Regression and Poor Newly Formed Connections

[anne]

Am really wondering about this...

As we're working BC with our darlins, when we, as the loving parents, miss those cues or honestly, are just too tired to deal with them and we blow it, how far back does this set us?  I realize that apologizing, etc. goes a long way, but I'm concerned about awakening those new connections and then mis-firing them too many times which then may create an even bigger mess with the route opened and re-linked back to the old way of thinking.   Or, does just constant practice/repetition over-ride those goofs we parents may make?  (Yep, blew it with Ds13 and didn't give him the emotional support after Dd16 blew Thursday so he blew Sat/Sun but is better today)

Other a sort of connected thought, how do we get our kiddos ready to work with teachers/real world who may never seek to establish that connection and are only focused on the task at hand?  How do we prepare our kiddos to interact with others who 'don't get it?'
 
anne

[shakespeares-radish]

To quote a very smart person: "Good question!  Next question!" 

In all seriousness though I just wanted to chime in and say this has been much on my mind as well.  My husband has not yet entirely joined the BC bandwagon, and his parenting style is more on the reaction side than the responding side.  It's putting a lot of strain on an already difficult situation....and I am constantly worried that when he snaps and triggers a fear response with her (something you can do so easily it's scary---have the wrong look in your eyes, or use the wrong tone of voice, or yes--getting in her grill and yelling at her for doing something so pickle-brained for the umpteenth time today that you feel like you are going nuts)....my husband always feels bad afterwards, always takes a time out himself and then goes in to apologize, but you're right....it just seems like she has an unhealthy enjoyment of the position of power she's in afterwards, and the opportunity to choose whether or not to forgive him.....I can't really describe it but her response to an apology for our losing it feels really --- sick. 

I am not the girl with answers, only the girl with more questions.  Wish I could help but just appreciative that you've asked, and hopefully some folks will chime in soon with their knowledge & experiences.

[Kathleenb]

What I've heard, from more than one source - although I don't know if there is empirical data to back it up - is that mistakes are actually GOOD.

1. Our mistakes, and our recovery from them, teach our children that it's OK to make mistakes - that perfection is NOT the standard. Modeling owning up to our errors and asking forgiveness also teaches way more than any one hundred lectures on either subject.

2. Mistakes are somewhat like weightlifting and muscle-building. The way you build muscle is by creating tiny tears in the muscle - then when it rebuilds, it is stronger than before. Of course, you can overdo this and REALLY tear a muscle badly, which will then take longer to recover - but "small" mistakes and small muscle tears are good things. If you never do anything that causes a negative emotion in your child - how will he ever recognize those emotions? If you never do the recovery after such a negative emotion - how will he ever learn that things can get better?

re: working with others who don't get it - the point of what we're doing now is to raise children into adults who are close enough to normal that they don't NEED to deal only with people who "get" it. When we build the attachment basics for them, they will have the foundation they need to be functional. They may still get triggered, they may still be somewhat impaired in relationships - but the goal of what we're doing is to give them a strong base from which they can explore the world - on their own! And if we're successful at that, they will also be able to return to that base for advice, for kisses on their boo-boos, or just for a shoulder to cry on when the big bad world gets them down!


Shakespeare - have you and your hubby seen Heather Forbes at a BC Live event, or have you seen the DVD set?

[MissB]

I've been working with DD (now 12) since she was 7, full time. Before that, it was part time during visitations. Call it providence or divine intervention, but I figured out on my own to handle DD using BC modeling for the past 4 years  A T told me about the BC 3 years ago and I had been doing something close to it naturally it anyway.  Chalk it up to both hubby and I having been in therapy for other reasons previously (singularly and then for marriage counseling) and a particular philosophy of life we share; we have a therapeutic lifestyle and we call each other out on our behaviors. 

During those first 2 years DD lived with us, I made many, many mistakes. There is no way anyone can be prepared for this kind of stress.  I would blow up and lose my cool.  But, I always apologized and told DD that what I did was wrong, yes I'm stressed, but I handled it wrong and I should have done it differently. By me making these mistakes, DD has learned that adults are not perfect, no one is. It was a valuable lesson as part of her PTSD is trying to be "perfect". (Thank you biomom for that one!)

All of the mistakes my husband and I make we use for learning examples.  DH has been distant during these past several years. I've told DD that he shouldn't be, but he, too, has severe PTSD and he is handling things the only way he can for now.  His non-perfect example has been good for her to see as well.  She's getting to the point where she can recognize other people's behaviors (especially passive-aggresive, as its one her own behaviors it tweaks her when someone else pulls it ) and then appropriately deal with it.

DH and I do not cover up our arguing either; we argue right in front of her.  She was used to people arguing with fists and someone getting beaten (she would see biomom get hit by SD and by biograndmother and then later biomom would turn on her and she was the one being beaten).  DD now no longer dives under something and/or runs and hides (we'd have to tell her we knew she was hiding and it was OK to come out).   This last time, she took her anxiety and started folding towels while we argued not 10 feet away from her.  We are showing her, by example, healthy ways of arguing and when the arguing stops, healthy ways of working out the problems. 

I will tell DD when my own anxiety is over the top and I just do not have the extra resources to handle her at the time.  I remind her I love her, but I am at capacity (since I have an emotionally taxing job and she can hear the stress in my voice – I do not see any way to hide it). 

When I am avoiding doing something – I own it. I admit it out loud that I do not want to do it.  (Does anyone ever really want to sort that pile of socks or fold those towels and clothes?)  I also show DD how I will give myself some time to avoid it and then come back and finally do it. We talk about the affects of procrastination and use our real life examples. Even in our failures, DH and I are attempting to model healthy new behaviors.

There was one piece of advice that my husband gave me a long time ago when I was worried about parenting DD. He said, no matter what, I could not screw her up as bad as her own biomom had already done.  Thereafter, it put all mistakes I made into perspective. 

[neitlingme]

My husband has not yet entirely joined the BC bandwagon, and his parenting style is more on the reaction side than the responding side.  It's putting a lot of strain on an already difficult situation....and I am constantly worried that when he snaps and triggers a fear response with her (something you can do so easily it's scary---have the wrong look in your eyes, or use the wrong tone of voice, or yes--getting in her grill and yelling at her for doing something so pickle-brained for the umpteenth time today that you feel like you are going nuts)....my husband always feels bad afterwards, always takes a time out himself and then goes in to apologize, but you're right....it just seems like she has an unhealthy enjoyment of the position of power she's in afterwards, and the opportunity to choose whether or not to forgive him.....I can't really describe it but her response to an apology for our losing it feels really --- sick. 

I just want you to know you aren't alone.  You just summed up my situation here as well.

And you are right.  Those apologies just want to make me vomit.  It sounds so lame to apologize for losing it when the person you are apologizing to, looks at you like, "yeah, that's normal."  To me it isn't.  Not even remotely.  But it is where we have been reduced.  It feels so sleezy. 

And then there is that niggle in your brain that says, "I wasn't this way before....DN".  Oh it makes me feel so awful when that thought creeps in.  I struggle with it constantly.

[anne]

"And then there is that niggle in your brain that says, "I wasn't this way before....DN".  Oh it makes me feel so awful when that thought creeps in.  I struggle with it constantly."

Oh yes, Neitlingme.  Oh yes.
 
anne

[momof3]

Oh, my!  What a question, Anne.  I have often had this thought, but never actually formulated it into words.  I have now divided my life timeline into 2 sections - BC (before child) and AC (after child).  My AC timeline isn't always pretty, but it has shown me things about myself that I never knew - things I am ashamed of.  Outside of God, I am absolutely trash, and nothing has proven that to me more than dn has.

If nothing else, these kids will provide us with a huge lesson on forgiveness.   

[MissB]

BC - I was able to fit into size 10/12 jeans.  After child, I am now in size 20W (US sizes, not sewing size).  That's 4 years worth of trauma and depression to me. 

[Cher]

Boy, I hate to admit it.  BC I was siz 7-9.  AC and 6 years of RAD ( and a little menopause), a 12 if it's stretch jeans.  Then, I could buy a 7 or 9 for top and bottom.  Now, a 12 jean but a 1-2X top.  It stinks!

I am hoping that after this RAD trial and the awful hot flashes and night sweats finish, that I will go back to normal.  I should have sweated off at least 20 lbs by now......but NOT!