you dare give up on the Prince of Peace
And in the middle of the storm
You will find a sweet release

Keep your lure in the water, don't just sit by the shore
There are souls to be caught everywhere in this old world
Go where hearts are plenty, don't just drift with the tide
Keep your lure in the water, in the waters of life

Yeah keep your lure in the water, in the waters of life

[Truebluemom]

Blessings - It is amazing how God brings us what we need before that flickering light inside is completely extinguished.  I have to tell you that I was there before finding this forum.  I was drowning the noise with too much TV, reading, eating and sleeping.  It wasn't going well.  My quiet times with God were, well, too quiet.  Couldn't take the quiet and gave up.  I finally pointed out to Him what he already knew, I was going under.  Help!  It was only a couple of days later I came across the forum.  What a help this has been.  It is so amazing to find people who can read between the lines and finish your thoughts when you've just met.  There are so many incredible people posting here.  I love your posts, - even the sad ones are a blessing.  Thanks for sharing your journey so openly.  I wish we didn't have those dark times -  they always feel like they could last forever.  The truth is, they don't.  The truth is, we are not alone, not deserted, or failures at life.  Somehow God seems to use our pain as a not so gentle nudge toward the next bend in the road.  Hope you will have a brighter day tomorrow.  TBMom

[ellasmom]

Kevin.............THANKS, I love that song...............I am going to get on home and put that one in the CD player until it wears out!

Mu dd and I always shout out at the 'pray for the fish!' portion of another song!

[momof3]

Hi Justine,

Where can I find this?

,....."a dimly lit flame I will not extinguish."

[Don M]

Hi momof3;
   I found the place, but not the correct translation to get the exact words.

American Standard Version of the bible shows Isaiah 42 verses 2-4, or the whole chapter.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=29&chapter=42&version=49&context=chapter

Maybe Justine can fill in any blanks left.

[momof3]

Thank you.  I never read that with that meaning before.  It is quite comforting.