Reverse Trust Issues - Stress Related?

[Jeannie]

To be honest, you guys are scaring me.

Police, intervention, RTC.... I believe you're probably right, but it frightens me.

We meet our AT for the first time next week.  It's been a long, hard, search, but I believe we've found someone who fits the bill.  She is NOT talking about play therapy, NOT laughing at me being freaked out by the crazy behavior (I just can't take any more suggestions regarding sticker charts!!!), and seems to "get it".  Her passion is working with families affected by attachment difficulties, and she's been working on getting into the insurance network that we have.

I am very grateful to have found this therapist.  So.... I'll take your suggestions, pray through them, work on a contingency plan for meltdowns with DS8, DH, and the AT.  Must go...  DS is waiting to go for a walk with me.  It's been a good day.



Thanks so much, everyone.

[Don M]

To be honest, you guys are scaring me.

Hi Jeannie;
   I am sorry if it comes across as scary, but so many things we see in RADland get to extremes that most people can not imagine.  It might have helped to give you a piece of why my dw and I find it necessary to think in terms of "what's the worst that can happen?"

   In our family, we have found two basic tendencies.

1- Things escallate at breath taking speed, calm one minute and screaming out of control the next.  The drop from peak back to being calm again can be almost as abrupt, but the loops and turns along the way can push the limits of reality.

2-  We need a safety plan for that "worst that can happen" situation, like threat of immediate violence against parent or other kids, so we have put two boundaries in place.

• We can say to our kids "cross this line and we will have to stop you"
• If that line is crossed we know we can stop the insanity.

The safety plan gives us strength through knowing what to do in a crisis, knowing that either parent will do what is needed, and being sure the other will back up the decision.

Please believe that when I talk about:
Police, intervention, RTC.... I believe you're probably right, but it frightens me.

There are many steps to take short of that and we will do everything we can think of and ask for all the help we can get to avoid going there.  I hope you can talk this out with your new therapist and come to your own plan of how to keep things under control, and provide a safe backstop if the pressure cooker is about to explode.

[Jeannie]

Don,

Yes.  You are so right, and I have needed to hear those words.

Part of the stress-load I carry now is the lack of a plan for those "pressure cooker" times.  And like you described, they happen fast and seem to come from out of nowhere.

We moved 10 months ago to another state, and the security I had before in terms of support from therapist, school, family, church, friend with RADlet - most of that is gone.  I've been working pretty hard to find new sources of support, but it's hard going.

The friend I mentioned above suggested this online forum as one specific way I could link up with others.  It's been a blessing in many ways.

One of those blessings is having you and others here share your stories.  It somehow helps me keep perspective on our own version of RADland.  There are times when I look at what goes on in our home and wonder what I'm so anxious about.  Then another shoe drops and all heck breaks loose and I wonder why I haven't done more to have a contingency plan.  Your advice to talk through the worst case scenarios with DH and AT (and possibly the police) is a good one, and I appreciate the strong reminder to make it a priority.

Thanks again.  And to Trying and Anne for your good ideas, too.  I've talked with DS8 yesterday about his ideas for a good place to go when he's raging, and he had some serious thoughts about it.  He seemed to understand my need for safety from his rage.  That's a step in the right direction.

Okay.  I've hijacked this thread long enough.  Be blessed, all!

[blessingsindisguise]

You all are the best.

What a great thread to come back to.  Trust.  Wow!

What I have been learning as of late is that I have to learn how to trust myself again before I can trust my radishes.  Things spiralled so far out of control and so far down, that my home became unsafe.  Behaviors that should have shocked the socks off of us, became 'normal'.  I got in so deep that I found myself 'trying one more time', 'it's not that bad', the list goes on, until my son was removed from my home in handcuffs.  When the smoke cleared, I realized that I was no longer able to even see what was going on and could not trust myself.  I had to be brutally honest and self reflective and be very purposeful in setting healthy boundaries for my family.

Bijou and 13harley have been godsends.

I have worked very hard at learning how to defend these new boundaries, not tolerating out of control behaviors, and learning to trust myself again that I can parent my kiddos.

Now I am working on trusting my radishes and being more in tune to sweet pea and dd18.  Sweet pea and dd18 all ready have my trust.

The radishes....when they are trust worthy, I will trust them.  Until then....not so much!

blessings

[anne]

Yes, Jeannie, it is scary, but the plan in place makes it less so.  Glad you're getting things in place to help  Ds8. 

((((((((((((((((Blessings))))))))))))))))))))

We're almost back to that yuck point and my stress is on over-drive.  I've had to cut back to coffee at breakfast only (mild - yuck) and still we're walking on eggshells.

I know that Dd13 is rather, um, miserable right now.  I know that despite all we do, Ds11 may still run away again if the fancy takes him (he talked about it yesterday as we drove to the mall to buy his suit for my sister's wedding so I took it as an opportunity to go over where he runs TO = home; I'm still shook up over that).  Part of me has resigned myself to that fact.  Part of me hasn't.  I think it's that part of me that wants to believe things aren't so bad -which is why I need Dh's  to remind me.  Not trusting Dd13 on anything - we have no clean clothes thanks to her, don't ask, a looong story.  She stirred the pot all day yesterday after really enjoying herself on a day trip with the family yesterday.  Today I'm jumping with the least little thing with Ds11 and trying to appear 'calm and in control'.  But I don't trust him not to run today - not at all. 

Stress exacerbates trust issues.  There's such a fine line between overseeing things and paranoia.  But after you've had the levels of crazy we've had, like Blessings said, it almost seems normal.  My Dh, Mom, and Sister were more freaked out than I was about Ds11's running a week and a bit ago.  Don't get me wrong, I cried and was really shaken at the time.  But not as badly as the first two times when he ran from my Mom's.  Maybe my edginess today is some of the fall out - am I processing it now? 

I wish we could all get together and take a RADlet free holiday to somewhere nice - where they don't scream at you, no one goes from 1 to 1000 to 1, and where we could all just breathe.  That's my thought for today!!!  All of us on a nice island with lots of supportive people, warm ocean breezes, and peace.   
anne

[rapunzel44]

.... and margheritas.....

[anne]

Yes, Rapunzel, and margheritas!  (for me with no alcohol as my life is woozy enough and my tolerance is low!)   

anne