Trauma Headquarters and ADSG

My husband is looking at two possible job options which would mean some big changes for our family.....a long-distance move out of state being one of the most obvious. 

He's a clinical psychologist and will be interviewing for a position in Wisconsin this coming week.  He is in the process of arranging an interview for another position in northern Minnesota--hoping for a mid-January date.

Either job could actually offer him more pay, benefits that he doesn't have now in private practice, and with any luck, more regular work hours that would enable him to be home in time for dinner more often.  There's also the potential that either job could relocate us to an area where we'd have access to more resources and services for both our boys. 

With so much to think about, I'm trying not to feel too pulled in any direction with hope or anticipation.  I caught myself on a little "snag" the other day because in looking at the two areas, we've been checking out the housing options.  I'd become quite attached to a particular house...an old Victorian house with 6 bedrooms...more than 3,000 square feet of space...corner lot....hardwood floors...some stained-glass window...nice window lighting....etc.  I let myself "dream" that we'd move there....

And then, last night we got a note from the realtor who will give my husband a tour on Friday.  She said the house was in need of a lot of work and located in a declining neighborhood.  In fact, all the mls#s that we sent her that were of interest to us, she said were either not good properties or in bad neighborhoods.  Wouldn't you know it?  But the lesson I am learning is that it's probably better to just put this aside for the time being and let each step come one at a time. 

Each time we have moved, we have found a decent house in a decent neighborhood.  God knows what we need and He will provide. 

I just ask for your prayers and support as we wait things out for a while.  I don't envy my husband with his upcoming interview...having to be under the spotlight for pretty much the full time.  I used to be a teacher, and I told him that whenever I interviewed for jobs, I usually only got half an hour to an hour to make my best impression.  He's going to have a very full schedule with meals and tours and lots of people to meet!  Please keep us in your thoughts this week....me too, because our 9-year-old has been having a really tough time with things lately, and this is not likely to help matters. 

Thank you!
Liz   

Will say a prayer here!   Sounds like alot of good possibilities for the whole family.   Keep us posted.  justine

Just a quick follow up...my husband arrived home safely Saturday evening.  He's given me the impression that things went well, that he liked the area, and that he'd consider an offer if one is made.  Hopefully he'll hear something within a few weeks.

His interview in north-western WI/north-eastern MN (two possible locations within one medical practice) is scheduled for mid-January.

Believe it or not, Saturday night, my husband was at the computer looking at yet another job option in the Cincinnati area...close to most of his family.  At some point in recent weeks, I said something to encourage him to keep looking for options if these two interviews didn't develop into offers.  He took me literally....and he acted upon hints from his siblings that he really should look into what's available in the Cincinnati area.   

I'm not totally opposed to the idea.  It's come up many times before.  I'm just a bit intimidated by the idea of living so close to his family because there are so many of them.   He has ten siblings, and most of them have stayed in the area, so family gatherings are big and loud.  It's usually a little beyond my comfort level...being more of an introvert than he is.   

My hesitation is strong because I've not been able to sell myself on the idea that living closer to lots of family necessarily implies having more "support"....but I know that I shouldn't dismiss the idea based on my own insecurities.  I've known since we got married more than 12 years ago that he's had an interest in moving back to be closer to his family.

It's just another wrinkle for the time being.

Liz     

 

You have my thoughts, prayers and understanding.  The first part of August we moved from Colorado to Pennsylvania for a job change for my hubby -- big move and hard on the family, especially my ds15(bio).  I am from the west coast and have never lived on the east coast.  It seems everyone had nothing but warnings for us; how different it would be, how we wouldn't like it here, and how homesick I would be.  Turns out, we like it here, except for the fact that the majority of our family is on the west coast.  We were kind of hoping it might be a bit of a fresh start for our dd8 since she wouldn't be pointing out places to us saying, "I lived here with XX and went there with YY; that's where we used to have visits with A&M (bio parents)."  She is same though, no better no worse.

I pray you end up someplace where you are all happy and comfortable.

Thank you so much, boxermom.

There is something to be said for making a "fresh start" in a new location!  I'd like to think that could make a difference as far as schooling goes...either in finding a public school that can accommodate our son's special needs or in finding support for me so that I can continue homeschooling. 

I'm glad that Pennsylvania has worked out well for you.   :)  Wisconsin is my home state...so the idea of moving back there doesn't seem as BIG as when I originally made the move from Wisconsin all the way to North Carolina.   

Liz

 

Any news on the possible move?  Been thinking about you.  I know for me, waiting to see if we were going to move kind of drove me crazy! 

No news yet from the first location where he interviewed (La Crosse, Wisconsin).  He's leaving again this Saturday to spend four days in the areas of Duluth, MN and Ashland, WI to interview for two possible positions with the same medical center. 

His brother (also a psychologist) got an offer in La Crosse, but is also interviewing in Duluth and Ashland (starting the day after Fred leaves.)

I've been keeping my cool about this...too much else on my mind trying to keep up with Ds's challenges.  Each place would have it's own pros and cons....

Liz

It is so good to know when things regarding the future are so uncertain, that the path is already laid out.  Especially with the daily challenges of being a mom and a mom of raddys as well.  I will pray for the path to be clear and well lit for you and your dh to see.  Trusting that will happen! 
I lived in Mpls for 12 years.  I love MN.  A bit cold, so some adjusting, but it is a lovely state with nice people.  MN nice they call it!
Karen

My husband received an email yesterday from the folks in La Crosse letting him know that there would be no offer.   :(  I'm a little disappointed--I like the La Crosse area, but I am a firm believer in things working out for reasons beyond my understanding.  If not this...then something else.  He intends to keep looking, and we keep praying that we will be guided to wherever that somewhere else is meant to be.

On to Duluth and Ashland tomorrow morning through Late Tuesday night.  Please continue to keep us in your prayers.  It is much appreciated.

Liz

Liz, i guess it is some consolation to have 2 more choices.  And not hundreds either.   My dh works for himself.  That sounds wonderful because our last move involved the reality that we could move ANYWHERE!   while that sounds great....it is a bit overwhelming.  I like a few choices...good choices of course!  ;)  Hope you get one!  justine

I've been told that the Northern Lights are visible from Ashland!  That would be sooo cool!

Liz

Latest report is favorable in the sense that dh seemed "at ease" with the people in Ashland.  Not as sure about Duluth...but still looking at both options as possibilities.  He may need to make one more trip for more interviewing time.  One of the directors felt there just wasn't enough time allotted during this visit to cover it all. 

I guess that's a good thing in regard to their interest, but I'll admit that I felt myself "sink" a little bit at the idea of yet another trip.  He's still got to be gone for three days at the end of the month for a work-related conference...in state, but miles from home.

He's coming home late tonight...probably close to midnight...then back to work again tomorrow with a full schedule for the remainder of the week. 

Ds sees the psychiatrist again Friday morning and I'm anticipating that we're going to be adding one or maybe even two new meds.  Abilify is one possibility.  Ds and I met with one of my husband's colleagues last week (a social worker) who felt ds won't benefit from therapy until we get the anxiety issues under control.  We certainly found that to be true a year ago when we were attempting AT. 

I'm doing whatever I can these days just to try to minimize the stress within our household...letting things slide here and there in the interest of trying to find balance and calm wherever and whenever possible. 

Ds spent the entire day playing yesterday.  He'd pushed me pretty hard Saturday and Sunday, and I knew I needed a break, but didn't really have a lot of options.  Before 8:00 yesterday morning he was already revving up pretty intensely, so I gathered up quite a few of his favorite toys and a new puzzle, set him up in his room with instructions to play to his heart's content...and did what I could to avoid any type of "battle" with him. 

At the end of the day, he started revving up again when it was time to put everything away....but by then I was in a better state of mind so I handled the end of the day much better. 

I'm not sure what we're doing today.  I know we should be doing school work, but when he's this dysregulated, it's almost pointless to try to "work" with him because all of my energy goes into trying to manage his behavior and negative attitude.  That's not good for either one of us.  I'm hoping he's in a better state of mind today....but chances are that he's going to be even more worked up because dh is coming home tonight and Tuesdays are also Scout meeting days...not usually a good thing in ds's mind.

Anyway...my gut feeling about the job situation is that Ashland sounds like it would be a good match for dh.  Hopefully he will get an offer from them!  His brother is heading up that way today for his interviews. 

Dh has been home for a week, and he's still waiting for any sort of news regarding his latest interviews.  He and his brother continue to compare notes regarding the pros and cons.  One day their both psyched about it...the next day, not so much.  It'll be interesting to see what eventually happens with all this. 

Right now I wish I could shield myself from their wavering because I'll be the first to admit that I need some stability these days.  Ds9 has been in a very bad state of mind for such a long time.  His psychiatrist prescribed Klonopin in addition to the Concerta and Risperdal he is already taking.  Maybe it's the combo of meds...but his behavior has been very challenging, and his attitude toward me and what I'm trying to do with him for homeschooling has become increasingly negative. 

I had a different "game plan" in mind when we started back after Christmas, and I really think I've got some good ideas.  Unfortunately, school has not been going well for several months, and everything has gotten so complicated and mixed with emotional reactions rather than purposeful work. 

His reactions make no sense to me, which completely frustrates me, but I also see the oddities of his behavior as a gauge to his state of mind.  Looking at it from that perspective, this probably has nothing at all to do with whether or not my school plans are a good fit.  Rather, he feels hopeless and overwhelmed regardless of what I do...so that's where I have to start, even if it means school takes a back seat again and again.  I know him well enough to realize that he can't focus on school work when he's so disconnected from his thoughts and feelings.  He's hanging on by a thread every day. 

So...gotta think of a new strategy that will incorporate the calming sensory time that he needs without calling it that (because when he knows I have a plan, he feels threatened.)  If I can sneak in some "school" subjects, great, but goal #1 is to figure out what's got him tied up in so many knots.  From my perspective, we keep things structured and safe, but clearly, I am missing something and I've got to pay closer attention.  He reacts more to those teeny-tiny changes and ripples in life than to the bigger rumbles.

We have a meeting scheduled with the director of special ed from our current district next Tuesday morning.  It's primarily for informational purposes since we don't know what our long-term plans might be, but we will need their assistance in preparing an IEP if we do end up moving and do opt for public school placement.  In the mean time, I don't know if it's a good idea or not to consider returning him to public school now.  Certainly, it would relieve my stress tremendously, but if we don't have the right person in place for support (either for part-time tutoring with maybe math and reading, or full-time placement in a regular classroom but with specific resource help), we could do more damage than good.

Thanks to all of you who have been keeping me and my family in your prayers.  Hopefully dh will hear something this week from Ahsland and Duluth...one way or the other.  He's preparing his vitae to send out to a few other places...including Cincinnati, OH (which would put us close to his family) and Fargo, ND (which is where he went to grad school.)  I'm doing what I can to support his search...keeping faith that we'll be guided one step at a time.

Liz 

   

((((((((((((((((Liz & Family))))))))))))))))

This is such a long road for all of you.  Take care.

my dh and I also have been thru MANY changes last year and I also longed for some answer to give us some sense of stability, change is very stressful for us. But God truly does have a plan and purpose for your life and it will come in the perfect time (although my dh and I have jokingly called him our 11:59 God) I promise peace, the peace of God will come, you remain in our prayers.

Liz,
You are being an awesome mom!  Putting into practice what you share with others.  That is hard when you are dealing with the uncertainty of the future for yourself and your family.  We moms really carry it all in our hearts.  I hear your concern for your son, and trying to help him, and that is pretty incredible.  Pat yourself on the back, kudo's to you, and know you are in the prayers of many. 
Karen

Thank you all so much for your kind words and prayers.  I truly appreciate the support.

Liz

Just  brief update...

Dh's brother is expecting to hear specific details today regarding an offer from Ashland, WI.  He had some leverage to speed up their process because he has another offer pending and promised to get back to them today.   Unless Ashland comes up with a spectacular offer, it looks as though dh's brother will accept the other offer--which was a really good one. 

Dh is still waiting on any further news, but has continued to apply for other positions (including Cincinnati, OH and Fargo, ND) and has also sent his vitae to places that have not advertised positions but may be good places to investigate.  If Ashland comes through with an offer for him, we'll give it serious consideration, but he'd like to have some other options too. 

Why ND???  He actually interviewed with this same practice several years ago before he got his current job, and at that time, he felt he did not make a favorable impression because his experiences were rather limited.  It's a whole different ball game now that he's worked in private practice for the past six years and has acquired a wide array of additional training...not to mention our own life experiences with our son's multiple needs.  It was my mistake in thinking that his grad school was in Fargo...it was actually in Grand Forks (which is a bit further north.)  He likes ND, and at this point, I have to keep an open mind.  The reality is that I've been fine no matter where I have lived in my 42 years of life.  I think I could adjust....even to the cold.  I am a Wisconsin native....though living in the South for the past 13 years has softened me when it comes to handling ice and snow. 

Still asking for prayers as well in regard to our scheduled meeting tomorrow morning with the special ed. director of our public school system.  I have no idea what will come from this...just praying for guidance that we do what's necessary to best match our son's needs. 

Thanks a bunch!
Liz 

Dh's brother accepted his offer for the position in La Crosse, WI.  Dh has been told that the Duluth/Ashland company determined they can't support a position for a child psychologist in Ashland, but they are interested in having him work in Duluth.  He's waiting further details of what they have to offer and such.   

He's OK with them taking their time for a little while so he can see if any of his other searches result in an interview.  He seems quite interested in Fargo, and had a nice conversation with the recruiter who was pleased to know that he had been to grad school in ND.  Maybe that's already a foot in the door.  I'm trying to psyche myself up to the idea of moving somewhere so cold and flat!  (Quite a change from the mountains of NC where we live now!)  He's looking into some options that could put us close to La Crosse, but there are no specific position listed.  He's just hoping to catch someone's interest with his skills at the right time! 

Our school meeting with the special ed. director is in just a couple of hours.  Ds had a really decent day yesterday as far as school...wouldn't you know it!?!  I'm hoping that's a good sign that the Klonopin is helping.  He just woke up and seems to be in a very pleasant mood....that's a NICE change of pace!   ;) We'll see how today goes.....

Liz 

I hope you get some news soon so you can move onto your family's next chapter.  Waiting and wondering becomes challenging after a bit (at least it did for me).  Maybe that is what is going on with your ds.  Although you might not sense any stress, tension, anticipation, etc., there has to be some of that going on inside you.  I swear these kids can sense emotions that we don't even realize we are experiencing.

Those of you who home school these kids amaze me.  I couldn't consider it with my dd8.  It would ruin what very little relationship we have and not allow me my "sanity time" while she is at school.  I home schooled my two bios for most of their schooling until dd8 arrived and dd12 informed me that she would not allow dd8 to go to school all by herself.  While I had big concerns (dd12 has some learning challenges), she was very determined that she was going to school and home schooling was tough on our relationship (she is not an easy child).  Dh thought it would be good if I no longer wore the teacher hat in addition to the mom hat.  That was two years ago and she is holding her own and our relationship is much more pleasant. 

Good to hear ds is doing better today.  Hopefully that trend will continue for a while!

Dh has a phone interview scheduled for next Tuesday morning for a position in Cincinnati.  If that goes well, we assume that he'll be invited for a formal interview.   Apparently there has been some delay in their Human Resources Dept. processing his materials, so this phone interview should help move things along...at the very least to give dh a chance to learn more about the positions that are available. 

Dh also has an interview in Fargo, ND tentatively scheduled for Friday, Feb. 29th.  We're pretty sure that Fargo would have some good resources for our older son who is gifted and will be entering middle school next year.  Dh is going to be contacting the schools regarding their special ed. programs so that hopefully he can meet with a director of the services while he is in the area. 

Dh will be away from home for at least three days....complicated a bit by the fact that he's taking part in some other training the week before which will take him away from home for a few days too.  Ds9 has had a tough time with the other trips.  I'd like to think that maybe he'd be getting more used to it by now....but I doubt it.   ::)  Dh's time away from home is getting harder and harder to "explain," but we feel it's best not to tell ds9 about the job search until something is definitive.  It would make matters so much more stressful if he knew.  :o   So we just pass it off asd more job-related meetings and training.  Ds hasn't asked too many questions, but I doubt he'll be happy about two more (maybe three more) trips in the coming weeks. 

I think I am going to need a few weeks off when all this passes!!! 

I have a meeting scheduled next Wednesday afternoon with a special ed. teacher who has agreed to include ds9 in a math and reading group that meets every morning from 8:15-9:45.  Next week's meeting will be to get acquainted.  I don't know when we'll officially start, but I'm hoping this is a step in the right direction.  Our primary concern is to work toward getting the school district's assistance with an IEP for next school year.  By actually working with him, hopefully they will see first hand the concerns we have been trying to address. 

We are also going to try to line up an appointment with a child psychiatrist in Asheville (about an hour away from us).  We've been seeing a psychiatrist for more than a year, but she doesn't usually work with children, and I think we have to agree that we've exhausted her limits with ds's issues.  It may be more than a month before we can get an appointment.....so we wait.

That's about all the news....

Liz

Just a brief update...

My husband heard from Fargo yesterday that they will not be offering him a position.  He interviewed in Cincinnati recently as well...hoping for an offer there if at all possible.  Still has an interview coming up in Greenville, SC at the end of this month, but I've not gotten the impression that he's really interested in that one.  The main perk there is the moving distance would be a lot shorter.  He's already reading through the latest listings again....ready to keep applying for positions as needed.

The school situation...as I posted under the homeschooling section, did not work out.  The teacher was assigning work that was beyond my son's comprehension and comfort level...all in the course of two days.  When I addressed my concerns, the teacher dismissed them.  It wasn't a good situation for any of us...so we backed off. 

We still have nine weeks left to finish up our homeschooling year after Easter.  We're taking some time off this week and next...but it hasn't exactly been relaxing.  My son has taken things to a slightly higher level in terms of the intensity of his fears and his persistence lately in wanting to talk about his birth mom and essentially to blame her for all the difficulties he is having now.  I'm trying to be sensitive, but my gut feeling is that she's a safer "target" for him to vent about than I am.

I find myself feeling like I am simultaneously the good guy and the bad guy in his mind.  I am the one who is setting the course for school and home life...so when he doesn't like something, it would really make more sense to blame me.   On the other hand, I'm the one that he's leaning on for comfort....so he's kind of mixed up right now about whether he likes me or not.  He said the other day that he sees me as someone who loves people, and that makes him feel hopeless.  He feels it's sometimes impossible for him to do good things for me and say he loves me...and mean it.  But in the same conversation he also said that he feels good when he can tell me he loves me and do something nice for me....and mean it.  Go figure!

So....we're still just working our way through moment to moment.  My husband has taken him with him this morning so that I can have a break...much needed! 

This week I ran into another new problem when I expected my son to play independently while I did some yard work outside.  He had not wanted to be outside with me, so I had him play in his bedroom.  While I was away from him, he took a broken piece of a building toy that had a bit of a sharp edge, and he scratched his arm with it.  It wasn't bad...but my impression was that if I had not come to check on him when I did, he might have continued to try other ways to make sure that he got my attention.  The sad thing is that he has my attention so much of the time.....

More later... I have to give my older son a haircut!

Liz

Dh has now heard from Cincinnati that they have offered the position to someone else--in this case, it was someone with more research experience.  Greenville is still a possibility...but dh is starting the process over again of looking at other options.

Liz

((( artsymom)))

I can only imagine your frustration!  I know one of my most difficult challenges in life is not knowing the next step. 

I know you are a woman of strong faith, so I'm sure you share the belief that everything happens (or doesn't happen) for a reason, and it's always for the good.  It would be nice if we knew the reason!!!!

Just keep hanging in there and know that whatever God has in His plans for you and your family, it will happen in HIS time, and all you can do is take one day at a time and enjoy the present.

It is very hard sitting in "limbo" when you know there is an upcoming change, but don't know much about it!  Keep the faith and patience -- hopefully this will be resolved soon and you can makes plans.  I am a planner, so for me the waiting is very hard.  My husband moved six months before we did and for the first five months, we still didn't know if the kids and I would be able to move with him or need to wait a couple of years.  Life offers some exciting challenges.  I pray God leads you all to a wonderful new beginning!

Thank you cherylbjn and boxermom.  Something has come up in regard to the next interview that may help in my husband's favor.  Sometimes it's easier to get a foot in the door if you know someone who knows someone.  Well, we've kept in touch with a woman who was once the Superintendent of the NC School for the Blind.  Both my husband and I worked there when we were first dating.  Dr. B. left her position a few years later to move to the School for the Blind in SC, but she's always been very supportive of our family, and she is a woman of great influence....in  a very respectable and intelligent way. 

She not only has a connection or two with people who will be interviewing my husband but she is also someone I would trust implicitly for her opinion of what we could expect of school services in the area.  My husband contacted her to let her know that he'd be interviewing, and she offered to make some calls on his behalf to put in a good word for him.  Likewise, she knows the Superintendent of the Greenville Schools.  I think she could really help us discern whether this would be a good place to settle or not. 

We don't want to move somewhere that isn't already providing similar services for kids.  Admittedly, we're both too worn out from all of this already to take on fighting a system. 

I'm not getting my hopes up over this one any more than the others....just waiting it out to see what happens.  My husband is going to start applying for a couple of positions in Wisconsin too, maybe one in Pennsylvania as well....and still looking for other options until we find the right match.

Just after Easter I'll start working on the last nine weeks of our school year.  I'm needing to let things slide quite a bit with my younger son.  He's not done well with the two weeks we've just taken for "vacation" time, and knowing that he's this stressed out, I really can't expect that he's going to be able to learn until he calms down. 

My plan is to focus my main attention on working with my older son.  He and I have some plans to do a lot in the yard to spruce up our animal habitat potential, and in a few weeks, we're going to do some archeology lessons and replicate a "dig site" in our back yard.  (We'll dig up a spot--and put it to use afterwards for a garden spot.) 

If I can get my younger son hooked into some of this hands-on work in the yard, that would be great, but I also know that he doesn't particularly like to be outside and doesn't like to get his hands dirty.  Something he and I could work on would be to make all sorts of wind catchers and chimes and such.  A few years ago we started a wind garden after reading a book called The Wind Garden by Angela McAllister and Claire Fletcher.  There are all sorts of things that can be made to fly in the wind...and think how pretty our yard will be if we've really spruced it up with decorations, flowers, feeders, and other things to attract wildlife.  This is what Spring is all about, as far as I am concerned!

More than a year ago when my husband had been considering a different job change, we had talked with a couple who work as realty agents and live in our neighborhood.  We had asked them to look at our house and give us some ideas regarding what things we could do to make it more marketable....which things to fix, and which things to leave as they are.  At that time, they had mentioned that they might consider buying the house themselves to fix up and resell.  If that could possibly still be an interest of theirs, my husband and I would be ever so willing to take them up on that.  That would certainly minimize the stress of making repairs, showing the house, waiting for an offer, etc.  We know them well enough that we'd trust them for a fair price.  We won't contact them until we have an offer to consider, but it's something to keep in mind. 

So, we are hanging in there.  It is a wonderful opportunity to put our faith to the test and practice trust that God will lead us to something better....all in His time.  I have no doubt that it'll be worth the wait.

Liz

Hi Liz.  I know this is all so stressful.  Please know that I am thinking of you often, and praying for you and your family.  (((((((((((((())))))))))))))) for all.

Liz,
I'll be saying prayer for you and your family to find the right location for all of you.
Digging in the dirt is theraputic you know. I have the most beautiful flower gardens! When I'm stressed I go plant and take care of my gardens, that's why they are so beautiful. Maybe your youngest son will see what a good time you are having and want to join in?
Take Care,
Traci

Liz,
Still praying but haven't seen you on the boards in a while.
Hope everything is ok.
Let us know when you can.
NW

I've been thinking about you too. Hope everything is okay. We would love to hear from you!!