Completely overwhelmed!

[GoingCrazy]

I haven't been on here much lately.. so much has been going on and I just haven't had the energy.  Right now I just feel like I can't deal with this anymore, SS/11 is making me incredibly stressed out and DH is resenting me for not being able to handle it anymore. 

SS's behavior has gotten completely out of control in the last couple of weeks and nothing seems to be helping.  He's urinating everywhere, the carpet in his bedroom is going to have to be replaced it's so bad.  He has been peeing in his pants at school, when asked he blames the teacher for not allowing him bathroom breaks when he needs them.  I believe he's doing it because he's mad that she won't let him have EXTRA bathroom breaks when he's bored and wants to wander off.  He has had several bowel movements IN his pants recently and then hides the dirty underwear in his drawer with the clean clothes, or under his bed. (This is something he used to do when he was 5 and just started doing again). He's out of school for winter break and has been for a week and a half now.  I think part of the problem is his routine is changed being home all day.  I think that's part of what's made it harder for me too.  I've repeatedly made him clean the carpet, he's been urinating on his dirty laundry in a cardboard box and on the floor around the base of the toilet.  I'm so TIRED of this.  I can't keep him with me 24/7 and in all honesty I don't even feel like being in the same room with him right now because I'm so frustrated with his behavior and rude remarks. 

He's decided that he feels I'm "fat and lazy".  I'm 6 1/2 months pregnant and apparently doing laundry, dishes, taking care of 3 kids all day on top of whatever other household chores isn't enough  in his opinion.  He keeps calling my 7 year old daughter ugly and telling her she stinks and being incredibly rude to her.  He's been punished, time out, time in, lost toys, he doesn't stop.  His therapist flat out told me to just put him in his room when I can't handle it.  When I do that he pees everywhere. 

I've tried talking to DH and expressing my feelings.  He just say's I'm overreacting and it's pregnancy related, blah blah blah. 

Tonight we had a big argument because I told DH I can't deal with this anymore and something needs to happen NOW.  We've jumped through a million hoops with the therapist and available options in the community, and on and on.  We had a psych evaluation done that indicates SS has a severe thought disorder among other things, at this point RAD is one of the smaller issues (is that even possible!?).  We had a meeting on Tuesday with the therapist and a guy that was doing a PRTF screening.  DH has been sitting here telling me he's frustrated and thinks SS needs to go somewhere else for a while to get help.. when the professionals that are able to make that happen show up, he changes his tune and goes on and on about how he wants to be on board with getting him help and keeping him in the home! 

I'm at the point that I really feel like this is a losing battle, I'm tired of my bio kids being put 2nd because SS is making life so stressful.  My 7 year old daughter told my grandmother that she didn't think I loved her anymore because I stopped giving her hugs all the time like I used to.  I didn't even realize I had stopped doing it!  I feel like a terrible mother and a horrible wife.  I'm scared of bringing my newborn home in April because I feel like that's just going compound the problems that much more and who knows what attention seeking behaviors he'll start when he sees the baby getting so much time and attention. 

I'm considering asking my DH to just take SS and leave.  I HATE the idea of losing my husband, but I really just don't feel like I can stand being in this situation another day.  I need to be less stressed out for the sake of the other kids involved.  It's not fair to them.  I know that SS needs help, but I just don't have the energy to try anymore.. or at least not right now. 

I'm sitting here at midnight typing this with tears running down my face, it's probably a huge jumbled up mess, but I needed to get it off my chest since I can't seem to get dh to listen or understand how I feel.   

[blessingsindisguise]

come, vent, whatever.

we are here for you.

my opinion, take it, leave it.

Just my opinion.

Take your children and yourself to your mother's.

Until school starts again and you are getting a break while your step son is at school.

Tell dh that he needs to take emergency family leave (if he works for a big company, he should be able to get a few days pretty easily) and take care of his son.

You are right.

You are jeopardizing your other children, and your unborn child, and yourself.

There is only so much stress that one body can take.

The first rule of attachment parenting is take care of yourself.

Actually rules number 1, 2 and 3 is take care of yourself.

I know it sounds harsh and unfeeling towards your step son and your husband, but you have to protect yourself.

Please know that whatever you decide, you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

blessings

[karleen]

I SOOO agree with blessings.

It is so important for parents to be in it together when there are any kind of issues with kids.  Doesn't sound to me like dh has made a commitment to caring for his son to the full extent necessary.  Giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he just doesn't yet see all that is going on since you are the one home with all the kids.  dh has a stress release, he gets to go off to work.  You don't have that, you get to stay home and work.

Also giving dh the benefit of the doubt, some of what you are seeing as resentment from him may really be him feeling helpless.  I don't know, you know your dh best.  But men like to fix things.  I can imagine lots of different 'behaviors' if they can't do that.

Whatever it is, dh needs to be there FOR YOU first of all, and for ss also.  Maybe a few weeks of him being the primary caregiver will shock him into that.  And even if that isn't the case, YOU need a break.

As far as the carpet, clothes, etc go, others here have had to deal with this, we haven't (knock on wood).  But I recall posts about stripping the room so that only the bare necessities are in there.  Might you be able to remove the carpet, take all clothes and keep them in another room, things like that?  There have also been posts about putting the bed over the heater vent if it is a floor one so pee doesn't end up there.

I can certainly understand when you say you and dh have discussed ss going somewhere for awhile to get help, then dh saying something different with others.  My dh and I have had these same discussions.  We have also seriously discussed renting an appt and one of us leaving with a ds, whichever one happened to be the worst one at the time.  While NOT a great option, at the time we felt it was something to consider.  However, the way you discribed your situation, it sounded like your dh was trying to hide his feelings from those that are there to help you.  Could this be another way he is showing that he really doesn't understand the full extent of the problems your family face?

Anyway, I'm just kind of thinking out loud here as I type.  Please do whatever you can to get a break.  Is it possible to get some respite with the therapist's help?

Vent, cry, rant, whatever as much as you need to.  Know that we are here to help and support in whatever way we can.  (((((((((())))))))))

[GoingCrazy]

After I wrote this last night I sat here with a box of kleenex and a notebook.  I wrote my husband a 7 page letter telling him how I feel, what the problems are from my viewpoint, and what I believe is the best way to "fix" the issues at hand.  I left it for him to find this morning and he read it before work and left a quick note saying he would talk to me about it when he got home tonight. 

Our current situation (financially and logistically) makes it impossible for me to leave with the 2 younger kids.  My son is allergic to cats and my mother has 6 of them.  We can't afford for me to take them to a hotel without killing our budget for bills and everything else.  Dh is working full-time but not for a big enough company to be able to get emergency leave without losing his job in the process.  I actually have a part-time job from home on top of everything else, but as you can imagine I'm not making tons of money either.  We have what we need to get by and a little extra left over each month.

I've tried to get respite through our therapist and either the beds are full, or I don't follow "proper procedure" and ask far enough in advance so we keep getting turned away.  I'm fairly frustrated with their system as it seems to change almost daily. 

The bedroom carpet will need to be replaced, but tearing it out and leaving him sitting in a bare room is unlikely to fix it, he'll just destroy the mattress and anything that is in there.  He's torn up the window blinds, broken most of his toys, urinated on his clothing.  We've already got the heat vent blocked off because he was peeing in the one on the bathroom floor. He can't get to the one in his room since the bunk beds are over top of it.  We don't really have the space to move everything out of that bedroom and store it elsewhere in the house without causing dangerous piles to form and with our 18 month old running around safety is really important for him.

I know part of it is DH wanting to fix it and be the manly man that he is.  He's more or less told me that several times.  He doesn't want to give up and be a quitter and make SS think that he gave up on him or doesn't care.  I really admire him for wanting to hang in there and stick it out, but it's really frustrating that he's not willing to see the damage it's doing to the rest of the family.  It seems that at some point the well being of 5 people should outweigh the problems of 1. 

SS has been diagnosed with a severe thought disorder, psychosis, RAD, bipolar, mania, and has strong indicators of schizophrenia though he's too young to officially diagnose that way.  These are BIG problems, if he ONLY had one of those it would be much easier to try to help and deal with this.  When I first met my husband the doctors kept saying SS had ADHD and nothing more!  Now they say that was wrong and he probably never had it.  Things have gotten considerably worse in the last 9 months where I'm sitting here watching him spiral out of control.  When he first moved in with us you could have a coherent conversation with him, now you're talking about race cars and 30 seconds in he's ranting about a raccoon .. but doesn't mention this just starts talking about a fluffy tail.  You're still in car mode and have no clue what he's going on about.  I'm sure it's hard for him and I'm not sure how I would function with those problems.  At the same time I don't even know if he realizes those things are going on or if it's just "normal" for him.  He's written some really mean things in his journal lately about the entire family, mostly focusing on me and my daughter though. 

Dh has read his journal and discussed a few of the things with SS - but nothing is sinking in, changing, or improving.  The therapist tries to talk to SS and he puts on his act and play's Mr. Nicey Nice for him so he never really gets to see inside the kid, aside from what was written in the journal.  The pages in his journal show how bad his thought disorder is, he can't stay on one subject for more than a sentence or two, often changing in the middle of one so something seemingly unrelated.  Looking back at his older journals from several months ago this isn't happening.. or at least not as frequently.  He was able to write a good half of a page or more before changing subjects.

I'm totally baffled as to what's caused such a drastic change in his behavior, nothing has really changed in the house, aside from us preparing for the new baby, but even that has been kept low key.  Pretty much all we've done is buy her some clothes and that stuff is all kept in our room out of sight so it doesn't turn up ruined.  School seems to be different for him now.. he did pretty well for the first semester and now he's barely passing with D's and peeing himself.  The teachers aren't really telling us anything, and paint a happy picture full of rainbows when asked how things are going with him. 

[justine]

GM, might heart goes out to you!       Dh needs to REALLY "be a man" and do the hardest thing.   His son needs help and he is failing him by insisting that he/dh can do it himself!   Pride may be a part of it too.   I know he is probably hurting badly too over this and "Rewriting daily history" to cover it up....as in 'ds isnt that bad, its your hormones'.

He cant fix his son himself, he CAN lose everything else he has...including his marriage and other kids.   You can tell him I said so....   (((((((GM)))))))))

[Geertje]

Ha, I´m not sure if you have something on the organisations I put below, but maybe its worth a try, because you realy need a break.

www.cap4kids.org/kansas_city/parent_handouts/special_needs.html - 32k -

https://www.kcsl.org/(S(axbzlabnuftsf4ug2v1eet45))/php_groups.aspx - 52k

assets.aarp.org/rgcenter/general/kinship_care_2006_ks.pdf -

https://volunteer.united-e-way.org/cvs-communitycrew/volunteer/search-2.tcl?zip_list=68102

www.mnu.edu/academics/internship/index.pl?mode=search&dept=BSPE

www.yourdayaway.com

I´ll pray for you and your family

[Truebluemom]

Going Crazy - Sounds like dh is taking the ostrich approach to problem solving, along with expecting you to fix ds.  Doesn't usually produce great results.  With the behaviors you describe, I don't see how ds will get help without residential treatment.  I suspect dh will not insist on you delivering your baby at home, by yourself, to keep the family together - so why insist on keeping ds at home when he needs serious professional intervention.  (I know my thought process is a little left of center here.) Also, I would be very worried about the safety of your new baby; not to mention what your current stress level is doing to her emotional developmental health.

By the way, we used the bathtub for time outs with dd - saved on holes in the walls and peed on carpet.  We do have a hole in the tub wall, but it took years of pounding to get there.

You are in my prayers.

TBMom

[Don M]

Hi GoingCrazy;
   I agree, any family can be completely overwhelmed when a mental disorder gets out of control.

   I've been catching up on recent posts and I am afraid I see what you are describing as something we have seen several times in our family.  When things start to go down hill, there is a period when it could go either way.  If no way is found to divert the downward spiral (we called it a train wreck), then it does start to get into regression behaviors and loss of cognitive control (thinking disorder) along with extremes of defiance, anger and refusal to participate.  The family starts to live in constant agitation and fear of the coming explosion.

   The interventions we have found helpful involve a break from what's been happening and a way in which new thought processes can be started.  That could be time with a respite/foster family, a 6-10 day evaluation bed, a long weekend or week with only one parent and no siblings.  The main aspect that seems common in our family is that it takes a break from the building frustration and self-triggering emotions that is pretty complete.

   You have clearly indicated the restrictions of money and time within which the family has to work.  Please try the social worker and therapists with terms like "emergency intervention" and "severe regression."  This is far beyond asking for a few more therapy sessions, you need a break for yourself and your other children, and ss11 needs a break from the insanity that is creaping into his head.

   Sometimes we have been able to get this help when we needed it, and other times it was not possible and the situation lead to out of home placement.  Be frank with dh and these support people that if there is no other way, the family may have to break apart because of other children and to preserve what can be saved.

   I admire your dh's desire to keep trying, and refusal to give up.  That said, I also would like him to consider ways in which he can take a more active role in ss11's care so you and the rest of the family can regain some of what has been lost.  Maybe there is an after school program that would extend the school time to allow dh to pick him up and bring him home after work.

If you find absolutely no other options, try asking dh to think of in-house actions such as:

Dad & son sleep on the floor between couch and a couple chairs, throw a blanket over the top to make a tent and pretend they are all alone in the wilderness.  A few days like this will certainly change dh's views, and may snap the growing self-destruction in ss11.

[GoingCrazy]

TrueBlue - I like the idea of using the bathtub, even if I have to take all of the soap and everything out it's better than peeing on carpet.  I'm sure he'll decide to play with the water though which will cause more battles.


I think quite a bit of what's going on is DH just doesn't know what to do anymore, but since he had previously promised SS that he would always be there and not "get rid of him".  He is torn on doing anything out of home.  He has a big heart - but right now I think his priorities need to be re-evaluated. 


Don - I think a break for our family would be incredibly helpful.  Unfortunately I've been on the phone with about 4 different organizations, and our therapist already today with no luck.  Family will no longer watch him because his problems have escalated so much, they don't want to deal with him in their home behaving this way. (Not that I can blame them).  The only time he snaps out of it is when one of the therapists or others are in the house and he goes into happy little denial mode pretending like he's fine and we're just crazy people overreacting.  Pretty much anytime the therapist asks SS a question he'll giggle and say "I don't know" like everything is a huge joke.  I know he's avoiding answering the question and the therapist always pushes to try to get an answer, generally SS will just make something up to give an answer true or otherwise.

Dh basically takes care of anything related to SS after he gets home from work and on the weekends.  I'm here during the day with all of the kids, of course that's when most of the issues pop up also.  Right now my 7 year old daughter is staying with my grandmother so she can have a break from SS and get undivided attention from someone.  My grandmother is loving having her for a long visit so it works out nicely.  DS 1 is with me pretty much constantly for safety .. I'm not as worried about him emotionally since he's still pretty little and he gets lot's of cuddle time in.  I am pretty worried about the baby I'm carrying though, I know that a mother being stressed out can cause lot's of problems.. which stresses me out more.   
 
Christmas Day was miserable even with Dh home.  SS ruined every possible fun activity we offered the kids and was incredibly rude when we were around relatives.  He wouldn't listen, kept grabbing other people's presents, refused to say thank you to anyone for the nice gifts he did receive.  Christmas evening he had already broken ds1's new toy fire truck and kept trying to get his hands on DD7's Nintendo DS game.  He received a gameboy advance from his grandparents but I guess that wasn't good enough .. he broke that about 2 days later.  (no remorse.. and denies breaking it).

DH and I had a conversation yesterday, but it was sort of left unresolved.  I'm calling a whole list of people today until I get something figured out, if DH won't handle this then I'm going to do as much as I possibly can and sort of force his hand in the matter to get something accomplished.  I don't really see any other way at this point. 

[Truebluemom]

Going Crazy - For dd, if she got wet she wore those clothes anyway.  Of course she couldn't sit on the regular furniture with wet clothing....

Also, getting help is not abandoning your child.  It is temporary intensive treatment.  It shows love and concern and the ability to make hard decisions for the benefit of the person needing help.

[karleen]

Generally it's pretty easy to shut the water off in the house at the main valve.  Maybe you could do that while ss is in the tub.

[momof3]

Going Crazy,

I wish I could say something or do something to make this all better.  I just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers.  Please keep us posted and take care of yourself and your wee ones.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Going Crazy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

momof3

[Don M]

I hope you find some peace and some respite soon.

The combination over recent weeks is enough to make me worry about you and your family, especially the impact of having just too many different areas of concern all at once.

Lots of hugs to and from the ones in your family who can share them.

[GoingCrazy]

I finally managed to get SS put into a crisis bed locally with an organization that previously told us they couldn't help.  We used to go there for our therapy, and medication.  Apparently they closed our case on Dec. 4th claiming that the family declined further services.  We never had anything offered to us, but after calling 3 days in a row requesting help and finally insisting on speaking to a supervisor, they went ahead and took him.

He went in last night at 4pm and they will be dropping him off at school on Monday morning.  It's a short break for us, but it's already amazing how much the atmosphere in the house has changed. 

Hopefully by the time he gets home from school Monday we can get something else set up through our therapist.  We were told last Tuesday that they were going to put SS into a 2 week program for further evaluations in a mental hospital so they can attempt to medicate him, but the guy responsible for that decided to go on vacation for the last week and not tell us.

[blessingsindisguise]

that is good news.

Get a good nights sleep, enjoy your other kiddos, and spend some time with your hubby.

Praying that you can get some more resources lined up on Monday.

blessings