Not sure if this is the right place for this, but couldn't find an exact fit.
I used to talk with my dd19 about her victim mentality. She was constantly interpreting interactions with others as rejection. In our family she would even do things to annoy the other kids and when they would react she would then cry about how they were picking on her. She spent so much time tattling on kids at school that teachers had to limit her telling to bloodletting.
Anyway, I used to tell her that she could be powerful or pitiful but not both. If she wanted to feel strong and have people respect her, she had to take responsibility for her choices and not expect others to respond to her out of pity. She didn't listen to my sage advice - surprise. She preferred people's pity to their respect. I suspect it was the easier road to travel and a better fit for her self perception.
I thought of it because yesterday I ran into some friends I hadn't seen for awhile who know dd19. In their asking about her, I noticed a pity/discomfort response from them. I realized this pitiful vs powerful idea applies to me as well. I let these folks know we were dealing with the situation, but there is a fine line between sharing honestly and retaining your dignity. I refuse to allow myself the luxury of becoming dds victim or appearing pitiful because of the challenges involved in dealing with her or our other dd.
I also was thinking that in my situation, with both dds not living at home any longer and having some sadness over the outcome of their choices, I had to make a decision about the focus of my thoughts and actions. When I chose to dwell on my disappointments I became depressed and angry. I spent a lot of time there after dd19 ran away. Some of that was reasonable as I needed time to grieve. Somewhere along the way I remember having to choose to let go of my thoughts, almost like acknowledging a death. I also had to set up boundaries that did not allow my dds to victimize me. I realized it was time to move on toward pursuits that gave life joy and purpose. That one I'm still working on, but it has more to do with living life well than about reacting to rad kids. I refuse to become a victim of rad or live a pitiful life.
In this forum I appreciate having a place where I can vent my sadness and frustration without having to explain or cushion my feelings. This is a really amazing place and I couldn't get along without you all very well. It also allows me to use my experience to hopefully encourage others. You are some of the most powerful people I have ever encountered. I'm blessed to know you.
I don't know if this rambling rings a bell with anyone else or I'm just hopping down my own little rabbit trail.
In any case I've finished my
and am ready to tackle my day.
