Feeling like I am about to crack under pressure

[RADishMOM]

I think I may have originally posted this topic to the wrong place (Remote Parenting), so I'm reposting it here.

From reading the posts about remote parenting, it sounds very similar to what we're experiencing with dd18rad, who has been in lockdown in the psych ward for 2 weeks now, or however long it's been. DH and I are both so exhausted and drained, we've lost track of time.
DD18rad is what the social worker calls "gamey"; granting and taking away releases for the doctors, school, social worker, etc, sometimes several times a day. One day we can visit and call, the next day she wants no contact from us. DH make the hour long drive every morning to meet with the psych team, but gets to see dd18rad only about half of the time. I go with him when I can, but since I just started back to school 5 weeks ago and have a lot of money invested in the semester, I can't miss class very often. And she usually won't see me anyway, not surprising since she's always taken it out on me.
About every other day, dd18rad makes a "suicide attempt" whenever things don't go her way. She has tried strangling herself with her sweatshirt and her sheets, and choking herself with her own hands. She even managed to find an unlocked fire door and tried to run away the other day, but was caught by a security guard. My sense of security about her being kept safe from herself is not real great right now!
Today DH went to the daily team meeting and learned that dd18rad was finally told that she will not be allowed back at the high school building. She's been asking everyone about it everyday, even somehow commandeered a phone and called the school 2 days ago! When staff saw her writing a long letter to the HS to beg them to take her back, they finally told her the truth, and as expected, she went ballistic, made another suicide attempt, though I'm not sure they're real attempts. I suspect they're just attempts to hurt herself for attention or when she's angry, parasuicide I think it's called?
DH was told today that dd18rad has requested no visits or contact for a while, so we're back to that again. Since dd18rad is of age, it's not like we can parent her anyway, but how do we deal with the tremendous stress these almost daily traumas are putting on us? DH had to go on blood pressure meds today because his BP is sky high again. He was off blood pressure meds since 2005, so it's discouraging to see him have to go back on them again. Neither of us is sleeping well, and we are both so drained, so exhausted we can't even think straight. DD18rad is going to be in the psych ward till about March 1st, then the county is going for committment to their custody for 6 months so they can mandate her care and where she lives. She's been very uncooperative while in the psych ward, and the few weeks in foster care leading up to that.

Somedays the anxiety overwhelms me to the point of feeling like I'm having a panic attack, and each time we get a new phone call or report, I feel like I'm going to crack up pretty soon. For example, DH went to the 10 am psych team meeting today, then while I was in class at 10:30, my cell phone rang with DH's cell number, and I freaked! I was shaking, panicked, heart racing, mind racing, terrified of "what now??", but since I was in class, I had to wait 30 minutes for a break before I could call DH back to find out what happened. Turns out he just forgot I was in class at that time, but this is what these past 5 weeks or so have done to me. I had to do deep breathing just to be able to function in class.

And then today I felt like the final straw just landed on the camel's back: dd16 texted me in a way that made me worry if she was ok, so I texted back asking if she was ok. She said she thinks she has been in denial about depression, and she feels "stuck" and not happy like she normally is, and when I questioned her further, she said she thinks she may need medication for depression. I'm glad she felt free to tell me, but inside I am terrified that this will be the start of something like dd18rad's mental illness. They are both 100% bio sisters, so I know dd16 has the genetics for mental health disorders too. And how do I know that putting her on antidpressants won't mess with her brain chemistry and "start" something up? I can't even handle the thought of both of them being mentally ill. What we've gone through with dd18rad these past several weeks has been sheer torture, a nightmare that I can't wake up from.

DH and I have an appointment with our new therapist next week, thank God, because we desperately need it. But right now I am barely hanging on, and feel like I can't take it anymore. I just want to wake up from this nightmare, or hit an "Undo" key and make it all go away. I hate what this has done to me, and to my whole family. We are all depressed now, and that makes me feel like a failure as a mom and as a family. Maybe if I had loved dd18rad more, accepted her more, been kinder and more patient, or more RAD savvy when I was frustrated to the hilt with her, that all just keeps going around and around in my mind. And if dd18rad does kill herself, how much worse will it get, how much more will I feel somehow responsible?  Because I do. I am a mess. How did life get so out of control? I don't want my life to be this way, it has just got to stop because the thought of this mess just continuing on and on indefinitely is absolutely overwhelming me. Undo! Undo! Undo!
Thanks for just letting me rant.
JL

[Don M]

Thank you for posting this twice.  I read the one in Remote Parenting and could not figure out how to make a meaningful response, but with this one it seems easier because it really helps to frame the throughts.

I'll interpret the situation in different words and see if that makes sense and can help you find some relief.

Your dd18 has crashed across that age and legal status line, fallen into a pit and is digging deeper every time she turns around.  She started in another home (like a foster but less official?) and went sex crazed.  Then her inability to cope spread to many other areas of her life, and she ended up with a suicide attempt that was amost successful, taking long hours in intensive care and raising fears she might die.  She has blocked you from even being close, but has allowed your dh to at least be present and help by that simply support some of the time.

She's in the psychiatric ward at first to get help after the suicide attempt, and then with repeated attempts and crazy thinking that makes it seem she may have lost any chance at stability.  She's pushing everyone around her, especially mom, to constant worry about her, and then shutting you out or pulling you in with changes so quickly it makes you head spin.

- - - - - -

If I have the setting right, then the anxiety and stress are very traumatic for both you and dh.  You so much want to find a way to help, and instead of accepting and being greatful; you get pulled and pushed and torn appart by the extremes of the situation.  That short time when she said she wanted you to come, and even seemed to value you was so much what you wanted to hear that you could not help latching on and putting some hope into it.  To have that thrust back in your face not only hurts even more because that hope set up a much stronger reaction to the rejection.

- - - - - -

The only advice I have to give is that your dd18 is experiencing a very personal and major mental illness.  She is in the right place to get help, with doctors and nurses who will provide care way beyond anything you could consider if she were doing these things at home.  I cannot say relax and let the doctors do their best, because things are bad enough to make that "relax" part almost impossible to do.

The new scare that dd16 might be having some problems comes into an already overloaded and emotional reactive time and it seems natural for you to start worrying about her. 

Please think of a different view.  What if dd16 has been catching even a tiny bit of the stress and worry you have over dd18's battle.  Her need to feel and express something could appear in almost any form, but she chose to say she felt stuck and depressed.  If this has not been a problem for her, it may be just the situation and temporary.  Don't borrow ahead a lot of worry, but do get her lined up to be seen and heard by a therapist who can talk her through her reactions to dd18, and how much that is causing you and dad to get worried.

I am glad you and dh have been able to line up some help for yourselves, and that the doctors at the psych ward are willing to treat you as members of the team. The years of knowing dd18 which you bring can be extremely valuable to them in trying to find ways to get her to stabilize, but this daily or even several times a day new update on the situation can itself be a huge source of stress.

- - - - -

The following mental exercise is one my dw would use, and it scares me silly to even contemplate it.  I hesitate to post it but something in your situation makes me suspect it may help.  If not please try not to let it add to your already extreme stresses.

DW's "disaster" planning -- Go ahead and admit that dd18 might not survive the next 12 hours, and even start to grieve and plan the funeral, just be careful to remember this is not real, only the "worst case scenario".  The intensity of that grief and the recognition that it could turn real is horrible to consider, but it gives you a new place to look at the situation.

Every time you get a new report and she is still alive it is a step forward, and you can be relieved that it's not time to act yet.  Each day that goes by is a day of reprieve for her and a chance for the doctors to find a way to help. 

[RADishMOM]

Wow, Don, you did an excellent job of summarizing the situation. Somehow having someone else repeat my situation back to me so accurately makes me feel understood, and thus less alone in this struggle. You also helped me put things in perspective a bit, especially with regard to dd16. You are right; if dd16 is feeling just a fraction of what I'm feeling, she needs help processing that. If I need help processing things right now, and she's just a teenager, well it seems to make more sense and seem less scary. And you're right, she didn't act out, she expressed what she's feeling, and that in itself is a healthier way of coping. I have a call into a therapist for dd16, so hoping we can set up a visit for next week.
DH and I are familiar with the disaster planning exercise; dh learned it from a Dale Carnegie course he took years ago. I guess we've just been too stressed out to want to think about the worst possible scenario. Our imaginations run wild with worst possible scenarios everyday, but not in a planned, controlled way. I thought the worst possible scenario would be dd18rad succeeding at a suicide attempt, but DH says his worst possible scenario is dd18rad killing someone else, not herself. I hadn't thought of that, but yes, that's possibly even scarier.
Still trying to absorb so many things as I am the type who needs a little distance before I can really process this stuff in my head. Right now, I just have a terrible headache so I need to take care of that.
JL

[Geertje]

RADishMOM, I don't have much to say, it sound so overwhelming, but know that I'm thinking of you and your family and pray for you all that God may pull you through this very difficult time.

[justine]

(((((JL)))))   I am so sorry for all your heartache right now.   No wonder you are hurting.   Is there a reason dh has to be at a DAILY planning meeting?  Any way that the "staff" can make an executive decision to at least limit his visits so they can be the "bad guys"?   I would find it beyond stressful to have to go every day.   The rest of the team are the detached professionals....maybe excellent at their jobs, but they dont have their hearts invested in your dd like you and dh do.   No wonder dh is so stressed....

I agree with Don regarding your dd16.  First, i too am pleased that she sent a text to you.   I also know something about "situational" depression (most of us here probably do!) and thought of that right away.   It sounds like a very good idea to have her talk to the therapist about the current situation with her sister, her own worries and how to be "down" at such a time may be just a normal reaction to alot of pain and stress.

About the crisis you are in the middle of.....the lesson i am learning s-l-o-w-ly is that we dont normally stay in crisis mode.   Even in radland there are lulls, maybe not lulls all the way down to normal, but the peak of a crisis rarely is sustained.    The last crisis in my family was around Christmas time and actually was not about a rad/fae kid for a change.   But i took the lessons i learned from them, and though i was beginning to panic and couldnt see how life would be "good" again, i knew it was true.   So then, just because i couldnt imagine HOW things would get better, i chose to believe it.   Because it had happened before.

And when my ds gets out of jail, i will be tested to the MAX....he can spin a crisis with the best of them.   I hope you will be able to find some peace, some way to cope with all the uncertainties about your dd18s future.

The good news is that she is where she can get help.   The good news is that she is not hiding or masking her problems and the doctors are seeing the real thing.   the good news is that she has parents who did there best and love her.   the good news is she is 18, not 8 and has a more developed brain with which to understand and cope with whatever diagnosis is made, meds etc.  It is also good that her attempts to harm herself have occured enough to make any staff acutely aware now that she NEEDS SUPERVISION.

Please take care and check out the serenity prayer that kevin posted.   Reading the WHOLE prayer is a deep calming breath in itself.   Wishing you some peace, soon.

[justine]

And please come here and talk all you want.   If it helps to talk, we are here for you!   

[traci]

I'm not great at handling having my child hurting and away either. When my ds was hospitalized both times I wanted to see him daily. I waited for the phone to ring. When he was taken out of our home for fist punching me and running away, I cried what felt like non-stop. It really hurts. I just wanted everything to "be normal" and for everyone and everything to be okay. It's hard to be patient, but it will all work for good if you give it to the LORD. Hand over your troubles to him, let him carry the load, you've done it long enough. Let the burden be lifted and feel the peace that is yours. My prayers are with you for healing and strength.
Take Care,
Traci

[Sparrow]

ha! if my dd3 had the choice, i think she would probably request no visits for awhile too. she is out of this world...

[markie]

Hey.  Just remember we're in Madagascar.... Our children will NEVER ever be 'normal' by 95% of the world's standard and that means TONS of pressure on US as parents.

It's very difficult to change OUR mindset.  Cracking is fine... Crap, and curse, and type out to your heart's contentment HERE

and DONT let the #$!##$@#^%  RADlet's get you down!!!