Trauma Headquarters and ADSG

I am asking any of you who feel led to pray that I get through this Christmas.

I lost my mom last year the day after Christmas and it is really hurting now. I miss her so much and even if I understand loss and grief and everything else the pain is real and I love my mom so much. She was an amazing person who helped all of us have the best she could give and she always loved us.

I am going to  a friends for Christmas day but the pain and sadness are so powerful when I am alone. there is only my two cats in my house so there is a lot of alone time.

Thanks for praying. Christmas was my favorite holiday for the reason of the celebration and because my mom always made it special even when it cost her so much. I don't want to be around my own family because my brother has refused to help me with the funeral expenses, even though eh could. Plus, they are all so judgmental of my sons and my life. I don't need their condescension right now. My one niece isn't like that at all but I can't just visit her because the whole family will be there too.

Thanks for the prayers. I am praying for all of you as well.

Sherrie

Praying as you go through this first anniversary of your mom passing.  The pain is very real.  Recently a pastor pointed out that Jesus wept when Lazarus died.  He has felt the pain of death, and it is a comfort to me that he understands.

Praying for you, Sherrie. I'm glad you're making an effort to stay busy. Try to avoid spending a lot of time alone in a quiet house.

Don't you wish you could just morph yourself to January 3?

Praying.

Remember it takes a long time to grieve. I think three years is often to be expected.  In some of the worst things I have gone through, one thing that helped was to plan a time each day that I could be by myself to cry. In one situation, it was the same time and place every day. Knowing that I had that time, helped me get through the rest of the day.

Thank you all for praying.

I went to a friends house and it was ok. The dinner was nice but I was amazed at how glued to their electronic devices everyone in the family was. There was not much conversation so besides watching a funny Christmas movie and eating food it was disappointing. But, it did get me away from home and sadness.

I have a candle from the funeral that has my mom's picture on the outside. I lit it the past several days and it reminded me she is present and watching over me, still. I am certain she is in Heaven. I do not believe she is an angel, since angels are created beings, but I know she can see me and still prays for me.

Working at the hardware has been nice. It's boring work but at least I see people and talk to them and get out of my house.

I recognize that my deepest sadness comes from the disappointments and hurts that come from my sons. Neither of them called me on Christmas, even though both could have. I had sent my oldest $20 for his account and to buy stamps to write but I suspect he used it for candy and pop from the commissary. I have no idea why my youngest did not call. But, it made me realize that neither of my sons will ever love me, especially not like I loved my mom. I would have figured out how to be with her at Christmas no matter what. I had never missed a Christmas or Thanksgiving with her in 50 years. But, my sons could care less. They are typical RAD's and their only focus is on themselves. I think this acceptance for me is vital because I hope it keeps me from getting hurt so much. I will still do what I need to do to help them be productive adults who may have some thoughts of others, or not. I can show them love even if they do not love me back. I just have to know they probably will not love me back. Maybe they really can't. But, Jesus told us to love our enemies, so I am sure loving my sons is within that realm.

That was where most of my sadness came from on Christmas. I am trying not to be bitter. I wrote to my son, the almost 22 year old in jail, and explained to him how I felt. I don't expect he will care but I told him as nicely as I could and suggested he learn to try and show others love too and stop using them to get his needs met only.

I will see my youngest son, 12, Thursday. I am hoping to express my frustration with him and then just move on. No explanation he gives will matter. I have already explained to his therapist my position and expectations and predictions about my son. the therapist is still hoping the NRI will fix everything. I do not believe it will. I think it will work on the trauma issues but RAD is not a trauma issue. RAD is about relationships and attachment and the NRI will not change that. My son knows where his hurts came from but he is still unwilling to trust and love others. he may never do that and I am committed to not letting that cause me any more pain.

My love exists because I am a mom to my sons. Not because they deserve it. Jesus loved each of us and I know I didn't deserve it.

Please pray I can be firm and caring and deliver my message to my youngest son tomorrow with compassion but sincerity and with no emotional overtones. I cannot appear weak or my RAD son will use that against me later. My oldest did and still does at times.

thank you,

Sherrie

I will continue to pray for you and your sons.

I'm sending a long hug to you, Sherrie.

Doesn't it suck how your rational mind 'gets it' but your heart still breaks?

I think that's the hardest part of being on the other side of the trauma war.  You still love them, you still want the best for them, you still hurt for them.

You know nothing you'll ever do will change them, but you still want.

And the contrast of missing your own mother while your kids wouldn't cross the street to spit on you if you were on fire hurts deeply.

I have been where you are, missing parents I loved deeply while watching our family disintegrate.

May it help, just a little, to know that one day you will wake up and know that you are perfect.  Fine.  It's them and not you.  That you did more than most; you tried.  And one day, hopefully, that will be enough for all of us.