Not the reaction I expected...

[Pogo]

I have a really heavy heart right now.

I finally have my 16yr old RADish involuntarily committed after 10 years of tormenting the family.  The psychiatrist says he's a mess and needs long term care.  I love my 16yr old but it was a really sad visit yesterday because I can tell he doesn't understand why he's there.  He can repeat what everyone else says about why he's there but deep down he doesn't feel what he does is wrong.  He just doesn't get it, which means he'll need to stay in residential for a very long time.

The reaction I expected from the family after having him committed was "Yay!! Let's celebrate the end of the siege!"  Instead I got "We're pissed at you..."  The looks and attitude I get from everyone else is that I'm the cat that just sh*t on their pillow.

Right now, I just want to leave too.

[MaKettle]

(((((((((((((((((Pogo)))))))))))))))))))

People who haven't walked in our shoes just don't get it.  But we do & we applaud your efforts to get your DS the help he needs before he's 18 & set loose in the real world.

Come here often & vent away - we can take it.   

[winnelien]

This is a damned if you and damned if you don't.  Please don't worry.  if yousend him for help, you're the bad mommy....if don't send him for help thne you didn't care enough.  Do what is right for you and him.  it is not so easy having them put into RTC, so if the psych thinks he needs it, well, enough said.  Be secure in your thoughts and feelings.  Moms usually know best.
I put alarms on my dd17 windows because she kept going out the windows at night.  One person told me that was perfectly normal teenage behavior...,NOT......in my house.  We prefer you use the door during normal business hours .  Dd's attorney told me that putting alarms on windows was "too restrictive" Letting her run the streets was "not giving enough supervision" and if I caught her going out the window, grabing her by something was infact "abuse in some form". No matter what you do...it seems sometimes like you are just screwed!
Hang in there.  We will listen and support you.  We have all been there or we wouldn't be here.

Winnie

[NWMom]

I have a sibling that wanted me to "just give him back", that judged me for sending him to an RTC(a year), and then thought I was nuts for bringing him home.

Because the family was not given all the facts a few years ago, { that older dd was a factor in his rages and behaviors} they think his current success is kind of hard to believe or I must have made all the rest up. Family is all out of state.

When he went to the rtc, our family at home had relief reactions for the adults, I miss him from the baby, and jubilation from the eldest.

Maybe not getting the celebration vibes at home could be a good thing as the one who celebrated here was very emotionally off.

And if you are getting this reaction from relatives not in the home it is because never having seen how bad it was they just do not understand.


Hang in there
NW

[justine]

(((((Pogo)))))   Is it your other children that are taking it hard?   It may take several conversations before they get it.   Perhaps telling them how sad you feel and hard it is to make such an important decision will help.   Tell them that ds needs help, help that is not available at home or he would have gotten better.  Some people are physically sick and that is easier to understand.  Their brother has a "sick" heart that makes him angry and unable to cope with regular life disappointments.    As he has gotten bigger and older, it is harder to keep everyone safe as well.   It is okay to be sad, mad and even glad.   You are all in this together.   And it isnt fair to their brother if you, as Dad, pretend everything is okay and not try and get him some professional help.  Perhaps others will have ideas as well.   

How did you end up getting him there?   No need to answer, just wondering.  Sorry for your heavy heart.   Many of us have felt the same way when our kids have had to be removed for their own sakes and for ours.      You are a good dad.

[Pogo]

Thanks everyone. 

It was the immediate family; girlfriend (live-in) and kids that were all still giving me the poverbial stink-eye.  They all seemed mad at me the last couple of days.  It was a strange reaction.  We had been under siege for several years now by our RADish and, as bad as this sounds, I thought having him out of the house for a period of time the atmosphere would be celebratory.

We spent some time recouping last night around the television.  When our RADish is in the house, we all head for our own corners of the house because he would fracture the group if he caught us all together trying to do something as a family.

I think everyone is feeling a little better this morning.  Our RADish is still in acute care and we're still on a waiting list for a bed at the RTC.  So there is still a little stress about when our RADish will be returning.

Justine, he ended up going to acute care by ambulance.  The police took him to the hospital and then the hospital transferred him by ambulance to an acute care facility.

[anne]

(((((((((((((((Pogo))))))))))))))))

Welcome!  It may take some time for people to begin 'waking up' from the stress induced state you've all been living in.  While nowhere near what you are going through, our Ds11 took off in July on his bike because he didn't want to come in,he got lost and was found by the police after going to an amber alert at 11:30PM 30km away.  He's AD, high functioning autistic, and has mild cerebral palsy.  It wasn't until Thanksgiving (Canadian in  October) that it began to hit me that we almost lost him permanently.  By Christmas I broke down crying in the store while buying his gift because I could actually buy and give him a gift.  I'm still processing what happened...You're off to a good start, pulling your family together in activities.  Take this 'break' to begin healing.  Come here often as there are many who have walked your path and they are so wise.
 
anne