RADishMOM
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« on: February 21, 2008, 11:05:08 PM » |
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I think I may have originally posted this topic to the wrong place (Remote Parenting), so I'm reposting it here.
From reading the posts about remote parenting, it sounds very similar to what we're experiencing with dd18rad, who has been in lockdown in the psych ward for 2 weeks now, or however long it's been. DH and I are both so exhausted and drained, we've lost track of time. DD18rad is what the social worker calls "gamey"; granting and taking away releases for the doctors, school, social worker, etc, sometimes several times a day. One day we can visit and call, the next day she wants no contact from us. DH make the hour long drive every morning to meet with the psych team, but gets to see dd18rad only about half of the time. I go with him when I can, but since I just started back to school 5 weeks ago and have a lot of money invested in the semester, I can't miss class very often. And she usually won't see me anyway, not surprising since she's always taken it out on me. About every other day, dd18rad makes a "suicide attempt" whenever things don't go her way. She has tried strangling herself with her sweatshirt and her sheets, and choking herself with her own hands. She even managed to find an unlocked fire door and tried to run away the other day, but was caught by a security guard. My sense of security about her being kept safe from herself is not real great right now! Today DH went to the daily team meeting and learned that dd18rad was finally told that she will not be allowed back at the high school building. She's been asking everyone about it everyday, even somehow commandeered a phone and called the school 2 days ago! When staff saw her writing a long letter to the HS to beg them to take her back, they finally told her the truth, and as expected, she went ballistic, made another suicide attempt, though I'm not sure they're real attempts. I suspect they're just attempts to hurt herself for attention or when she's angry, parasuicide I think it's called? DH was told today that dd18rad has requested no visits or contact for a while, so we're back to that again. Since dd18rad is of age, it's not like we can parent her anyway, but how do we deal with the tremendous stress these almost daily traumas are putting on us? DH had to go on blood pressure meds today because his BP is sky high again. He was off blood pressure meds since 2005, so it's discouraging to see him have to go back on them again. Neither of us is sleeping well, and we are both so drained, so exhausted we can't even think straight. DD18rad is going to be in the psych ward till about March 1st, then the county is going for committment to their custody for 6 months so they can mandate her care and where she lives. She's been very uncooperative while in the psych ward, and the few weeks in foster care leading up to that.
Somedays the anxiety overwhelms me to the point of feeling like I'm having a panic attack, and each time we get a new phone call or report, I feel like I'm going to crack up pretty soon. For example, DH went to the 10 am psych team meeting today, then while I was in class at 10:30, my cell phone rang with DH's cell number, and I freaked! I was shaking, panicked, heart racing, mind racing, terrified of "what now??", but since I was in class, I had to wait 30 minutes for a break before I could call DH back to find out what happened. Turns out he just forgot I was in class at that time, but this is what these past 5 weeks or so have done to me. I had to do deep breathing just to be able to function in class.
And then today I felt like the final straw just landed on the camel's back: dd16 texted me in a way that made me worry if she was ok, so I texted back asking if she was ok. She said she thinks she has been in denial about depression, and she feels "stuck" and not happy like she normally is, and when I questioned her further, she said she thinks she may need medication for depression. I'm glad she felt free to tell me, but inside I am terrified that this will be the start of something like dd18rad's mental illness. They are both 100% bio sisters, so I know dd16 has the genetics for mental health disorders too. And how do I know that putting her on antidpressants won't mess with her brain chemistry and "start" something up? I can't even handle the thought of both of them being mentally ill. What we've gone through with dd18rad these past several weeks has been sheer torture, a nightmare that I can't wake up from.
DH and I have an appointment with our new therapist next week, thank God, because we desperately need it. But right now I am barely hanging on, and feel like I can't take it anymore. I just want to wake up from this nightmare, or hit an "Undo" key and make it all go away. I hate what this has done to me, and to my whole family. We are all depressed now, and that makes me feel like a failure as a mom and as a family. Maybe if I had loved dd18rad more, accepted her more, been kinder and more patient, or more RAD savvy when I was frustrated to the hilt with her, that all just keeps going around and around in my mind. And if dd18rad does kill herself, how much worse will it get, how much more will I feel somehow responsible? Because I do. I am a mess. How did life get so out of control? I don't want my life to be this way, it has just got to stop because the thought of this mess just continuing on and on indefinitely is absolutely overwhelming me. Undo! Undo! Undo! Thanks for just letting me rant. JL
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