Trauma Headquarters and ADSG

I have to go to court because the agency filed a complaint against me regarding my son's last attack on me. He was injured, very minor, but the Judge thought since he was a threat to me he should be removed. That backfired when he was a total jerk in two foster homes and the residential facility. After two short weeks they were more than happy to give him back. I know, you are all shocked!

But, because the agency is afraid of the Judge they filed the complaint anyway. I just want them out of my life. They are useless and have no help for anything. They even concluded that I did nothing wrong, I do everything I can to help my son and they have no new ideas.

So, please just pray God provides the right direction. I have assured my attorney I will do whatever she suggests. There may be a reason the agency needs to be involved because God knows what is coming and I can't see it.

Thanks,

Sherrie

Praying. Let us know what happens.

I'll praying for you and sending a (HUG).

Well, same as always happens. The agency wants a protection order to make sure my poor son is safe. Like I am the issue. But, we live in a stupid county and even if we took it to trial the court would still do the COPs order. So, my attorney suggested we just cut the chase and maybe they will go away sooner.

I guess with their involvement, at least if he flips out, I can have them move him to respite or residential.

Thanks for praying. I guess God ahs something in mind.

Sherrie

I don't understand. A protection order against you? And what does your attorney mean that if you cut the chase, maybe they will go away sooner. Cut the chase, how?

Oh, Sherrie.  I'm so sorry you are going through this  It has been months since your son attacked you and NOW they are getting an order against you.  This ridiculousness is so very typical of the incompetence of CPS/CYS/DYS. ((HUG))

Well, in our county the agency ALWAYS gets their way and the Judge and magistrate refuse to consider any evidence against what they want, so cutting the chase just means maybe they will decide they can close my case sooner.

Part of why I got booted from the court appointed list is I told the prosecutor that, in a nice way, but still I said "in this county it is what it is" in response to her comment that she had won ever hearing on a juvenile case where a 15 year old was charged with child pornography for getting pictures of a girl. She was charged with a misdemeanor offense.

Anyway, it sucks. I had hoped to get back on the list, at least ask, and to continue fostering, but both are on hold as long as the agency has an open case. It doesn't even matter that the investigation showed that I was merely protecting myself and my son even admitted he attacked me for no reason and that I have never hit him before. the stupid Judge just wanted to cover her ass for when he really may hurt me. That way she can pretend she offered help.

It's even funnier, or not, that the case plan asks me to do nothing I am not already doing and of course, my dear son has no expectations because children are all innocent and need protecting from bad parents.

I hate our system but I am stuck in it for now.

Sherrie

Oh, sweetie.

As if our kids aren't enough, the system is as messed up.

I LOVE your attitude, God certainly has a plan.  Sometimes we wish for a glimpse (which would be nice!). 

I can tell you, from the other side of the sludge, that life turns amazing.

Well, not sure what God's plan is yet, but my dear son flipped out and started hitting things, trying to break things that were my mom's (yard ornaments) and then started pulling up my flowers. He was angry because he did not want to pull weeds as restitution for his court costs. So, since dear CPS has temporary custody I called them and they decided they could not do anything since they could not put him in foster care (no home will take him) and they had to have a counselor authorize him being in residential, (that's funny because they didn't need a counselor before for him to be in residential). So, after the sheriff deputies were here and CPS did nothing he pulled the weeds (badly) and ate his dinner late and took a shower and went to bed. This was after we spent the morning going to yard sales, which we had also done the day before, and he likes to do. So, nice way to show happiness with me? In fact, I hadn't asked him to do anything that day except sort his laundry, shake a few rugs and clean the bathroom sinks and toilet.

I am trying to decide how much more of this I am going to endure. I have tried literally everything. There is no answers because my son refuses to change, at all. He says he wants to change but then goes right back to his same behaviors.

I had a trust chart for him to work towards the things he wants but he refused to even work on that. In 2 weeks he has earned no blocks, so he still has no privileges that go alone with trust.

This morning he acted all happy like nothing was wrong and was surprised when I did not engage him. I fed him his breakfast and he read at the desk for awhile then I went outside so he had to go too. he was mad because there wasn't anything dry he could sit on to read. I left him outside where he will be all day until meal time and bedtime. (No, he never apologized either. But, even if he had it would be meaningless, as we all know).

Anyway, not sure God's plan but I am certain we will not be doing anything fun this summer. I refuse to take a child anywhere when he refuses to even try to behave at home. I had planned a trip to the Creation Museum, Wright Patterson Air Force Museum, a Clipper's baseball game, and the Ohio State Fair. he demands to go on vacation but I have told him there is no way until he acts respectful, responsible and fun to be around at home.

So, I will see what the genius' at CPS say tomorrow. They don't want him either. they especially don't want to spend $600 a day for him to be in residential. I expect it will be an interesting conversation. He's supposed to be at day camp next week, but I am not sure I will survive that long with him here 24/7.

Thanks for praying, please don't stop.

Sherrie

Praying.  Is he getting much physical activity to get out the bad energy he stores up?  It was suggested to us to have her exercise doing something that doesnt seem like exercise to get that energy out and release those much needed endorphins.  They also suggested a punching bag for anger. 

In my worthless opinion, enabling/teaching a RADish to punch something when they need to release anger could be a possibly lethal mistake.

I'm praying for you, Sherrie.

((((((((((((((((Sherrie)))))))))))))))

I prayed and will continue to pray for you.

I have a punching bag in the basement but my son doesn't use it. My oldest son did sometimes but it helped short term but he became very violent later that maybe it was a mistake to suggest it.

I try to encourage my son to go do activities and be active but he usually refuses, if I suggest it.

So, I discovered some of God's plan yesterday. My son had just eaten lunch and was putting the clean dishes away. he asked to go outside, which is odd, because I usually have to send him outside. So, my mom radar went off and I walked outside to find my son. he was not in the two places he was assigned to be. I found him around the side of the house finishing off a freeze pop, which he had taken from the freezer without asking. I asked him what he was thinking, directed him to the step until I could put my shoes on and show him his chore, the usual consequence for broken rules. I showed him the grass under the fence that the weed eater could not cut and told him to pull it. Guess what? he refused. I simply said well, you can sit here or do the job. So, he went into the backyard, moved the decorative concrete elephant from the septic cover and started to raise the lid. I told him to stop. He ran to the clothes line and pulled the clothes off. He then ran out the gate into the front yard. I followed to make sure he didn't do any more harm. he acted like he was going to pull the peaches off the tree (they are still growing and not ripe). I told him to stop and he just smiled and ran down the drive. I walked a short ways and he started to go into the farmer's wheat field so I told him to stop and walked back to the house. He picked up some rocks and followed. Each time I turned he was closer and he raised his fists to me several times saying he would hit me. He acted like he would throw the rocks at me also. I simply kept going toward the house and he ran up and tried to get inside but I closed the door right before he threw a rock that hit the house near me. I had to lock him out and he went to the garage where he was pounding on the door. I told him to stop and leave the garage. he refused so I opened the door and he ran out. I closed the garage door to keep him from accessing the tools and other dangerous objects. he ran back to the other door and rang the doorbell dozens of times. I had to open the door to get him to stop so he moved towards my flowers and began pulling them up and breaking the flowers off. I tried to get him to stop but he ran around me and into the house. he went to his room and locked the door. I told him to unlock the door and he did and came out but he fell on the floor and began screaming. I simply watched for a few minutes and walked away. When the deputy arrived I had him taken to the local hospital for an assessment. he went to a respite home for the night.

My question is how do you stop their insatiable desire to create chaos? It seems no matter what I try my son thrives on chaos and causing havoc. Even when he is simply playing he is destroying things. The other day I found him smashing his toy truck because he wanted to. he was playing, no demands, no expectations, just playing.

I clearly cannot trust him anywhere. I have decided I will likely have to keep him in the house unless I am outside. I can't even trust him alone in a room because he will get into and take anything he wants, usually sugar from the sugar bowl, sweets, candy, chocolate... He steals from the teachers at school but they are not wise enough to know he is doing it.

So, any ideas? I am struggling to come up with something I haven't tried yet. I am seriously considering giving up my parental rights. He seems totally unwilling to change his behavior and I can't make him want to change. I hate giving up but I cannot change him, he ahs to want to change and he clearly does not.

Sherrie

I am getting ready to run out. I will be praying. Giving up parental rights sounds like it may be your best option. I think you have tried everything else.

You should not have to live with the constant fear that this mentally ill child is going to physically attack you....again.   

Some children are so "broken" they can't live in families. He may be one of them.  If you refuse to take him back from overnight respite CPS must find a residential placement for him.

My daughter has the same need for chaos and extreme stimulation.  She's had this insane "need" since I adopted her.  Her neurologist told me it was a common symptom of FAS/ARND.   She's been on ADHD medication since she was 3 years old.  She's been on mood stabilizing meds since the age of 13.

From her toddler years, she wanted to swing as high as the swing could be pushed.  No height was too scary.

She would stick her arms down into the ice chest filled with melting ice, freezing cold water, and soft drinks.  She would leave her arms in the ice water for several minutes.  When she'd remove her arms, they would be right pink for 10 minutes.  She said this was fun.   "Normal" people couldn't tolerate putting their arms in ice water this for more than 20 seconds. 

She cried at amusement parks until she met the height restriction and was allowed on the scariest rollercoasters. 

She ran high hurdles with high school track team not because she had talent for this (she didn't).  She liked the adrenaline rush of trying not to fall over them and crush her face. 

She had to sit in the front row in front of the teacher's desk in every class since elementary school because of her need to started chaos. 

She seeks the creepiest people (ex-convicts or kids from a local RT school) to befriend.   She can't maintain their friendships because she immediately starts interpersonal conflicts.  (She attended adolescent socialization group therapy for a year, but refuses to implement what she learned.)   

She has absolutely zero fear of anything and can't follow any common sense safety rules.  Last Saturday at 2:30 am, she walked 6 miles to a friend's home by herself.  She left my home one winter morning with no hat or gloves and only a hoodie when it was -5 F.  She walked 2 miles to get potato chips and then 2 miles back home. 

She rents the goriest horror movies and watches them over and over. 

Her twitter page shows photos of her climbing a REAL rock mountain in jeans.   No rescue firemen or emergency medical techs could have easily reached her if she fell.

She manipulates creepy adult males to call and threaten me whenever I don't comply with all her demands.   

Her desire for constant, extreme stimulation/chaos has not decreased over time.  If your son is alcohol affected (FAS/ARND), Sherrie, his desire for chaos/extreme stimulation may never change.  It's a symptom of brain damage.

You have said it yourself... They have to truly want to change AND be willing to ACTUALLY do the work to change.

He is clearly not willing to do that.

You thought he learned this the last time the courts took him away from you.

Clearly that is not the case.

He isn't going to change. This is the life you are going to have if he remains in your home.

Can you live with that?

Eliza,

Thanks for the idea about FAS. I know his mother drank, even though she lied. I also know she used drugs a lot. The odd thing is my son doesn't gravitate towards as much horror and gore but he doesn't seem to feel much pain, unless it gets him attention. He bites and self harms still. he has decreased his amount of self harming but he still does it. His hand was infected recently and he had to puncture it to drain the goo. I figured since his full scale IQ id 71 he is just too dumb to know any better. But, I had not considered his FAS/FAE possibility. He has had his brain checked and it isn't damaged, like trauma, but who knows about the drugs.

mcbfun,

I am not sure. I have been pondering that same question. He seems attached to me and at times he shows real empathy and sadness. he cried when a song reminded him of my mom, yet all of the things he has been destroying were from her. I just packed them all up, based on his destruction and a comment in the book, "When Love Isn't Enough" about putting away everything that means anything to keep it safe. I really don't know what I want to do going forward.

I really just want a kid who wants to be helped and wants a family/home.

I guess that is too much to ask anymore.

Sherrie

Sherrie,

I remember that feeling. I wanted a kid who wanted a home and wanted to be helped. I haven't had one like that as far I can remember. Some of my healthier adopted kids are leaning in that direction now, but no one started out that way.

MamaBee,

I know what you mean. I had one boy who was so loving and grateful and caring. He wanted to stay here so bad but the agency wanted to move him to where his brother and baby sister were even though that house was a dump. So, he moved and then they moved them all again.

I am just so heart broken about both of my sons. My oldest is back in jail. he violated his terms of probation so he was arrested. I know he is still using and I know he isn't in jail but I want so much more for him. he at least was kind and loving when he last visited and except for having withdrawal pains he didn't do anything disrespectful.

I spoke to my youngest last night and all he wanted to tell me about was all of the food he has been permitted to eat, mostly junk food and fast food. he bragged about playing Call of Duty and lots of video games too. He did not ask about me or anything here. I know he is stressed out and sad. He says he wants to come home, he trusts me and he loves me but he certainly doesn't act like it. the foster mom who has him now says he is the worst kid she has ever had, and that is format least 100 kids according to her. I know he is going back into a residential facility by the end of the week. That is best because at least he can't hurt people or pets. the foster mom told me he told one of her kids he was going to run over her feet with a grocery cart. She told him if he did she would cut his feet off. I guess he decided not to do it.

Anyway, I still hope there are some kids out there for me. I want my sons to be well and at least be productive members of society. I am not sure my youngest son will be back home because he has never changed his behavior before and he told his counselors he wasn't going to change it now.

Thanks again for praying. I am so sad and hurt and I just want something to go well.

Sherrie

Oh my.  His IQ is 71. With an IQ this low, he will always have poor reasoning and judgment skills.  IQ is essentially static.  (Yes, I read several university studies showing that IQ can change over time, but none of the individuals, whose IQs changed in the studies, experience a dramatic change.) 

There's some good info about FASD under Multiple Diagnosis.  I just added some images that helped us.

One of our laments?  But for three philtrums.....

I just read an encouraging devotion about the difference between the attitudes of Optimism and Hope.

"Optimism is the expectation that things - the weather, human relationships, the economy, the political situation....- will get better. The optimist speaks about concrete things.

Hope is the trust that God will fulfill God's promises to us in a way that leads us to freedom. The person of hope lives in the moment with the knowledge and trust that all of life is in good hands." Henri Nouwen

So, I am trying to have Hope and not worry about being optimistic.  If I can just live in the moment and believe God will do as He promises then I will be at peace with whatever that freedom may look like. I do not know if the freedom will be my son returning home with a better approach to life or if I will have to terminate my parental rights and let him stay in the facility he is now residing in.

Sherrie

That is it!  Im not necessarily optimistic but HOPE is what makes all the difference!   That perspective is what we have to have.