Lost my dad

[blessingsindisguise]

Friend,

How are you holding up today?

Know that I am thinking of you, and that you remain in my prayers.

blessings

[Malina]

I am very sorry, Jeannie. Words are inadequate at a time like this, but know that many people are thinking of you and lifting you up in prayer.

[karleen]

((((((((((Jeanie))))))))))

I pray you find peace and strength.

[Jeannie]

Dear friends,
     Many thanks for your prayers and kind words.  I'm back home, we had two beautiful services last week (graveside on Friday and memorial service on Sunday), and my hubby and 4 kids were all able to come.
     It doesn't seem quite real yet, but I'm grateful to have made it through the week and had lots of time with my mother. DS11 is doing okay. We may melt down in the next weeks or months, but for today we're okay.
     DH lost his mother just a few weeks ago.  I think we're set on "numb", emotionally.
     Again, thank you all!!

[blessingsindisguise]

Hugs to you my friend.

blessings

[hallma1]

I'm new to the boards (joined yesterday).  Your request seemed to jump off the page.  I lost my dad in 2007.  He was diagnosed with GBM and six months later he was dead.  As an only child I was his primary care giver (mom was not able).  My family is praying for you.  We understand where you are.  Trust in Him...He will give you rest and relief.

[AlsoDad]

I just saw your introduction Hallma.

I'm sure that there are a few of us here who have been called as an end-of-life caregiver, and I know several more in person. By the time my Mom passed from cancer (about 3 years ago, after 3 years of treatment & 6 months of terminal home care), I'm sure that I was a walking zombie. I knew that I was in some kind of "shock" and so did everyone else near me. After her passing, an enormous weight was lifted off of me (it never felt like a "burden", but the weight was there). What remained of me felt like an empty plastic bag- crumpled, wadded & stomped flat.

Again, I knew that I was suffering from PTSD and so did everyone else. The thing was, with Mom's passing, I found myself on the top wrung of our family ladder- with everyone else looking up at me, hoping that I didn't cave so they wouldn't have to take over being "The Rock". I know that I was in this state for at least 3 months.

During that time, I was pretty much on auto-pilot, doing what I knew needed to be done but living in a fog. For the first time in my life, I had an internal attitude of "Y'know what? People are just going to have to accept what I'm capable of giving/doing", instead of bending over backwards and wringing myself out to live up to their expectations. Pretty sure I didn't let anyone down, though I may have been a little out of touch with them emotionally.

I've lost several family members unexpectedly, and the grief process was as it is described in the manual. It was different with Mom though. I knew that she was terminal over 3 years before she died, and I mixed grieving with caring for her during those last 6 months. Moreso, I spent the 3 years of treatment time celebrating her life, doing unexpected little things to brighten her outlook, and sharing her happiness and fear.

It was truly a blessing when the Lord finally called her Home. When she passed away, my emotions *flatlined*. They had been stretched so tight for so long, it felt like a rubber band that had lost it's elasticity. Just a worn out string- no stretching, no rebounding. I think that I have recovered from it, but I know not how or when. I'm also left wondering: "Do we ever truly "recover" from trauma, or do we just figure out how to live with it?".

[Truebluemom]

Jeannie - I just saw this post.  I somehow missed it while I was gone.  I'm so sorry for your loss of your dad and dh for his mother.  That is a lot to bear. 

I lost my dad some years ago.  My mom and I still shed some tears when we are together and think about him.  We are both ok, but it is a profound loss that time heals but doesn't erase.

I'll be praying for you and your family.   

[Jeannie]

Thanks for the expressions of care and sympathy.  It means a lot.  I have lots of good memories of times with my dad, and I'm so grateful for that!

On a related note, DS11 said, when going to sleep the other night, "I feel closer to you since Grandpa died."  Not sure what that's about, but I took it as something good.