Subconscious Triggers

[artsymominnc]

In the past couple of years, Halloween has been a particularly difficult time for my son....make that extremely difficult.  I am currently seeing all sorts of regressions in the way he can't handle the simplest of his school work, and he's a nervous wreck even when his external world is about as close to calm and orderly as it can be. 

When it comes to play time and trying to help him "relax" he's stuck on the same two or three activities over and over again.  That wouldn't concern me so much if I thought those things helped him become more regulated, and I could use that to his advantage, but even the play time is not helping him to relax.  I don't know when the last time was that he had a really happy and calm day.

He's afraid of many of the Halloween decorations that people put up in their yards.  I'm sure you all know someone in your neighborhood who goes a little overboard.  There are a couple of houses like that in our small town, and wouldn't you know that they would happen to be on some of the main roads we have to travel on to get anywhere.  Sigh...  Any effort I have made to try to problem-solve with my son about how if he knows that these decorations are going to make him scared, he needs to avoid looking at them when we drive by, but just by his very nature, he will look because he can't control himself.  He knows where all the houses are that have creepy decorations and he has studied them in great detail. So, if he knows that we have to go somewhere, he's already freaked out before we even get into the car because he knows we'll have to drive by something.

This all seems a little weird to me, and I've been trying to piece together anything about previous years that might be triggering a very deeply-rooted fear.  I was actually at a dentist appointment talking to my hygienist about the boys when it occurred to me that my son was born in early May and it took about 6 months for the paperwork o be processed to move him from the hospital to the orphanage.  I haven't looked up the actual date of his admittance to the orphanage, but in a way, maybe there's a subconscious connection.  Maybe this time of year triggers a lot of fear because it traces back to his a radical change in his care during his earliest development.  It's a possible explanation....though it doesn't explain why he's so stressed all the other times. 

So...what I do with this hypothesis?  I've been doing the best I can to avoid the things that seem to draw out the fear.  We're staying home today because there's always a possibility on Halloween that we could encounter people in scary costumes, and either my husband or I will take our older son out trick-or-treating so that my younger son can stay home (hoping that allows him to feel "safe."  He doesn't even deal well with day-light trick-or-treating.)  My plan is to ease up on the school,work today too....let him play with those beloved Tinker Toys and hopefully if he can find a calm state, then I can relax a little bit today too. 

That might get us through the day....but if this is in fact more of a "seasonal trigger" than an exaggerated fear of Halloween, then I will continue to have an even bigger problem to contend with.  It was about this time last year that things took a bad turn, and one of my fears is that he's heading in that direction again.

We saw his psychiatrist yesterday and she agreed that his fear in general is often more irrational than rational.  He's already on Risperdall which is an anti-psychotic med that has helped minimize the raging we used to see.  My son has also been taking Concerta for the past four (+) years.  It used to make a huge difference, but we're wondering if the Concerta, because it is a stimulant, is decreasing the effect of any of the anti-anxiety meds we've tried.  So, today we begin weaning him off the Concerta, and when we go back in four weeks, it's possible we'll try something else.

Unfortunately, this is always such a busy time of year that it's hard to pin-point when the fears are due to subconscious triggers and when they're truthfully based on real-life events.  You know...the questions like "is he really afraid of so many things...or does he just always carry this BIG fear with him?  It feels like when he's afraid, if I try to ask him what he's afraid of, he will almost always have a ready excuse (that's probably not the best word for it...but my impression is that he will try to pin the cause of the fear on something.) 

The catch is that once that event has passed or that particular thing is no longer part of the picture, the fear has not gone away, so he has to literally scramble to find another thing to attribute it to.  This week, he's expressing all sorts of concerns about Halloween, but once Halloween passes, I don't suspect that he'll be miraculously in a better state of mind.

So, in trying to evaluate the effectiveness of meds, when we make changes in doses or try something new, I feel rather confused because when we've had a good day...I really don't know why!  I'm just thankful for any good day that comes our way!   

Just my ramblings first thing in the morning, but I hope that this has made some sense.  I'd be willing to bet that others of you also deal with the effects of your children's subconscious triggers, and it's not easy, is it?  I feel so helpless most of the time, and I really struggle with holding together my own regulated state because his fears interfere with so much of my daily life.  It's hard not to get caught up in feeling resentful that I can't do something because so much of my time is invested in just trying to help him get through a day in one piece. 

My saving grace this weekend is that my husband is participating in a Cub Scout training event out of town on Saturday, and because there are some activities for kids who attend, he's going to take our younger son.  That'll give me a break for most of the day and a chance for some relaxed one-on-one time with my eleven-year-old son.  I'm really looking forward to it.    

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!! 

Liz

     

[justine]

Wow, i think you have done an amazing job of following the clues and piecing together the idea that it is probably his fear in general that sends him looking for something to "fear."    And halloween is a perfect fit.
It reminds me of my deductions that my oldest dd "hated" her birth mom and with her out of the picture, looked for others to be angry with and "hate".   Of course, i threw myself in her path... ::)and wah-lah!   Another perfect fit...    Smart move to stay home today too...scary isnt fun when you live afraid most of the time.   Hang in there!   justine

[Don M]

Wow artsymominnc;
   Your description fits so well with the seasonal affect disorder (SAD) that we see between end Sept and Dec each year, that I could almost anticipate each new part as I was reading.

   The underlying anxiety, stray energy, anticipation and even some of the active attempts to self-regulate through acting out fit what we have seen.  The internal anticipation of something pending makes them more ready to start at a shadow, or erupt into a screaming fit.

   For our 4 siblings, most of the major and some of the minor events in their lives happened in this period.  They entered DSS custody in Oct when the youngest was born with positive test for cocaine, they first met us after Thanksgiving and came to live with us between Christmas and New Years.  Clowns and some of the characters from early 1990's horror stories are subconcious triggers that still make us wonder why young kids in were watching bloody psychological thrillers.

   Purely on a physical level, the days are getting shorter and it's dark way too early in the evening.  Next week it gets worse with sunset here at 4:00 p.m. after the clocks get set back an hour.  It's getting colder, the leaves are all brown and falling off the trees, etc.  More effect in the north than around NC, but still I remember being frustrated to find it dark on the way home from work.

==> It might not hurt to try a daylight bulb or "grow light" in a common sitting area and see if that helps with the issue of reduced sun and feelings of gloom.

   The time around Haloween, because of the focus on death and scarry things, can be a problem for some kids without the real life scarrys they witnessed.   Haloween being when they heard about their TPR and pending adoption doesn't associate for them with big friendly family gatherings with lots of cousins, aunts & uncles.  Christmas in foster care, waiting to be placed and not knowing what the future would be like also has to have been a traumatic time.

   Countering these memories is difficult when they may be pre-verbal or just not reaching concious level.  We've found that for us big family gatherings were not good in this season, even though dw and I grew up that way and have happy associations with them.  Doing something that can involve big expressive movements always seemed to help.  When our kids were much younger, the ballet and gymnastics activities seemed to change their mood.  Going as a small family group to someplace new and exploring outdoor trails, skiing, indoor pool, etc also seemed to leave us in better shape as a family.

[artsymominnc]

Thanks for your response, Don.  I'd be willing to consider Seasonal Affect Disorder if this sort of thing didn't also hit some high points at other times of the year.

For better or worse, I ended up taking both my boys to our local rec park for a late afternoon trick-or-treating event in which local businesses were distributing candy.  It was a huge gamble, and I had second thoughts (and third and fourth...) after we got there, but my gut feeling was that if I didn't try to turn this around into a positive memory, then we'd be dealing with this all over again next Halloween. 

(My other motive for doing that was because my older son was counting on being able to go trick-or-treating and we live in an area where it's hard to track down the houses that will be giving out candy.  Going to this even was a sure-fire way to bring home some goodies in a shorter amount of time...and to be part of a group.)

My younger son continued to have mixed feelings about the whole idea.  He was thrilled to be able to put on his costume and he was thrilled with the idea of bringing home candy.  Everything else was a step-by-step coaching process.  Luckily we were able to go for the very beginning of the event, so the "crowd" started out smaller than it was by the time we left.  In other words, there was some time to adjust to people in costumes and decorations. 

Because we still had day-light on our side, I was able to point out that what he saw was just ordinary people wearing costumes and wigs...maybe having some make-up on their faces.  I knew all along that he was anxious, but again, my gut feeling was that this was something we needed to do because his imagination can sink into some pretty deep negatives that make a lasting impression. 

I rationalized it to him that I wanted to give him an opportunity to have at least one recent Halloween memory that he could tell his own kids about someday.  He stuck with that, and kept repeating to me "Mom, I'm going to tell my kids that I went trick-or-treating at the rec park." 

We made it through the event.  The candy distributors were set up at booths lining the edges of the park area, and kids formed a big line to go from booth to booth.  If my son saw a booth that he didn't want to go to, I let him know that it was OK to pass that one by.  At one booth there were four ladies dressed up as ugly witches, and it creeped him out...so when we passed, I smiled at the ladies and said they had spooked him too well.  His response was something like "thanks for covering for me."

All things considered, I think I made the right choice.  It wasn't an easy choice by any means, and he was pretty hyped up when we got home, but by then my husband was also home and able to help through dinner.  After dinner, I offered the option of all of us going out for a short time to stop at some of the neighbors' houses.  It was agreed that we would all go together, and it turned out to be pretty fun just visiting a little bit with the neighbors.

After we got through Halloween, though, Thursday and Friday were not the greatest days... likely due to the after-effect of Halloween as well as the worried anticipation of this weekend. 

This is Saturday, and today he and my husband are going away from home for a Cub Scout event that involves some training for my husband and activities for any kids who go along.  It is not the sort of thing I would have chosen to send him to because it has all the factors of things that stress him out, but when my husband presented the option of going to both boys, it was my younger son who clearly stated that he wanted to go.  (My older son didn't hesitate at all in stating that he'd prefer to stay home, so it wasn't as if younger son was complying to try to be like his older brother.)  I think my younger son just always finds himself stuck in the middle of wanting to do something just as much as he wants to avoid it.

One more thing...I totally agree with the idea that my son would greatly benefit from more physical activity.  The problem we run into time and time again is that his coordination and muscle tone are so poor that he doesn't get much benefit from the activity.  It just adds to the stress because he lacks the confidence to do it....he lacks the motivation to try very hard...and he lacks the stamina and coordination to control his body movements so he just ends up flopping around. 

We tried gymnastics when he was in kindergarten, soccer when he was in second grade, and swimming this past spring.  In every case, he struggled to understand what he was supposed to be doing...and as a result, he was often off-task and unable to progress with skills. 

I like to exercise at home, and I've purchased some kid-friendly exercise dvds for the boys.  My older son likes to do them a couple times a week, but I cannot seem to find a way to motivate my younger son to participate.  I've tried to emphasize that it's OK if he can't follow the steps...the point is to get moving!  So, I've even tried just putting the dvd on and leaving him alone in the living room to "work out" privately so that I'm not tempted to correct his actions.  That helped somewhat, but I keep coming back to the issue that he doesn't enjoy it. 

He doesn't ride a bike, he's really awkward with the whole throwing, kicking, batting, catching.  It's quite a chore to try to to "coach" him because it's as if his brain doesn't process how his body is supposed to move.

I confess that even watching him use utensils at the dinner table is a little annoying for me some days because it looks so uncomfortable.  I'd really like to get some help with that for him, but we're not in a financial position where we can afford all the services he needs and he didn't qualify for those services when he was in public school. 

So...today's the day.  In a little while I need to wake him up and get him ready to go.  At the very least, even though I know that he is probably going to be stressed to the max today, today is my day of respite.  I need to make the best use of this time while I have it!

Liz   

[karleen]

Wow, Liz!  I am constantly amazed at the lengths you go to to work with your son, and make things good and right for him.  Great job!

On the gross motor stuff, I have a couple of suggestions, mainly for the muscle tone part.  Have you ever tried using one of the BIG exercise balls for him to sit on?  At one point with our boys, this was considered as a way for them to improve muscle tone and gain body awareness.  We only did it once or twice in therapy (speech therapy of all things) because the therapist was thinking that overall muscle tone was poor.  We ended up not continuing with it, I'm not sure why now.  So I can't suggest it from personal experience.  But just thinking about it, it makes logical sense.  When a kid is sitting in a chair, especially one with a back, the body muscles can relax.  On one of these balls, the kid has to keep him/herself upright, so the muscles are passively exercised.

dsa also sat on a wedge for about 1.5 years at school.  The school OT had him do this.  This was a blue rubber wedge filled with air.  I believe it had knobby bumps on it.  The goal of it was basically the same as the exercise ball.  But of course it was much smaller and so could be used in a classroom.  I think the exercise ball would have made him work more.

One other thing that the private OT suggested to us, which we didn't do, was to have him stand on a blow up swimming ring when doing a fine motor task.  Same idea as the previous.

What we did do, and it seems to have worked well, is 2 years of gymnastics as preschoolers, along with private PT.  The gymnastics was really tumbling, not learning gymnastics skills.  Maybe you could find something that didn't stress learning actual skills, but rather stressed movement.  We also got the boys an electronic dart board (the kind with the plastic tip darts) for Christmas.  I really think that, along with just growing up, is what improved dsa's throwing.  He had a target.  Basketball helped also, but it is a different kind of throwing and aiming.

We spent years working with OT's, both private and school.  If you are interested, I can check to see if I can still get to the old message board.  I had posted a long list of stuff we did with the twins for fine motor skills.  Let me know if you want me to look.

[justine]

artsy...cant believe i am just thinking of this now but have you ever read anything by Temple Gardin?   She is an amazingly articulate, brilliant autist who is now a professor in Colorado.   To deal with her overstimulation issues, she built herself a "squeeze machine" as a very young teenager.   Others have used variations of learning to wrap themselves up real tight in a heavy blanket with head outside (!) to calm themselves.    Your  ds might like to have some ways to begin to learn to calm himself that he can initiate.  On the other hand, some anxious kids feel "trapped" if wrapped up tightly.....    might be worth exploring if you havent already.   justine

[luvmyboy]

To keep my boy quiet and focused, his speech pathologist uses a "hugger." 
One of the mothers made it.  It is a piece of the foamy fabric stuff of which scuba suits are made, cut into a rectangle.  It has velcro on the end, so it is adjustable for the size of the patient.  She wraps it around his upper body, snug, but not tight.  Two "straps" of the same material about three inches wide are put over the shoulders and held in place by velcro, as well.  She uses it more often than not, and ds seems to enjoy being constrained as he works with her.

[artsymominnc]

Those are great suggestions.  There has been no shortage of suggestions from all the consultations and evaluations that we've had done in say the past four or five years.  Where we seem to fall short every time is that my son just plain resists relaxing.  My gut feeling is that this is one of the strongest traits of RAD that we see in our son.  His lack of trust creates a tendency to resist letting his guard down...which prevents him from relaxing. 

We have a therapy swing, a therapy ball, a weighted blanket, sand box, rice box, bean box, fidget toys, play-doh, mini trampoline, bean bag chair, large pillows, a small play tent hide-away, etc.  I made two weighted vests for him, but they turned out smaller than I expected and I've been debating whether it's worth the trouble to make a larger size.

When I first made the decision to homeschool, my idea was to set up therapeutic areas around the house and to integrate sensory therapy throughout his day.  It seemed like such a GREAT idea a year and a half ago!  What I had not counted on was his persistent resistance to make use of these good things. 

I hate the idea of forcing him to use the interventions because I feel my own stress build whenever I feel like I am constantly having to prompt and instruct.  My experience has been that he is going to resist me...so I've grown less and less inclined to push unless I think I have a fair chance of succeeding. 

I also struggle with my own stress when I am trying to wear too many hats...trying to be "mom" and "teacher" has already been a challenge.  So, I'm still working on managing my stress first.   



     

[chris28]

"I hate the idea of forcing him to use the interventions because I feel my own stress build whenever I feel like I am constantly having to prompt and instruct.  My experience has been that he is going to resist me...so I've grown less and less inclined to push unless I think I have a fair chance of succeeding.  "

I personally think that it is sometimes our job to push our kids. Their comfort zone is so limited by their life experience that they need to be pushed beyond it to grow and heal.  If I thought a particular therapy or intervention was going to be helpful to my child, his resisting it would not cause me to drop it. I would recognize his resistance, then assure him that Mom knows what's best for him and will keep him safe.  It may take working on myself to follow thru without letting the stress get to me, and I may not succeed, but I would keep trying until I was sure that I'd given it a fair shot. JMHO

Chris

[Don M]

Hi artsymominnc;
   I want to follow up on one topic, and I think you are the best judge of what is worth a try anyway.  Your compromise for Halloween was a great mix of enough doing to leave memories and careful setting to avoid most triggered history reactions.

...I totally agree with the idea that my son would greatly benefit from more physical activity.  The problem we run into time and time again is that his coordination and muscle tone are so poor that he doesn't get much benefit from the activity.
...We tried gymnastics ... soccer ... swimming ...
... It's quite a chore to try to to "coach" him because it's as if his brain doesn't process how his body is supposed to move.

   I think I see what you mean, my kids were gifted with great balance and coordiation, but lacked judgement and ability to take direction.  They could see a trapize or tight rope act and do some of the moves within a couple minutes.  That set them up with very little fear of hurting themselves, so we had to modify "Get down before you hurt yourself!" to "Get down, you are scaring the grown-ups!"

   For a kid who feels completely unable to do the things he sees others his age doing, even cub scouts is a difficult proposition.  They will make fires, climb hills, and at some times will even try to do some cooking, and your ds may feel it's set up to show him as a failure.

   I have an 8mo old grandson now, and have been watching him discover things naturally.  You'll have to provide lots of supervision, but if your ds can help out with little kids (sit w/legs wide and roll a ball back and forth) he may see both that he can do things that they cannot do yet, and also may even begin to see how many times it is normal to fail before getting a new trick.  It was more than a month getting from want to crawl to finally moving around a room, and he would scream in frustration every time he couldn't get where he wanted to be.  That gave us hard-hearted grandparents a great opportunity to let him work through the frustration to success.  Now he's sure he wants to walk, and is practicing with some frustrated screaming.  He'll fall down a few hundred more times before he doesn't fall down crossing a room, but he'd rather try & fall than just crawl.

   Like you said "if money was no object" then there are ways to buy professional help, in this case from occupational therapists who might be able to teach your ds some self-confidence and tolerance for the thousands of times he would need to drop the ball before getting good at catching it.  If you can ever convince him it's OK to fail a few million times before a success, he may surprise you.

[artsymominnc]

Thank you for your responses, Chris and Don.

Under the circumstances...the fact that my son is already living in an overloaded state of stress almost all the time..."pushing" him to do something that he doesn't want to do just adds to the stress and frustrates both of us....which is not what either of us need. 

I do what we have to do to get through each day, one moment at a time.  I try to remember and respect that I am already pushing him beyond his limits just to get a small amount of school work done or to run a simple errand. 

I felt so bad for him yesterday because we not only had a couple of shopping errands to run, but we also had to take one of our cats to the vet.  One little errand might have been manageable....all of that together was way too much for him.  He'd had such a good day on Tuesday...and then I had to push harder than usual to get through everything yesterday...and we were both miserable and the day ended with me feeling rather exhausted and him feeling very irritable.   

I'm hoping to create as smooth a path as possible for the next two days.  We have a family outing planned for Saturday.  People from the Carolina Raptor Center are coming to the Pisgah Center (which is a fair distance from us, but a nice drive this time of year!) My older son has been studying birds this year in science, and he loves raptors.  We actually visited the Carolina Raptor Center a little over a year ago, and it was really neat.  When I heard of this opportunity, I signed us all up thinking it would make for a nice day trip. 

Anyway, that may be too much for my younger son, so my extreme back-up plan is that I could take our older son and my husband could stay home with our younger son.  My preference would be that we all go together, but I'll have to base my decision on my son's responses to the stress.  Can I calm him down enough during the next two days to get him to a point where he can even consider that there might be something about the trip that he would enjoy?  I've already reassured him that if he can handle just going to the center (we were just there a few weeks ago for a different program), then he and his dad can take a nature walk or look at exhibits if he doesn't think he can handle seeing the birds. 

It's all about making compromises and adjustments in the schedule....and more compromises....and more adjustments.

All things considered, my priority continues to be to reduce his stress in whatever way I can.  This is so crucial!!!  With the holidays coming up...especially since we will be traveling for Thanksgiving, I have to always be thinking ahead to anticipate where we might encounter problems and what options I have for detours.

It's all too easy to get caught up in thinking that he supposed to behave like a normal kid and do the things that other kids his age do.  There are no quick fixes to his difficulties, and in some cases, I suspect a few of these challenges will be with him for the rest of his life.  I can't measure his progress successes against any one else. 

While I agree that it's unfortunate that he is so restricted by his limited comfort zone, I believe that he will grow and heal better at his own pace.  His resistance to certain things is his way of communicating that there's something about it that makes him fearful.  I see much better results when I respond to the fear and try to see things from his perspective.  Sometimes it takes me a while to figure out what all the pieces mean, but then I have these "A-ha!" moments when something "clicks" and I seem to understand it a little better. 

That, my friends, is the Holy Spirit in action!  He reveals to me my child's beauty and enables me to pick myself up again when I've fallen.  It's getting to be about that time this morning when my son will be waking up, and my goal today is to keep him close, smile more, and speak gently.  We both had a rough day yesterday, and I suspect he's going to wake up feeling anxious...expecting that things are going to be bad again today.  He needs me to set the tone...and in order to do that, I need to be calm.  So...with a deep breath...and another...here we go!

Liz       

 

[karleen]

Liz, you are working so hard to make things right for your son.  I don't mind telling you that I think you are a true example for all of us.  Take care and ((((()))))).

[anne]

Our darlins are full of subconscious triggers.  Multiple moves, foster homes, seasonal bad memories, time changes, fear of the dark, fear of clowns, etc. all contribute to our darlins' difficulty to cope.  Add school demands on top of all this and it's a recipe for a rough fall and winter.  A new mix of anti-anxiety meds have helped Ds9 as well as having some training in anger management (he listens to outsiders better than us! - typical) has Ds9 in school for 1/2 days 3 to 5 days a week.  Halloween is definately a challenging time in our home too.  This year they watched Scooby Doo, ate candy, and dressed up for home.  They had a blast and were much more relaxed. 

It's just hard as you never know what might set them off.  We're hoping that over time and with lots of support their reactions will be less severe.    Usually when they are going out of their trees, I look back at the records to see if it's yet again another transition time from their past and usually it is.  SAD is also a strong link - makes me wonder if our darlins' heritage (Inuit) may have something to do with it.  I know that Finns (my heritage) have to really watch for this and ususally combat it with lots of outdoor sports, colourful and bright homes, and also sadly, alcohol.  Our Ds9 is limited in his physical activity, but even walking the dog with me a few kilometres makes such a difference.  Artsymom, I see your kids in ours!

Keep taking deep breaths and put the emotional onus on them to achieve.  Detach with an I-pod (our AT's suggestion for us), a new hobby, etc.  Amazingly in all of this, I've learned to make my own Christmas cards and am painting a few each night when the darlins are a-bed.  You're a great Mom.  I'm learning the hard way that when my 'teacher' hat is on, 'mom' hat must be locked in the other room or we're heading for a bad day.  Take care.
anne