Trauma Headquarters and ADSG

Please pry for ds10.  I'm going to call him "Sonny" as I do on FB, because it is less impersonal.  Anyway, he took a very small pocketknife to school on Friday.  Showed it to the others on the bus.  Was written up by the bus driver.  Hubby was called  at work yesterday by a school person, he didn't know who it was (because school isn't his department).  Any way, we took Sonny to his regular therapy appointment yesterday afternoon, telling about what has been happening since his last appointment.  Therapist recommended he go directly to respite from her place.  We did.  Respite provider talked to us out of his presence.  Told us that not only could Sonny get suspended, but maybe expelled, and sent to a school for extreme behavior children,  or he could get arrested--because of a no-tolerance policy--and sent to jail (juvie).

Se we need your prayers.  I know that "All things work together for those that love the Lord, and those who are the called according to His purpose," but sometimes it gets hard.  Hubby has been emotionless about all of this, and I cannot lean on him.  Last night I guess I was what you all call numb.  We went out to dinner after dropping Sonny at respite, and I couldn't feel anything.  Thought that was weird, but this morning, I'm trying to hold back the tears; don't want to show up at school looking as if I've lost my marbles.

Thank you to each of you for being there.

Now I have to make some inperson calls to others on a prayer chain.

TY

Dottie

Absolutely will pray!

blessings

Oh, Dottie, I'm so sorry.  Praying for you right now, that God's grace would ABOUND in this situation.  I'm glad Sonny's in respite, and that you get a chance to decompress.  Come here often, okay?  We enjoy your presence, even it it's a virtual presence!

Behavior is communication, and he is communicating that he is stressed.
Regardless of his disability or IEP, carrying a weapon to school could get him suspended or expelled. HOWEVER... you need to get an official DX of RAD and PTSD and whatever else, and make the school understand what those DX mean to him and to the school in terms of his behaviors AT SCHOOL. Unless that is all on record, his behavior will be determined to be NOT a manifestation of his disability, and he will be on the standard discipline track.

Trust me... been down the "weapons to school" track two years running...

Please see the presentation I did for his school this year: http://www.anymeeting.com/AttachIntegrate/E952DF848947 (http://www.anymeeting.com/AttachIntegrate/E952DF848947)
It may help your school understand.

Also, see this page http://www.attachmentandintegrationmethods.com/2011/07/11/iep-helps/ (http://www.attachmentandintegrationmethods.com/2011/07/11/iep-helps/) for more ways to present your son's specific case to your school in a way they can understand. You want them to see your son as a person whose history includes early trauma, which now influences everything about him, not as a kid who is choosing bad behaviors or looking for attention.

Get an educational advocate if you possibly can. Ours was an incredible help to us. Best if you can hire someone local to attend meetings with you, but if not, I can put you in touch with ours, and she can help in the background. She is awesome, and was herself adopted at age 5, so she truly GETS the trauma piece.

((((Dottie)))))    I hope you find someone to talk to and lean on.   What is Sonny's school counselor like?   An educational advocate sounds like a great idea Kathleen. 

((((hugs)))) I will certainly add my prayers for your family. how difficult it must have been & I know it will be hard. You did what is best for your child. You've given him a place to go to hopefully start to heal. It took a lot of strength to make that decision.

Respite - - he's been there before, so he knows the drill.  I took him some clean clothes tonight, and his meds.

Prayers - - Thank you all for your prayers, they are really appreciated.  I talked to our pastor today, and he listened, then had prayer with me.  I had called the church office earlier and asked that we be put on the prayer chain, with no specific details.  It was done, as there were messages waiting tonight when we got home.

Caring for me - -  I called my daughter this morning (far away) and she recommended I take an Ativan, which was left over from a hospital stay.  I also
went to the doctor for a persistent headache.  I took the Ativan after returning from the doctor and slept for 4 hours.

School situation - - I talked to the guidance counselor.  He said there is no problem, becaus e the knife was not seen in school, and the rules are different for on the bus.  As Sonny did not open the knife or threaten anyone, and the bus driver or  monitor did not make a formal report, there are no consequences.  I told him more about Ben and his situation, and of his multiple doctors and therapists, and he said that we were being proactive and that the school could provide nothing more than what we were already doing.   :blob1: 
Also, Sonny is due for some more testing as I requested at the end of last school year, so that will have to wait until he's back in school.  His respite provider usually can get the children back to where they need to be in ten days.

Oh, we ran into the teacher as we left the guidance office.  She was worried about Ben getting his school work done.  I said that the lady only worked on behaviors, and that she would have to take care of the schoolwork when he gets back.. i was very polite and smiling, not my normal smart-aleck attitude...

So far, so good.

Jeannie - -

I'm here more often than you know.  I was off for a few months, and am slowly catching up on things.  I usually don't post often, but am with you all in spirit.

Thank you all for both caring and understanding.

Dottie

By all means you have my prayers, Dottie.

Keep the faith.  Hopefully everything will work out positively for all involved!

I'm thinking of you!

Hugs.

Well, yesterday the respite lady told me that ds10 would be OK to come home on Thursday.  So I e-mailed his teacher, and cancelled his therapy for tomorrow, and was planning to get everything in the house locked back up...

She called me this afternoon, and I wondered why, because we had it all set up for tomorrow.  Seems he was siting a the table, with no one around, and the lady was busy doing something so that she didn't look at her phone.  She went to check on him, and he had removed the wing nuts from the table.  Thankfully, it had not fallen apart with hi there.  he had NOT been sitting, but sneaking (his specialty) around the table from chair to chair, taking the nus off and putting them in his pocket.  He usually takes only small things that he can put in his pockets.

She talked to him about it, and called me to give me an update.  We agreed that the earliest he can come home would be Sunday.  She had told him that I would be picking him up tomorrow, and he sabotaged himself!!

Maybe he didn't want to come home?  Who knows???

fear...

you abandoned him...

if he doesn't come home you can't do it again - better that he should do it himself - better to be in control...

That would seem to be what is happening, except he has been there several times before, and knows that I will come get him.  Or is it a base fear that he can't recognize or express?

It's still fear.

I left town for the Empowered to Connect seminar. Left Thursday after work, returned Saturday before midnight. DS16 knew I was going.

Friday morning he calls me. All this in one breath, mind you:


He's been with us since he was four. He still has the fear that we might not come back. Only difference is, now he's much closer to being able to express it in words.

I stayed at the home of a FB friend. Her dd & ds have been home < 1 yr. DD was arguing about where she was going Saturday while mom & dad were at the conference. Kept trying to suggest other arrangements. Her bro was staying w/other friends for the day. Their 3yo bio, still another location. She kept saying they shouldn't all be separated, kept trying to get a couple of them together at one place. Mom was missing it - I whispered to her. When tucking in her dd, she reassured her that everyone would be back home together for dinner. Dd calmed and went to sleep. (Not saying that's the end of it - but it was definitely her fear talking!)

DS1- came home yesterday morning.  He was absolutely terrible for the rest of the day.  Of course it didn't help that less than 5 min after entering the house, dh knocked over the top shelf of ds's bookcase (which had been broken by said ds).  In doing so, he knocked off four containers of water in which were growing pothos cuttings.  I ran in to see what ds screamed about, and sent dh for a towel to clean up the mess he had made.  He usually evades cleaning up any messes he or anyone else makes.  Dh expected ds to come home all "healed" and to act like a regular boy.

On the way over, he asked if I thought there would be any change.  I told him that ds wouldn't change unless his parents changed.  So he asked me what he should do. ???  I told him to read and learn about how to help ds change.  So he wants to know what my research has taught me.
Note:  We have had ds since seven months ans he was diagnosed at 4 1/2!  I told him that I could no more easily tell him what I have learned about raising a RAD than he could tell me how to fly an airplane--his obsession.  He spends several hours every day either reading magazines or looking at the computer watching videos about airplanes. :angry4:  :angry4: And still won't even look at the videos we have or read the multiple books we have or even take note of the emails I send him at work.

Why do I have an unending headache?  And extra weight? And a heart stent? And high blood pressure? And high cholesterol?

Nevermind, redundant questions.

Sorry it isn't going smoother for you luvmyboy.

I had a similar situation.  I finally gave up expecting dh to read or watch anything.  Once things got better with the kids he began to emerge from his hibernation, but it was too little - too late to suit me.

He is now trying to forge relationships with the kids and I am glad for that.  They need it.

Maybe even with Dad's it's fear based avoidance.  I don't understand it, but you are not alone.

((((((((Dottie)))))))))

Prayers from here.
 :coffee2:
anne

I know my DH was too busy licking his wounds and being self centered.   I had the circle argument that he'd show her some compassion when she stopped attacking him.  It took me doing the years of work and stress. (I Under stand the redundant questions here - It also cost me an extra 50 lbs of weight gain.)  I'm the one who home schooled her last year; he thought it was a great idea, but he couldn't handle it when she refused to learn from him.  I'm the one who took her to therapy 2 times a week; he was supportive, but HE needed the peace and quiet while we were gone.  Now that she is showing signs of healing and things are better, NOW he's working on his relationship with her. Sigh........

Don't get me wrong, I know he didn't have the ability to handle what I did. I chalked it up to his mother never giving him the appropriate coping skills.  She taught him to stick his head in the sand.  She dumped adulthood on him when he was young while she worked, but never taught him how to handle it.  Then, afterwards, she spent most of his young adulthood trying to make up for it and doing everything for him.  He had to move 1200 miles away to cut the apron strings.  When I came along, I was teaching him how to pull his head out   >:D  But, without the coping skills, it was a very hard lesson.  As of date, he's gone through 10 years of hard battle over DD, and now that they are both healing, he is developing the right skills.     

Great that you have a good outlook.  Future is always something to look forward to.

Hubby is 72, I'm 64.  If we survive Sonny's childhood, I plan to have a life.  I have been parenting since 1968!

Are you my mom?  I was born in 1968...and then given for adoption...  :D  JUST KIDDING.  I'd have been lucky HAD you been my mother though!   :happy8:

My oldest was born in 1968, August 19. 
1969
1978
foster care from 1992-2002
adopted ds10 as 1 yr, 11 mo. from foster care.
THEN my life changed! ! !

Nope.  I'm six weeks older than your oldest.

Sigh.

 :happy8: