Hysteria

[anne]

It seems our Ds9 and Dd12 have reversed roles.  Ds9 is RRAFTBW and Dd12 is...well,  NOT!  She has reverted back to her screaming for 2 hours before school and 2 hours after school.  On weekends it's any time we ask her to do anything.  I'm contacting her develop. ped. and psych. about the meds (not doing anything) as her anxiety levels are through the roof.  We've eliminated homework at home and only sign if it's completed or not, and showering is on her, but still she finds ways to fight about everything.  This past weekend she lied to us 4 times over the same assignment - we signed off as incomplete -  (at school and done, at school and not done, at school and done, at home and part at school but it's done... nope, really it's not done).   When we finally got down to it, she said she did all this because she wanted to fight.    WHAT?? 

Yes, Ds9 is home from surgery and she was anxious, but this behaviour has been going on since the 1st full week of school!  It's not even October yet!  We do random treats (not based on behaviour), drive-by hugs and kisses so she won't push us away or get freaked out by the closeness, praise her for genuine accomplishments, not tell her of upcoming events to try to insure she can come, ignore, redirect, time in/out, etc.  Nothing works.  Dh held me this morning before we got up and was almost at breaking point saying, "if we get up she's going to start screaming and I just can't take it anymore."  We're hiding out from our daughter and trying to keep Ds9 calm as she tends to get him going too. 

This weekend she's at Grandma's practicing to be RRAFTBW and is missing out on 'Word on the Street' book sale event in Toronto.  We go to this every year after Church.  It wasn't until she had to pack this morning that she really got it that she wasn't coming with us.  Then, she was RRAFTBW on the way to school in hopes that I'd change my mind.  I told her that our daughter was RRAFTBW and was welcome home any time, but this self that she was showing wasn't welcome.  This is the way our AT phrased it.  Unfortunately, our AT has backed out as she's got a conflict of interest with Ds9 and the agency she's working out of now (job change).  So, I really need some feedback.  Help! 

1)  How do we reintigrate her back home on Sunday?
2)  How do we avoid the battles as she won't back down and will scream for hours? (sometimes saying 'goodmorning' is enough to start her screaming, "It's not good!" and humour or sweetness doesn't work)
3)  How do we keep our sanity?

Thanks in advance,
anne

[diane]

Anne,

How stressful for you.

Do you feel or observe this is something she can control?  Is this new behavior?  Did she do it over the summer, or do you suppose it is related to school.  We had the munchkin off all meds over the summer, but within a month of school starting, he was out of control, and he is now back on.

Hugs,

d.

[V]

Wow, I have no words of wisdom right now, but I'll pray something will come to someone soon.

hang in there,
we love you,
V

[anne]

Well, she came back and continued.  Problem is, after sending her away, she's even worse returning.  Tonight she screamed at her grandmother accusing her of bugging her - she was trying to help our darlin study as we're unable to take her screaming to help.  Good thing is?  I'm starting to let it wash over me and so is Dh.  Also, a friend is having huge marital trouble so my mind is not fully on her.  I just feel so sad for her, she's hurting and too scared to trust anyone.  But it hurts too.
anne

[Don M]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((anne))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I wish I had a simple answer that could help dd become more trusting, and for your family to be more able to find ways to reduce the fear that makes her yell so long.

Can you get the school to take over homework checking?

Can you tell if there is something specific (like a school bus ride) that makes her start off so badly in the morining?

[PaKettle]

When dd moved into Middle Hell err School, sixth grade.  We decided no more home work battle.  Ma and I had already passed sixth grade.  First we sat down with the Principle, Vice Principle, two counselors, and someone else.  Ma told them we would not be signing homework sheets.  We would, if dd asked politely, help her with her home work.  We would not do it for her.  One of the people there, I believe a counselor, asked "What if your daugher fails?"  In a tone that it would be our fault.  Ma looked at her square in the eye and said, "Don't you hold sixth grade every year."   Once the school was straighten out the next step was dd.  We let her know that home work was her problem.  We would help if asked in a polite manner.  We would not sign homework sheets.  We let her know the school knew this and it was Ok.   Put the responsibility where is lies, with the child.

An those of you that know, yes we are home schooling this year but not because of academics.  But the lack of
social skills was just causing more problems that one could imagine.  Wait, you all can imagine it.

[anne]

Thanks Pa.  I guess though our pickle is that she has already repeated a grade... okay, yes, the school does still have grade six next year but I'm concerned where this is going to go.  This past weekend she did the homework without a comment after I asked her to but then proceeded to scream about not cleaning her room, her brother looking at her (my response, "But you're so beautiful honey it's hard not to look!!!"), the sun being too bright, etc. Thing is, she's screaming about everything.  Psych. appointment is in two more days.  My B-day is today (yes, how dare I!!!).  The wedding we went to was yesterday.  Parent-teacher interviews are Friday.  Perhaps we'll get over this hump by the weekend.  Social skills for her are at an all-time low and her memory 'loss' rivals an 81 year old.  Do we let her repeat grade six again?  Another teacher has said she should revisit grade five for awhile.  Thing is, she's setting off Ds9 and him losing control is akin to disaster as his violence levels go way up.  We're not looking at homework in front of her but have noticed that she's refusing to do any school work (has lost recess, art, gym, drama, etc. - all the carrots) because she says she knows she won't have to do it at home.  The monkey's got us over a barrel because we tried this year to eliminate school as an issue by not having her do work at home, leaving her in the school's after-school programme to get it done there.  Not trying to be difficult, but HELP!!!

anne

[PaKettle]

anne,

Which I had an idea that would help.  Dd likes learning but on the sly which does help our situation some.  I do know that towards the end of last  year when dd would come home from school and unload her frustrations/anger/etc at Ma.  Well, Ma changed things around so the very first thing dd did when she came in the door was to sit down and color her mad/anger into one of those blank page books.  Sometime she would jump on the mini tramp too.  It gave her an outlet.  Some might say it let her move from disregulation to regulation.  I think those are just a pair of fancy words to say she moved from 'fight or flight' mode to a 'I feel safer.' mode.    Suggest you get those big fat  crayons if you try it.  They'll last the longest.

pa.

[anne]

Thanks Pa!
It's certainly worth a try as she does love to draw.  She used to go out for a run but it's getting dark so early now it's not safe.  I'll try the big crayons and let you know!
anne

[PaKettle]

Anne,

Dd loves to draw too - but this wasn't drawing.  As she started to get in to the coloring to get the anger out and when she was really blowing steam the Crayola was in a tightly gripped white knuckled hand and she would just go back and forth on the page pressing like there was no tomorrow.

I tried to get dd interested in running – got her all pumped up she ran five miles the first day nonstop and I kept telling her we should turn around.  She wanted to keep going.  I should have known better.  When we got home she sat on the deck and after a while she told me something was wrong with her legs.  It seems they were kind of rubbery.  Well, no kidding.  Two more times with a day off in between and she lost interest.

I was on a bicycle by the way, Ma says “You ain’t takin’ the easy way out and leaving me with dd myself.”  I told Ma I was ready to see my Lord.  “Tough.” was all I got for a reply.

[anne]

    Sorry, Pa, but it is funny - because I wasn't the one who was all tuckered out!  Our Dd12 wouldn't do the back and forth thing as she would rather draw a really scary or gross picture instead... but hey, if it comes out and we can talk about it eventually???

Amazingly enough, after seeing the child psych. today who told Dd12 exactly what everyone has been telling her for years, being suspended from her prefect position yesterday because of low grades and poor role modeling, there may be a change?  Tonight our Dd12 was in my arms apologizing and crying.  Will it last?  Who knows.  But tonight was certainly much nicer than before.  I actually resorted to the example of, "Ask not what your country can do for you..." speech (and we're Canadian!!! )  There is something different about her tonight.  She came home that way.  Perhaps humbled by the doctor?  Who knows.  Our Lead At is trying to set up family therapy for us as we are all thinking that perhaps she's ready to deal with what she's been dealt in the past...  In any case, she told me she was sorry for scaring us and worrying us and that she didn't realize that all this time we've been fighting to protect her, not hurt her...?  Maybe I'm being suckered, but I really needed to hear that tonight and I'm going to remember that on October 17, 2007, she actually was sorry.

Thanks for listening to my ramble... hope Ma cuts you a break and lets you buy an electric bike!!!!
anne