Trauma Headquarters and ADSG

My dad died this afternoon.  He was 80 years old, and had Parkinson's disease for the last 8 or so years.  I loved him deeply.  My mother and five siblings and I were all able to be with him today.  We stood around his bed, wept and said our goodbyes, prayed, and even sang.  His breathing was labored for a time, then became more and more shallow and finally stopped.  He seemed at peace.  It was a good ending.... but a hard day.

My DS11 back home is going to be struggling with this.  So are my bios and DH.  The funeral is tentatively scheduled for this Friday.  Please pray for grace for us all this week.

I'm so very sorry for your loss, Jeannie.  I wish there was something more I could say or do to comfort you.  Having lost one dear parent three years ago, I have some idea what you're going through.... 

I hope your memories of your father and your experiences together will comfort and sustain you during this difficult time.  Know that we will indeed be lifting up your family and you as you have requested.

Warmly wishing you comfort and peace, Hugs.

I am so sorry for your loss.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

blessings

So sorry for your loss.   Hope you and yours find peace during this time to deal with the stress a week like this brings leading up to a funeral. 

So sorry for your loss Jeannie and so blessed to read you were all together and with him when he died.   That is amazing and truly a gift to be treasured.   Prayers here.   Loving dads are a treasure not easily lost. 

So very sorry Jeannie.  No matter how old we are it's so hard to lose our Dads.
Prayers & hugs from here.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Jeannie, and I'm sorry that this time can't be "simple" for you, allowing you to focus "simply" on your own grief and the necessary arrangements. But nothing's ever simple with an attachment-challenged child, is it?

Do your best to fit in some "PM" (preventive maintenance) time with your son - assume his emotional age is going to be quite young this week. Give him some snuggle time, even if he thinks he's too big for it and you tell him that it's for YOUR benefit. Keep telling him he's safe, you're healthy, and you're not going anywhere. If he wants a nightlight or wants to sleep in a sleeping bag on your floor, this might be the time to permit it. Go with your gut - but stop, breathe, feel, think before you jump to conclusions about what your gut is telling you! ;-)

And know that you will make "mistakes" in all this - it's a stressful time and it's too hard to even know what's the right thing to do in every circumstance, much less do it! Give yourself some grace. Know that a big part of relationship building is rupture and repair - so if you make a "mistake," count it all good - it's a great opportunity to work on the "repair" step! And, in the end, "good enough" parenting is, indeed, good enough.

I lost my father after an extended illness too.   I knew it was coming also.

I ask you to realize this...that right now, while all the arrangements are happening and friends/loved ones are all around, you will somehow plow ahead.  Sure you'll grieve, but much won't be realized yet, as you've been preparing for this day for a long time.

Be careful of the days ahead--  weeks, months.  That's when MY grief hit.  After the flurry surrounding the funeral was gone, and the regularity of visiting him was no longer there.  That's when it struck.

Don't be blindsided.  Be ready for it.  Ask for guidance from He who leads us all!

My heart pours out for you, and your family in this your time of grief.

I'm thinking of you.

((((Jeannie))))

Thinking and praying for you, Jeannie, and your family, in the passing of your father.  May the Lord comfort you during this time of grief.

So sorry for your loss Jeannie  :angel10:

When my dad passed, there were sooo many people who knew and respected him and his family that I thought I would never hear the end of "If there's anything I/we can do....". It's such a helpless feeling for both parties, as they both know there really isn't anything that can be done. When the statement was made by someone very close to me, the appropriate response just fell out of my mouth, dunno where it came from:

"That's good to know".

Wow, the feeling of helplessness melted away from both of us and I could actually feel the person's concern. Those people had been "doing whatever they could" and it took that statement for me to realize it.

Jeannie, I'm sorry you are having to go through this. May you and your family find peace and healing.

hugs n prayers

So very sorry for you family's loss, dear one.

You are so lucky to have been with him to the end.  What a blessing.

Prayers and hugs to get you thru the coming days and months............ :angel10:

(((Jeannie))) I'm so sorry. You & your family are in my thoughts & prayers.

So sorry, Jeannie.  I just read this now, don't know how I missed it.  It was a blessing to be there with your Mom and siblings, but I know you miss him so very much.  Dads are just so very important.

Prayers from here for your family that God will bless all of you, when you are ready, with treasured memories and sweet remembrances.
 :love7: :coffee2: :coffee2: :love7:
anne

Friend,

How are you holding up today?

Know that I am thinking of you, and that you remain in my prayers.

blessings

I am very sorry, Jeannie. Words are inadequate at a time like this, but know that many people are thinking of you and lifting you up in prayer.

((((((((((Jeanie))))))))))

I pray you find peace and strength.

Dear friends,
     Many thanks for your prayers and kind words.  I'm back home, we had two beautiful services last week (graveside on Friday and memorial service on Sunday), and my hubby and 4 kids were all able to come.
     It doesn't seem quite real yet, but I'm grateful to have made it through the week and had lots of time with my mother. DS11 is doing okay. We may melt down in the next weeks or months, but for today we're okay.
     DH lost his mother just a few weeks ago.  I think we're set on "numb", emotionally.
     Again, thank you all!!

Hugs to you my friend.

blessings

I'm new to the boards (joined yesterday).  Your request seemed to jump off the page.  I lost my dad in 2007.  He was diagnosed with GBM and six months later he was dead.  As an only child I was his primary care giver (mom was not able).  My family is praying for you.  We understand where you are.  Trust in Him...He will give you rest and relief.

I just saw your introduction Hallma.

I'm sure that there are a few of us here who have been called as an end-of-life caregiver, and I know several more in person. By the time my Mom passed from cancer (about 3 years ago, after 3 years of treatment & 6 months of terminal home care), I'm sure that I was a walking zombie. I knew that I was in some kind of "shock" and so did everyone else near me. After her passing, an enormous weight was lifted off of me (it never felt like a "burden", but the weight was there). What remained of me felt like an empty plastic bag- crumpled, wadded & stomped flat.

Again, I knew that I was suffering from PTSD and so did everyone else. The thing was, with Mom's passing, I found myself on the top wrung of our family ladder- with everyone else looking up at me, hoping that I didn't cave so they wouldn't have to take over being "The Rock". I know that I was in this state for at least 3 months.

During that time, I was pretty much on auto-pilot, doing what I knew needed to be done but living in a fog. For the first time in my life, I had an internal attitude of "Y'know what? People are just going to have to accept what I'm capable of giving/doing", instead of bending over backwards and wringing myself out to live up to their expectations. Pretty sure I didn't let anyone down, though I may have been a little out of touch with them emotionally.

I've lost several family members unexpectedly, and the grief process was as it is described in the manual. It was different with Mom though. I knew that she was terminal over 3 years before she died, and I mixed grieving with caring for her during those last 6 months. Moreso, I spent the 3 years of treatment time celebrating her life, doing unexpected little things to brighten her outlook, and sharing her happiness and fear.

It was truly a blessing when the Lord finally called her Home. When she passed away, my emotions *flatlined*. They had been stretched so tight for so long, it felt like a rubber band that had lost it's elasticity. Just a worn out string- no stretching, no rebounding. I think that I have recovered from it, but I know not how or when. I'm also left wondering: "Do we ever truly "recover" from trauma, or do we just figure out how to live with it?".

Jeannie - I just saw this post.  I somehow missed it while I was gone.  I'm so sorry for your loss of your dad and dh for his mother.  That is a lot to bear. 

I lost my dad some years ago.  My mom and I still shed some tears when we are together and think about him.  We are both ok, but it is a profound loss that time heals but doesn't erase.

I'll be praying for you and your family.   :love9:

Thanks for the expressions of care and sympathy.  It means a lot.  I have lots of good memories of times with my dad, and I'm so grateful for that!

On a related note, DS11 said, when going to sleep the other night, "I feel closer to you since Grandpa died."  Not sure what that's about, but I took it as something good.