Trauma Headquarters and ADSG

Hi guys,

I need to request prayers from you all.  Tonight at dinner (while I'm on vacation) DH received a phonecall from his mom.  She'd been admitted to the hospital down south (at least 8 hours from where we are) because of a heart attack.  We are staying at my BIL's cabin.

The stress of all this is hurting the health of my BIL too.

Now, tomorrow we pack up our vacation and head back south to the hospital.  Bil and Sil will be following shortly after us, they have to stop by their house on the way back south first.  My Swp's are going to be so disappointed...but are also trying very hard to be troopers.

Please pray for our family in this time of stress and troubles.

definitely will pray my friend!

blessings

So very sorry to hear this.  Will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers!

Hugs!

Praying for strength & peace for your entire family.

So sorry Neitling!  Praying for you all this am.   :coffee2:

Praying for you all!

Too sad!  Praying here!

Strength and peace to you all.

Stable so far.  Today a catheter, but something isn't ringing right.

Relative issues.  The rest of the drama is about to unfold.  Our BIL/Sil were at the hospital tonight, and have to
"talk to us" when they get back.  We are at MIL's house straightening up from when she was taken by ambulance.

We will go to the hospital tomorrow morning.

Please keep prayers coming.  We will need them!!!

Definitely praying for you friend!

blessings

Just saw this.  Prayers coming from here.  Hope your talk goes well tomorrow.

How are things going and how is everyone holding up?

I'm sorry to hear this.  We will keep you in our prayers.

It's awful.  Half the family is circling like vultures (the half that includes DN's Bio's). They are at MIL's bedside, pushing away the other half...the half that has been there for MIL through thick and thin.  First half hasn't been anywhere near for 8 years.  Gah.  They however have "proximity" as it took them 10 min across town, and about 45 min to hospital.  WE had to drive 9 hours there...with an entire family AFTER packing up vacation early AND having kids in tow.  Gah.

Drama. 

Who needs it.

MIL will be getting a triple bi-pass Monday or Tuesday...but we have to keep calling the hosp to "know" when, as the "half" that is "there" won't call us...or my other BIL and SIL.  It's stupid.

I just wish it was all wishing and praying her well...instead I think it's counting her pennies and SHE doesn't realize it yet.

Sigh.

Something about trying to stop a trainwreck....

Oh friend!

What a mess.  Thinking of you.

blessings

Sorry it's so difficult Neitling.  Hoping it gets better.

Just saw this and am praying.
NW

Still thinking of you... Hoping things improve soon - in whatever ways you would like.

So sorry youre having to go through all this!

Prayers from here.  Any news on how things are going?
 :coffee2:
anne

Just found out this afternoon that MIL's surgery (double-possibly triple bypass with a stent) will be tomorrow at 11am.  Please foward prayers for her to make it through then have a uneventful recovery!  She's 84 but in otherwise good health.

As for the family...UGH.

Bunch of pooh.

Why can't people get along?  Why do they insist on being "in charge" when they aren't?  I swear my DH's family is ALL RAD at times like these. 

SO...we are in contact by phone only until things return to normal...or close to it.   We have access to the dr's and nurses...so we should be informed in good speed.

Praying for all my friend!

blessings

(((((((((((Neitling)))))))))))))

Hate the drama!

Well, she's out of surgery...and resting...still under anesthesia though.

Her surgery went from 11am to 5pm.  No one in DH's family called us when she got out of surgery.  Thank you that the nurses in the hospital were kind enough to tell us when we called.   

Now she's gone through the surgery the hard part is coming up.  She's going to need a lot of care for the next few months to a year.  She's used to doing it all on her own...and she's going to have to pony up and ask for a lot of help.  A lot of help. 

Now if only the family would pull together rather than pull apart....

Please keep up the prayers.  We are all under tremendous stress.

(http://i433.photobucket.com/albums/qq57/Killerbabe-NL/smiley_sad.gif) :coffee:

Oh neitlingme, saying so many prayers for you and your family!

blessings

Continuing to pray.  (((((((((Neitling)))))))))   :coffee2:  Wish we could sit down and share a cup or two.

(((Neitlingme)))    Would she be able to go to a rehab hosp or the "swing bed" of a nursing home for 2-3 weeks.?  Usually medicare will pay for a 21 day stay if pt needs it and sometimes it is extended after a few weeks.  Especially if she lives alone or is unable to get to bathroom/shower etc once she gets home.    

Has to be arranged BEFORE she leaves hospital though and usually its a matter of just calling the unit she's on and asking for the casemanager (all pts usually have one, they are the SW's who do the discharge planning/paperwork even if patient is going straight home.)   They also order any equipment (bed side commode, walker).    You or DH can just request they look into a short rehab stay and the casemanager can take it from there, talk to doctor, MIL, family present etc.  They do this everyday so they'll know what to do and take the stress off of you.  Of course, MIL has to be willing...but sometimes it just takes a few days for pt to see how high their needs are...

If that info only added to your stress level, sorry!    Maybe pass it on to DH.  Please take care.

Justine,

Knowledge never adds to stress in my case.  It helps me fight it!

Thanks you.  I have experience with this myself (when I was POA for my dad) but had forgotten in the emotional stress of it all about the sw on each case!  You are absolutely right.  I will pass this info on to DH.

I'd feel much better knowing she had a rehab or swing bed set up.  Everyone in the family is doing the "I can't care for her longterm, song and dance."  Makes me cringe and worry someday that "attitude" could be about me.  I didn't hesitate when my dad needed me...but maybe I'm odd.  I gave up a house and put a lot of stress on a new marriage in asking DH to move here and allow me to care for my dad full time.  DH didn't hesitate and moved, he, himself, providing a lot of the care my dad needed.  But that was before kids...

Now I have to think of the kids first.  I would be willing to have her move in with us, but I don't think that's what she wants.  I think she wants to keep her home (yes, she lives alone).  But, I'm not sure that will be possible with what her needs will be.  I know she won't be able to keep it up as she has in the past...

I just hope they figure something out soon...so everyone can focus on the important part, my MIL getting well!!!

Thanks for the prayers.  We definitely still need them! 

Well, having had the pleasure of meeting your DH and you in person and knowing where you come from, I can surely see you two stepping right up to the plate, but I hope, for your sakes, you can get that swing/rehab bed.  I'm a hospital atty - call Case Management now and get them working with her docs on this now if you can.  Key is MIL needs "a safe discharge plan," "assistance with medications & all activities of daily living" and "family unable to meet needs at home."

Thinking of you....

Thanks Clb,

After meeting you in person...I was going to PM you after DH and I collected our thoughts and such.  Probably still will...

DH's former SIL is handling a lot for us, she's a nurse and familiar with some of the drill too.  She's trying to help with a rehab...  I just wish it would settle.

I will ask DH to call the hospital tomorrow after he wakes up.  (He's on the road currently) Hopefully he'll be able to get a discharge plan in place.  Our house really is a last resort.  I know MIL wouldn't be comfortable here.  In the 15 years DH and I have been married my MIL has never been to our home.  She's just the uncomfortable sort...I've learned to accept it...she doesn't mean ill by it, she's just an odd bird.  I still love her.

Thanks for the wonderful advice.  It's really helping me feel more grounded.

neitlingme,

Praying for you!

clbmom,

House counsel at a hospital?  Being a nurse I always attend how to chart and stay out of trouble classes put on by attorneys!  Also probably one of the few nurses I know that have read my state boards entire 'scope of practice' document.

Has saved my tuchus more than once!
 
Had a physician one time ask me to do something and I literally looked down at my name badge where it said RN, BSN and then I pointed to her badge where it said MD and asked her if she knew she could not delegate that particular task?  She had never been told no before, and I was polite about it, but gracious.  So not interested in practicing medicine without a license!

blessings

Neitling - Sorry this is dragging itself out so long.  Sounds like you are moving toward a workable solution.  Hope your family will listen!   :coffee2:

I have my own firm, so am technically outside counsel, but I have an office at the hospital and wear a hospital badge when I'm onsite (4-5 days/week) to keep JCAHO folks happy so am treated as if I'm in-house.  I was a corporate/securities/finance atty on Wall St (no Gordon Gecko, I promise!), then GC for an educational nonprofit that eventually led to my current arrangement.  I don't typically get involved in many patient care issues - other than areas in which I have some personal/family interest.  No med mal:  BTDT.  Mostly nonprofit/tax issues, contracts, physician comp, JV's... occasional EMTALA, guardianship, end-of-life, & billing issues... a wide mix.

@Neitling: Blessings and others with more direct patient care experience may be more helpful than me, but you're welcome to contact me - even if it's just to vent.  You already know firsthand how difficult being a long-term caretaker can be.  And sometimes family care is really hard on the patient too b/c they feel guilty for imposing, etc.

If there's any way to get MIL into that rehab center.... You already have a very full plate with your beautiful boys and DN!

Hang in there!!!

The plot thickens.

Now it looks as if DH will be forced to be MIL's POA.  All the other siblings (even those only a mile or two away) are refusing to do it.

Although there are definitely benefits to being the POA, it's going to be really difficult with DH's job being that of a trucker.  He's not HERE that often, much less could he be 2 hours away from here very often!  Trying to get the man something as small as a dentist appointment is oftentimes a circus fiasco.  I can't see how it would be possible for him to be oncall 24/7.  I could be back up....but he doesn't really want me to be.  I'm suggesting the brother that WAS POA until this week, stay on as backup (and help DH get adjusted)  I think he might agree to that.

Other than that MIL is getting weaned off IV nitro and taking it orally (as soon as she stops feeling nauseated.  She has been out of bed and in a chair.  She's off the vent.  She's pretty sore (to be expected) but not quite back to realizing what is going on...all the way.

Keep the prayers coming.  They really help!!!

(((hugs to group)))

 :read2:  Sounds like a typical adventure story.  Boy meets girl.  Oops, wrong story.   :laugh:  Damsel in distress, impossible situation, knight in shining armor rides up to save the day.  Go dh!

Are you talking about a healthcare POA, or a durable POA (it include other matters)?  In either case, given the crazy family dynamics you've described, maybe DH should run for the hills instead! 

I remember your DH describing his OTR schedule; IMHO, it doesn't make any sense to name a healthcare representative (or an attorney-in-fact if you're talking about a general POA) who spends such a high % of his time out-of-state at a time when MIL is most likely to need her representative to be available.  (Healthcare reps and attys-in-fact do not have to be family members; MIL may want to consider someone neutral/outside the family so as to limit further family drama.)

And who's forcing anyone to do anything?  If MIL can communicate and is competent enough to sign any POA then she should also be able to make other choices herself; if she cannot communicate or lacks capacity (i.e., "doesn't quite know what's going on ... all the way"), then she cannot grant anyone POA until she regains capacity anyway.  (Sounds like you may need the court to appoint a guardian if DH's bro/the atty-in-fact under the current POA is unwilling/unable to serve.)

I am a "helper" so I'd probably be the last to take my own advice, but remember "no" is an option.

DH & you hang in there together!!!

Im sorry you have to deal with that stuff in a time like this ((Hugs))

Thanks Clb...

I said forced not in the truest sense, but rather in the sense that all other family members are refusing and mom is begging either DH or my BIL that relinquished to do it.  It's the empathy bordering on guilt that is eating him I think.

The hospital has assured DH that he can handle the majority over the phone.  For more than that we are going up again this weekend.

It will put a strain on things, but she is his mom.  We talked to BIL and did hammer out that they would keep the durable POA if we did the medical.  So at least it's being split.  After more discussion with this BIL it's his health that is causing him to relinquish...he already has a bad ticker too.  It's too much of a toll on him especially because he lives 7 hours away.  Much of this we didn't know as DH and this BIL are just rekindling their own relationship.

We also discussed a guardian amongst ourselves.  That may be where we go after this "crisis" is over.  Thinking about it, that relieves so much of the burden, as it isn't a family member making decisions.  But right now we just have to get mom through all this and get her settled in rehab or somewhere else that is safe.

I'm trying to stay out of it, other than keeping DH's level of stress as low as possible.  Afterall, it's DH's family...and I'm just kind of along for the ride...He's going on his second week of quitting smoking too...so I'm trying to be as supportive as possible.  Seems the deck is stacked against him sometimes.

Beside all this?  DN is terrified when we go up there that we will run into DH's sister.  (she's DN's former placement where all the CSC charges came from).  Ugh.  When it rains...

Oh gosh, I didn't realize you were dealing with DN's former placement.  This must be sooo complicated and stressful.  I can only imagine how anxious DN must feel.  I know she gives you a hard time, but she seems like she has a lot of potential.   Hope the added anxiety doesn't lead her to act out too terribly....

Hope the weekend goes better than expected.   BTW, is it THIS weekend (today)?    Take care you two!

It is, Justine.

We are heading up there today after church.  And at church I'm going to pray so hard I shatter the stained glass!  :)

I'm really not looking forward to it.  It feels really strange staying at MIL's house when she's not there.  And I do understand how much it stresses DH and DN.  While eating at a local restaurant, we ran into the mother of the child [SIL's (DNs former placement) DIL--it's all so twisted] that accused DN of the CSC stuff.  This woman at first portrayed to DN as if she was a "sister".  Ugh.  Upon seeing her, DN trembled like a leaf and was noticably nervous.  DH and I took it as an opportuntity to solidify our place with her...reminding her she had NOTHING to fear from this woman as we were there.  Being there, we were her PARENTS and would protect her from ANYTHING this woman might try.  I'm pretty sure there were bloodstains on her back (from my glares) when she left. I don't know if it actually made DN feel better, but we put it out there so she'd know...and be able to reflect on our protection of her later.   That night DN couldn't sleep and curled up on the bed she was in crying that she was "afraid" just like a 5yo would do.  She was sobbing. 

The part that makes me feel guilt/bad is that I can't be warm an cuddly to her when this kind of upset happens.  I'm reserved.  I do sit with her and talk...make her realize nothing is happening now.  I "talk"her through calming herself down.  I don't do it for her.  (If it were one of my SWP's I'd scoop them up in a giant bear hug and hold them until the tears went away.)  I just "can't" do that with DN.  Warm and cuddly just isn't there.  But, I try to bring her up closer to where the emotions of a 16yo should be, rather than allow her to just "stay" at the 5yo place.  I empathize and then remind her that at her age some of the  consoling should come from inside herself.  Am I doing this right???

But, back to MIL's...I'm thinking my role will be in looking at the house (plants) yard and such and trying to make sure things are watered and cared for.  I don't think anyone has mowed the yard yet, so I'll do that too.  It should keep me busy while DH does the hard stuff. 

Good luck this weekend Neitling.  Way to go being there for dn.  I do get the cuddling.  I get shivers on your behalf in thinking about trying to cuddle with someone who pushes you away unless it's on their terms.  Creeps me out!

clbmom,

I sure hope we get to meet some day.  I have many friends that are attorneys, and the myriad of different jobs is fascinating.  Though my best friend right now is working for a firm and wading through the mortgage foreclosure mess day after day, and there is a level of grimness about that, that I cannot explain.  If I ever went to law school, it would be to become lawyer to RAD parents!  Don't even think such a thing exists.  And I know that practicing in multiple states is near impossible.  But it sure would be fun to swoop in with parents when they have to go to meetings with CRI'd professionals and at least be comfort to the parents that their rights aren't going to be trampled on.  Oh well, a gal can dream!  Anyway, you are an interesting person!

neitlingme,

Hang in there.  And it is ok not to be 'cuddly' with DN.  Remember, it's your presence that matters.  And you can soothe the 5 year old side of her by being close to her, lightly touching her shoulder, maybe rubbing her back.  Also, getting her through difficult situations by protecting her, that is huge.  You took a stand, "US" against them "them", and she was part of "us".  Little moments like that, repeated, will help.  I think I would also let her overhear you telling your sweetpeas "didn't DN do great.  This must be hard on her."  Keep it neutral, but complimentary, and don't direct at her or she will meltdown.

You are doing a great job my friend!  Thinking of you!

blessings

I can only imagine how much this stresses your DH & DN!!!  Again, I'm so sorry your whole family & MIL are having to go through this.  It must be a terrible, terrible trigger for DN.  Volunteering with foster kids, it always strikes me that they largely have to parent themselves - which is often necessary in the circumstances, but so often so maladaptive and winds up causing our RADs to be RADdy. 

I so appreciate where you're coming from too though.  I started off being my usual warm & cuddly self with AD20 until, over time, I didn't dare touch her at all.  You can swoop your darling little SWP's up b/c they will LET you do so and won't lash back at you with their fists or false allegations when you cuddle them.  You're connected to them in a way you're not connected to DN, because she cannot connect back.  When I would genuinely feel bad for AD and want to offer her comfort in a situation like you're describing, I'd do other things... like bring her a warm blanket or mug of hot chocolate, make her homemade mac & cheese, sing a song to her (usually Carly Simon's "Child of Mine").  I'm sure you are comforting her in your own ways - as best as you can - and I really admire you for continuing to work with DN and giving it your best shot - especially in trying times like this!

Neitling, the handful of times my ddworstrad let me sit close enough to her to even THINK of cuddling her, I also could not.   But I would simply put my hand on her head or side of her hair.   If she didn't do her fake "flinch", I would stroke her hair over and over while we/I talked or not.   My heart did not have to follow suit, I just used my hand to pass on the love that I know GOD has/had for her.   It helped me to think of myself as a deliverer of His peace or caring rather than sit there and dwell on my emotional distance (brought on by, well, YOU know...).     Good job on sitting with dn and for sticking up for her with that woman!

 :blob1:  DN may not ever tell you, but you 'done good' taking her side and going Momma bear for her.   Dd16 never said anything, but after we went Parent Bear for her, she began to slowly think about unpacking her emotional suitcase.  Every little bit counts.  Dd16 isn't much of a cuddler either, but she's saved every single card from grade 1 on from her lunch bags and when she was having a rough day (I'd put them on her pillow).  Don't kid yourself, there are inroads being made here, but be ready to duck too. 

Prayers continuing from here.
 :coffee2:
anne

Thanks for the prayers...and the encouragement.  Both are greatly needed and appreciated fully!!!

The trip was "shorter" than planned we just got home  (midnight our time).  We didn't feel welcome in MIL's home.  It's a mess --MIL did a 180 on everything we had been talking about...and not so nicely either.  Something/someone got to her.  It may always be a mystery who...but we have our suspicions.

I'm too tired to explain more tonight, but I will tomorrow. 

Thanks for everything you guys give me, without you I'd struggle through all this....stumbling all the way.  You all give me the courage to step high and meet the needs the best I can.

Remember to meet your needs first, so that you'll have the strength to meet their's too (oxygen mask on the airplane analogy).
 :coffee2:
anne

Thanks Anne!  Most definitely.

If I have learned anything from all the good folx here, it is that.

Well, what happened is this:

We got to the hospital.  DH went in by himself, because he doesn't trust any of his family (with the exception of the one BIL we were visiting for vacation).  Good thing he did.  MIL promised him that his Sister wouldn't be there (she's DN's former placement).  MIL told us to bring DN up.  Yeah...thanks for that.  Would LOVE the trauma that would ensue.  GOOD LORD.  Where is the protective instinct for children in all this mess??  (I know, I'm the church preaching to the choir here.)  Anyway, of course this sister was there.  GAH.  SO, we (after riding 3 hours in the car) had to SIT and wait in the car for another hour and a half.  You try sitting there with a RAD and two under 10...not really exciting therefore...they make their OWN excitement.  One heck of a headache for the mama sitting there! 

This sister had the audacity to tell DH that it was ok, she didn't mind seeing DN again.  ??WHAT??  HER?  It was about HER?   :BangHead: ::) :BangHead:  No wonder this family needs a   (http://i1141.photobucket.com/albums/n600/23BelleSt/crazy-crazy-mad-straight-jacket-smiley-emoticon-000187-large.gif)
Anyway, MIL barks that she doesn't want a medical POA to my DH...that "no one is going to take my house!"  HUH?  What on earth does THAT have to do with medical POA?  DH tried explaining to his mom that that wasn't what medical POA was...that it was in case something happened to her again, and she wasn't able to make a decision herself (like a stroke or another heart attack...).  It wasn't to "take control" from her now.  If she was "competent" (and it seemed so,) that of course she would be in charge of her own affairs.  Although, as her son, DH, did tell her that he felt her plan to return home with no care other than a visiting nurse twice or three times a week was not very smart in his opinion.  But it was her call.  He feels she's not taking the needs of the rest of the family into consideration in her very stubborn choice. 

MIL copped an attitude toward DH when he walked in the room, telling him that "sister" didn't have to leave the room.  He replied she was right.  BUT that HE didn't have to bring us (the rest of the family) up, nor did he have to stay.  We afterall did call earlier in the day ASKING nicely she not be there as the stress is just too much for DN.  We don't need MORE stress in all of this.  Then he turned to leave.  Apparently her attitude changed 180 degrees after that.  I'm surprised she's not dizzy.

This would be SO much easier if they all were nicer.  MIL included.  We love her, but she is spineless when it comes to supporting anyone...she only supports the one right in front of her. 

Anyway, the GOOD in this, is *I* did see her this time, and I was able to see things differently than DH.  I realized how well MIL really is doing physically.  I've seen 60yo's not bounce back from an open heart proceedure as well as she has.  She really is doing incredibly well.  She's up and vaulting down the hallway with no cane/walker or assistance.  She doesn't act as if her chest was cracked open just a couple days ago.  Hopefully that's not all an act though to get what she wants...and then have it crumble when she gets home.  Sigh.

We will see.  Thanks again for all the prayers!

Interesting that sister didn't leave so you all could come up to visit instead of sitting in the car.  A cup of coffee in the canteen would have been in order here.  So sorry for all the C@#p you are having to deal with right now.  Can't believe none of it is caused by dn.  Now there's a change.   :wave:

Actually it isn't.  This blasted sister is RAD all grown up.  She's definitely Borderline Personality Disorder.  And they have a sociopath in there to boot (DN's biodad).  Ugh.

It's like trying to thread a needle that doesn't have a hole!  It just doesn't work!

I just hope it's over soon.  I have enough to deal with without having to constantly calm DH down from either DN or his family!!!  DN is having a lot of trouble with it all, but her problems are at least somewhat predictable now.  I expect it to be "squishy" there.  I hold adults more accountable for their actions, and that's why I'm having trouble with all of this!!

 :BangHead: :BangHead: :BangHead: on your behalf.

Sending a little karma your way as a pick me up.  You deserve it!

Thanks Blue!  That just made me smile. 

At least YOU ALL understand why this is doubly frustrating.

I'm sorry I didn't see this sooner.  (((((((((((((((neitlingme)))))))))))))))  Praying things calm down for you and dh soon.

I'm just seeing this, I am so sorry your plate is full.

I guess things are calming some.  But, Now MIL is barely talking to DH.  Civility at best.  Strained.

I guess she's mad that he didn't come and spend every minute with her.  She's two hours away and HE is gone more than he is home to begin with.  IF we'd have driven up there every break he had, he'd have had no break at all, and would have to be back on the road.  He was ALWAYS available on the phone (except the one time she called at 2:30 in the morning asking DH for his brother, then getting mad at DH for not putting brother on the phone....DH did knock on brother's door and tell him mom was on the phone.  Brother told DH to tell mom to call back in the morning!  What else could DH have done???  MIL didn't ask to talk to DH!).  Apparently the twist on this story was that she called at 1am and he refused to let brother talk to her.  Huh?

Why are family so unreasonable when it comes to what someone is capable of?  Why do they have to get "righteous" because "They would have done it differently...."  Of course they would!  They don't live the same life we do!!!

DH called every day.  Worked himself into a tizzy.  Chose to do for his mom, even though she didn't find it enough.

And then, putting DN through the trauma of going back to where all her CSC charges stem from.  To see the people who betrayed her...people who were supposed to protect her and care for her, (as her bio's were supposed to do before then).

Not happening.  Nope.

If they don't want to see things objectively, well, I guess there is nothing we can do.  We still call daily.  We still pray.  We still love her and want her to get well.  I guess we can do all of that from afar too.   :love9: :coffee:

(((((((Neitling))))))))

Beginning to get the picture where some of dns problems may have originated.  Sounds like a multigenerational thing.  Who calls in the middle of the night to talk????  So sorry for your dh.  He is evidently family scapegoat and no matter how much he does it will never be enough. 

Loving from afar is very gracious.  Wishing you and yours peace.   :love4:

That all sounds so demanding and not very loving.  Poor dh....sounds like he can't win with his mother.    Hope she gets well SOOOON! 

thinking of you friend neitlingme!

blessings

Thanks guys. 

Just another day in a family full of nuts!

neitlingme, you have my sympathies.  Dealing with the multi-generational is such a pain the tookus! I've got abusive nuts on DSD's side and other nutty issues on DH's side - sigh......