Positively Negati -- Positive

[anne]

Again and again I am realizing that it all comes back to working on me first and then the children (oxygen mask in the airplane analogy comes to mind).  I am working so hard on these to try to minimize the stress levels and put on my 'hundred year glasses' (in a hundred years, am I really going to care about this?).  I find that I am succeeding most days but those are the days that there are only one of them or when Dh is home to help.  Our two darlins take turns with all this  daily screaming and chaos which begins with kids waking up, and our Dd12 is now a master at turning our household on it's head FIRST THING in the morning.  This is my sticking point.  For 3 years I got up at 4:00AM to walk the dog 1.25mi, did my prayer/Bible reading, preped breakfast, put out Ds9's clothing, and would usually lay down for 10 min. before everyone got up at 6:00AM.  After emergency surgery in 06, and falling apart afterwards for returning to work too soon, I've learned that taking  care of me is too important to ignore.  Now, I'm up at 5:00AM to do this and am doing better.  I need this quiet time before the kids are up and the dog and I need this time together too since I'm back to work this school year. 

My question comes up, how do I organize mornings to avoid Dd12 setting the family off?  I have tried ignoring, giving her a different breakfast,having her eat in the hall/her room, eat just before we leave and stay in room/nearby while the family is getting ready, complete grace and coming back to be with the family, etc.  Nothing works. For myself I have calming hymns playing quietly, I minimize the amount of corrections I make in the AM, cut down caffine, eat right, exercise, etc.   We've eliminated homework as a battle issue and she's replaced it with a million other things:  toileting issues, garbage everywhere (I mean everywhere), defiance, meanness to brother (who then pops and gets violent), etc.  Right now I'm on a strike because she told me that I'm ruining her days and picking on her all the time.  So I told her that I won't do anything for her for the next 48 hours - no reminders, making meals (I put out what she can make for herself), etc.  Only things I say are hello, good morning, goodnight, I love you.  It's rather peaceful for me but now she's at me to interact with her... She is relentless and there is no getting away from her (physically) until she's in bed.  What do I do?  I've gone through your list of positive coping strategies, and right now my 2% is more like 92%.  I know it's bad when my husband doesn't want us to get up in the morning, because "she'll start screaming again." 

We are seeing the AT beginning this Sat., but ideas from you folks would help.  I know it's about finding our centre point again, but it's either Dd12 or Ds9.  EVERY day one is screaming about something.  How do I or what do I do to turn this around for me? 

anne

[karleen]

(((((((((((((((((Anne))))))))))))))))))

I wish I had advice.  I do have are hugs and prayers.  Take care.

[artsymominnc]

I find myself in a very similar situation in the sense that I am doing many of the same things to try to cope with my own stress, but I continue to feel overwhelmed by my son's persistent anxiety.      The early morning hours are my haven until he wakes up and his dysregulation gets the best of him.  The really hard and frustrating part is trying to differentiate between the "can'ts" and the "won'ts."  So often his behaviors feel like "won'ts" when I haven't dealt with my own stress and dysregulation first, and then things just tailspin into some really bad days. 

I don't often make that connection well "in the moment."  In fact, I am probably more likely to mess things up a dozen times or more before I see a pattern that might lead me to seeing things from a different perspective.  (On the bright side, I have LOTS of opportunities to practice each day!  That hasn't changed in years.) 

The times that I consider myself to be successful are the times when I have recognized a pattern, I can anticipate a problem, and I can respond in such a way that I lovingly let him know that I know something is going to be really hard or scary for him and he's going to have some trouble coping with it, but I'm there to help. In all honesty, it doesn't always "work" with an immediate improvement, but I'm committed to the idea that little by little this sort of positive interaction influences his ability to trust me to keep him safe and help him cope with his fears.

The other thing that I am working on...still struggling with to varying degrees, but committed to working on....is the idea that when my son is dysregulated, no one and nothing around him matters much to him, so it's almost pointless for me to expect him to care about my feelings at those times.  But in better moments, I can see that he does have an attachment with me, and it  just makes matters worse when I give a consequence that sends a message to him that I am not going to spend time with him or take care of him.  That stirs up all his fears that he is not safe, and then I'm really in a mess with him.

Been there, done that, often enough to realize even when I'm doing it that it's going to back-fire on me sooner or later.  Time in with me would probably be a much better option, but I admit that sometimes his behavior has worn on me so much that I'm having trouble even being in the same room with him. 

Yesterday was a really rough day for us (as Wednesdays tend to be--still trying to decipher that pattern.)  By the end of the day, I had surpassed my breaking point, and all I could do was send him to his room to give us some time apart.  The whole time he was in there, I knew that what he really needed was for me to holding him...talking sweetly to him...smiling at him.  I just couldn't bring myself to do it because I was too dysregulated.

If I can feel myself reach such a high point of dysregulation that I can't bring myself to care about doing what he needs me to do, then, for better or worse, I've gained an insight into just how hard it must be for him to respond appropriately to my directions and expectations.  Given how he bombards me with those red flags that show outward signs of his stress level, I woud dare say that his level of dysregulation is that high pretty much all the time....which is pretty scary.

The other thing I try to take into consideration...which can often be very humbling...is my own tendency to have knee-jerk reactions to certain behaviors.  If I could "let go" of my own habit of  reacting to those particular things, I think I could avoid a lot of trouble for both of us.  (I like the idea of the "hundred year glasses!)

One more thing...while it's sometimes easier for me to focus on the "baggage" that my son brought into our relationship, I can't ignore that I've brought my own too.  (And I've had more years to let it accumulate.)  It's not usually a conscious issue, but when I find myself becoming really stressed and dysregulated over something, I'm trying to ask myself where my own fears are coming from and what triggered them to such an extent?

For me, it has A LOT to do with loss and grief.  Without going into a lot of detail, my greatest disappointment was finding out that I couldn't have any more children.  Acquiring that information took a period of about 2-3 years, and it was heart-breaking for me not only because I realized that it was my own body failing our chances, but also because I wasn't entirely sure that my husband wanted to add to our family.  The stress of infertility put a strain on our relationship that has not yet been completely resolved. 

Despite everything that has been really difficult in raising our youngest son, I still have a longing for more children in our family, but my sense is that my husband doesn't, at least not to the same extent or for the same reasons.   When I see moms with new babies and families with lots of kids playing together, it triggers a lot of emotion in me because that was my dream. 

Our family life is very different than what I hoped for or anticipated.  I struggle with feelings of resentment that somehow adopting my son with all his special needs took away my chances of having the life I hoped for...but the reality is that the life I have now is actually pretty good.  It's just different. 

The old hurts that come to the surface when I'm feeling stressed are not my son's fault, so I have to be careful not to act on my worst feelings.  Instead, I need to find a safe way to sort through those emotions and appreciate that I can learn from my own pain and fear how to help my son deal with his issues. 

So, my best advice, Anne, is to keep your daughter close in the mornings with the understanding that this is a difficult time of day for her.  Try to see the moments from her perspective.  Try to ask yourself what her greatest fears are when she faces a new day.  I think empathy will help you gain more ground than isolation.  Look for patterns in her behavior.  See if there's something that she's expressing about a need that you can do something about. 

Know that you're in my prayers.  I'm starting another new day as soon as I sign off, and I'm hoping I can follow my own advice because we've had some pretty rough days here lately.  Take Care.
Liz   

[ellasmom]

I love what artsymominnc said but often with my 12 year old I need her to take a time out.......when she is not RRFBA I have her practice strong sitting. When she yells I say (in a whisper) I can see you still need a bit longer to practice your calming down. Whispering helps as she can not hear what you are saying when she is screaming, and any talking in a louder than necessary voice ie:yelling,screaming, attitude talking is IGNORED until she can talk with me in a calm respectful voice. I feel you are teaching her life skills: how to address other people respectfully and teaching her how to be RRFBA.

[anne]

You're right artsymom, about being dysregulated yourself as I too see it in me.  I tend to knee-jerk and I think it's because Dd12 sets Ds9 off and when he goes, well, rooms literally get destroyed, I get bitten severely, and I become house-mom to him for weeks at a time because his dysregulation lasts for weeks and even months when it's really bad.  Dd12 can set him off by just walking by, she'll smirk or do something and if he's close than he pops and she's then all 'helpful' and 'sorry' for mom and dad.  Truth is, she doesn't have to change if he's yelling as once he goes, anyone looks good in comparison.  She's always done it this way and Ds9 doesn't always have the wherewithall to tell her of instead.   

This morning I was rather pleased with how I responded, even grabbed her to give her a morning hug and kiss as she had no intention of doing that!  I was pretty positive today, and I know I need to be more empathetic, but my empathy and understanding only leads to her being meaner, sneaker, and even more 'in your face' to prove that we are the the bad ones and can't be trusted.  I'm trying.

I know about infertility issues as Dh and I have never had children of our own.  They aren't easy to deal with, but we're past that for the most part.  I can go to baby showers, hold little ones, and be thrilled for the lucky mom's/dad's to be.  It wasn't easy, but we got there, Dh and I together.  There are days that it hurts still (usually just before the monthlies) but for the most part, there is no way a baby would fit without us loosing our two darlins into even more raddiness.  That thought keeps me thankful that we don't have bio children.  There are days I really feel sorry for the dog who whines to go out within 2 minutes of Dd12 getting up - even if she hasn't started anything.  In the end, getting our dog as a puppy showed me that the amount of work that a baby would need would never fit in our lives.  So, God knows best where we are concerned, but it still can ouch out of the blue.

It's odd, the more we let go, the greater Dd12s stress is.  She only seems happy when she has no privileges, refuses to do anything, is absolutely miserable, and makes all those around her miserable too.  I know this is recreating her past, but it seems that she may be permanantly damaged in this regard, as she still hasn't learned to accept the good without turning it into a nightmare.  I'm sad as there was a time when I thought she was getting better, but it slipped away far too fast.

Thanks for the support and ideas.
anne

[ellasmom]

Anne;
Hang in there my dd is 12 and there are some times that all the positive encouragement we/I get is a tiny-did I imagine that(?) glimpse...........she is attaching, but the closer she gets the more scared she gets-it hurts more for these kids to have real feelings than it hurts to pull away!

[adsglinda]

It's odd, the more we let go, the greater Dd12s stress is.  She only seems happy when she has no privileges, refuses to do anything, is absolutely miserable, and makes all those around her miserable too.  I know this is recreating her past, but it seems that she may be permanantly damaged in this regard, as she still hasn't learned to accept the good without turning it into a nightmare.  I'm sad as there was a time when I thought she was getting better, but it slipped away far too fast.

ahhh... right there is your clue..  the more you let go the more she stresses.  That tells you her mind is not at the point where she can handle herself.  Her mind is back at infant/toddler stage and will stay there until she gets that nuturing and confidence the nuturing brings.  She may verbally say she wants you to let go.. but if mentally she is not ready or unable to handle it then it is just a recipe for disaster!! 

This puts you in a rather big predictament.  You can feel her stress and anxiety and it stresses you out, her stress stresses the other kids out as well.. everyone needs a break from her stresses and what she needs is to be around everyone but she can't figure out how to do that without getting really stressed and being mean to everyone which makes everyone want to get away from her.  And to top it off she doesn't get that and even if you sat and told her that she wouldn't get it very much..  ah.. she might get it some.. depending on her maturity level and if she can get past blame and denial. 

Mornings sound like they are very scary or traumatic for her, which immediately puts her in that mode, which immediately makes everyone want to get away from her.  I tell ya.. when we have a fear (especially an unconscious one) our reactions/behaviors have a way of making that fear come true!!!  And that is what she is doing.  She is (probably unconsciously) afraid of losing you and maybe that her brothers/sisters don't like her... So her behavior is working to make that come true. 

that is what you want to counter.  In the mornings greet her immediately and maybe even spend a few minutes with her, read a story.. read the day's devotional with her, give her a hug.. tell her it is ok.. it will be a good day and you love her..  give her rewards for being relaxed and kind in the mornings.  when she does even a tiny thing that is in line with that, even if it is really small... play it up big time.. (you are setting tone here and setting up for her to keep going.. the important thing is to work on setting the tone without anyone knowing you are doing that.. set the tone.. and if it is tiny tiny at first.. that is ok.. keep doing it.. keep building it). 

make sure you give her extra hugs in the a.m.  You might also want to personally, slowly, carefully, extra kindly wake her up in the a.m. with something joyful, happy.  if you wake her up.. make it very delicate, soft, gentle and a real calming wake..  oh.. and loving wake.. wake her up with a I love you..  You are safe.. it is going to be a good day... 

[anne]

Linda,

Again, you are right.  Problem is that right now it's a battle to be in the same room with her until after lunch.  I know this is my problem to overcome, but how?  The more we leave off for responsibilities, the less she does and the more 'in your face she gets'.  I have tried to hug her, wake her up gently, etc. but after that's done and I go downstairs to make breakfast, she looses it.  We do time in and time nearby and time out.  I have two raddishes.  They have to be kept apart in the AM or we have what we had today.  All I need to do is ask something that she doesn't like on that particular day  and she goes crazy... or not.  The AT says to mix it up but she does more mixing than we can deal with.  Needless to say, puberty isn't helping.  Neither are the meds.  Today she purposely sabotaged a programme for school that she had helped with and that  I was supposed to preside over.  Between her and her brother, I'm still shaking and I had to cancel it.  Now she's angry at me for that.  There's no winning. we've changed our lives over and over again for these two and we're getting nowhere fast.  Add to the mix that I was hit from behind on the highway last Friday at over 100 km/hr and our van is in the shop - don't ask!  There has been no time for me to get a break and even when I go to the chiropractor to get myself in shape again, they go bonkers. 

Yes, she's scared.  Yes mornings are hard.  Yes, we're trying to be supportive and understanding, but she's either fighting us tooth and nail over everything or she's complying with us to have us let our guard down and then she really zings us - yes, I recognize the pattern but am absolutely perplexed as to how to deal with it.  Everything has been stripped down and simplified for her.  We try to keep a regular routine and mix it up at our discretion as per AT instructions.  Even holidays are very simple.  But she rebels against that too.  Do we treat her at the age level she's acting (when we do she screams at us for hours because she wants to be a 'big girl'?) or do we give her the leeway to take responsibilities on herself (dressing, washing, homework, etc.)  Everything we do she sabotages.  Go figure.  We literally cannot do anything right by this child.  I've lost that ability to 'detach' to the point of being strong for her - not taking it personally.

Underneath all those yuckies (not to mention the body odour and the greasy hair), she really is a sweet kid.  But it's hard to get past the ODD and not let myself get triggered.  It's so easy to say don't let her get to you and be compassionate, but I'm overloaded and it always seems to come back to me being responsible.  Most days I can manage, but days like today it's just asking too much. 

anne

[justine]

((((anne))))   I hear the sadness/frustration in your post!  Dont have to be a mind reader either.   It must be so hard not to be able to find the "formula" to help your dd feel safe and settle into somekind of routine.  At least if you knew her triggers were consistent you could work with them.   It sure sounds like you are doing the best you can for now.   I dont know how you do it and it amazes me how hard you work and maintain your sanity.   How much you care for your kids comes pouring through even your most "negative" posts!

They are fortunate to have you and dh.  I wish i had answers for you but it seems like you are working out of a toolbox FULL and dd is just working as hard to sabatoge....chaos seems to be her sustenance of choice.

Please let the Lord, your dh and YOU be your greatest cheerleader...there were days with older rad dd that i literally talked my way through.  I often felt like i had just gotten over a nervous breakdown and i would treat myself as gently as i could, constantly telling myself (like 6-7 times an hour) that I was doing okay etc....

Life does get better believe it or not.   Thinking of you today.  justine

[MaKettle]

((((Anne))))

Your burdens are huge.  I wish we could do more to help, but we will listen & empathize & pray for your family.

These kids' brains were hard-wired early on in an environment of chaos, abuse & neglect.  That's why they need to recreate that.  That's what their brains are wired to handle.

I guess the experts would say to keep her world small, treat her as a much younger child & keep repeating that you will treat her like a 'big girl' when she is ready to act like a big girl.  But, I know how hard it is to deal with the constant abuse.  We simply weren't made for that.

You need a break.  I know, I know.  But if you don't get a break, someday your 'well' will be empty & then who will take care of your kids?

[anne]

Thanks.

Dh has taken tomorrow off and the kids have a PA day so I'm free.  Not sure if I'm going to work from home or not, but just knowing that there is someone else there to watch them while I stretch out on the heating pad will be a blessing.  Good news, Ds9's cast is off and his surgery leg is looking good!  He sees the surgeon on Mon. for post-op and then we start rounds of physio. 

Sorry for the negative this morning.  Both kids went off and my reserves were low.  God bless you for your encouragement and help.
anne

[Don M]

Hugs ((((((((((((((((((((((anne)))))))))))))))))))))

You need them and everyone in the family needs them, but don't expect dd to start the process or be nice about it, so make sure you are doing what you can to keep good things happening with dh and the others.

I'd like to say "AAAAAMMMMEEEENNNNNN! ! !" to most of the things you noted, I felt like a chorus line behind you while I was reading them.  Now I'll try to put something more than just "aha, btdt got the teeshirt" into some of the high points.  I know even the lesser issues keep happening every day and become more and more annoying when you cannot find a way around them.

Part of the hints are geared toward the easiest person for you to change -- yourself.  It doesn't mean you are wrong or causing the problem, just that you are going to have to adapt to survive, and by surviving you will adapt.

Another hint I'm going to keep for the bottom of the post (please get there even if you have to skip a lot).

...it's a battle to be in the same room with her until after lunch.

The beginning of the day is different for dw and I.  I find I almost always wake up with clear open thoughts and hope for a nice day, I don't mind getting up and getting started.  My dw finds that the quiet time after the house gets quiet is her happy time to let her mind wander and find constructive meaning in the world.  She will be still awake long into the night enjoying this time, but that means sleep is short and morning comes with anything but a feeling of being rested and ready to start a new day.

  I'm trainable -- I no longer start the day with a cheerful greeting and a smile for someone who is stumbling around unable to think yet.   I leared this from my dad who was always awake long before I was interested in admitting a new day could start.

So, for a dd who cannot face mornings it may be OK if she takes a little longer to feel awake.  To give her time, she should be in her room quiet sooner in the evening, and her alarm and the "morning grumpies" can be set earlier so she can get over it. 

... Needless to say, puberty isn't helping.  Neither are the meds.

It helps me to remember that "puberty" is a time when everything a child has taken for granted becomes uncertain, things that were always unthinkable become options, the body is changing, hormones are pumping, the sense of "I AM" becomes hard to keep because so many choices are always there waiting to be made.  All of a sudden the importance of "fashion" and "fitting in" are turning old friends into strangers.  I'm talking about a kid who is well grounded and loves life and has been successful in most ways.

Now add the challenges we discuss here with lack of social understanding, development delays, sometimes awkward movements or speach, and going to school can become a daily nightmare.

I don't have a solution to puberty, it has hit each of my 4 adopted siblings like a brick wall and been responsible for more trauma than almost anything else in their lives.  The only help I can offer is to simplify the "minimum survival requirement" to emphasize the tiny list (2 or 3 big things) that are not optional even if you don't feel like it at the moment.

... There's no winning. we've changed our lives over and over again for these two and we're getting nowhere fast. ... no time for me to get a break and even when I go to the chiropractor to get myself in shape again, they go bonkers. 

AAAARRRRHHHHH!!!!! -- I cannot say we've survive this one yet, and our youngest is now 15.

Please take care of yourself.  You cannot take care of high needs kids if you fail on this point.  If you need time to get something like this done, get dh or someone else to cover not only the appointment time but the hour or two of reactions the kids have after it.  Let dh have his recovery time after you are safely back in charge.

... It's so easy to say don't let her get to you and be compassionate, but I'm overloaded and it always seems to come back to me being responsible.  Most days I can manage, but days like today it's just asking too much.

- - - - - - final hint

I learned a new term that fits our parenting problems more than what I had words for in the past.  I've called it the "Chineese water torture" after an old Charlie Chan movie, and other people have called it the "trickle effect".  The first can cause extreme madness with just water, and the second is how great caverns are carved under mountains.  Similar effects are refered to as "battle fatigue", "shell shock", and "burn out".

My new term -- Unrelenting Crisis
When every time you survive a screaming fit, disappointment, kick in the shins, insult, or other crisis, the next one comes along before you ever get quite calmed down and back to baseline (normal).  Over time, our inability to handle our own internal stress and trauma make us more sensitive, quicker to take offense, and less able to endure another day of the same s**t.  This effect may be causing the parents to be less effective, and act in ways that are not helpful.

The answer is to get away from the chaos for some time, and find a quiet/healthy place to see beauty and feel love.  If possible this should be both a slice of life and sunshine in each day and also some longer times of "vacation" from the always stressful environment.

[justine]

Amen don!  A small or longer break that is CONSISTENT for mom is key.   sometimes my wed evenings was all i could think about but it HELPED so much to know it was coming!  justine

[anne]

Wow, do you folks ever know exactly what I needed to hear... Thank you.

I know all of you have just reiterated what we all tell each other, but telling it again and again eventually starts to sink in to this stubborn old head of mine.  Unrelenting crisis is what we do live in.  We've started Dd12 at the AT and she's happier than a pig in mud because she's now the sole focus of a new person to try out.  Ds9 is on his decline and only improves in time for dinner.  Dh and I are hoping to get the finances in order (yet another stress) by the new year, Lord willing, and perhaps go a wee bit into debt to go away for our 11th anniversary which we didn't do this past year (another broken promise to ourselves  ). 

I guess I'm just having a pity party for me as we go through yet another expensive round of AT and dr. appointments that only work because that child is the focus of our attention.  I've also noticed that as long as each child is the only focus of my life, he/she is fine.  If I start to enjoy anything for myself (work related projects, home related projects, me related projects... or ... Dh related projects!!!!)  then it's total melt down.  I know it's because they were neglected and ignored as wee ones, but they can't figure out that we're only human and can't focus on them all the time. It's just getting so frustrating to hear advice from a therapist or sw who doesn't live with these kids and really can only tell what works from what they have learned about in courses, on the job, or from others who are living with it.  Sometimes I just don't want to listen to them because it's so easy to give these reassuring platitudes and not have to go home and live with the darlins all week.  Then, you folks give similar advice, and...  like a stubborn teenager, I can listen because you do know where the parents are coming from.  It's comforting because out of anywhere we go in this world, you folks really do know and understand.  Sometimes I think that's half the problem - most people don't have a clue and sometimes we're too weary to try to re-explain it one more time.  As for changing me, part of the problem is figuring out who 'me' is.  I've lost me in all of this lately, and don't have a clue what my role is anymore.  In plain English I forgot that my affirmation doesn't come from being "mom"  it comes from being HIS daughter... and that's what makes all the difference.

Thanks for your encouragement, advice, and support.  Dh and I couldn't make it through without you guys!
God bless,
anne