Regaining Compassion

[trying]

Merry said, "compassion might start with being kind to myself"

I really like that.  I had people tell me that, too, but back then I was so sure that I really was a bad mom to have such angry feelings toward my sons that I thought it was just something they said to be nice.  I thought they didn't really mean it.  Sometimes I got too low, too far into depression to be able to see how hard I was trying.

But you are so right.  We have to treat ourselves with compassion.  Thanks so much for writing that!

[bijou]

I started reading this right after it started but haven't had a moment to really put anything down.  I have felt so much like all of you, from the lack of compassion, to the "I can't stand another moment" with this child.  Totally burnt at some times and still feel that.

dd visited recently and we have done so much for her over the past several years with very little return.  There was no warmth from her towards me during the visit.  My wall went up and I felt terribly rejected, which shows that I haven't healed as much as I would have wanted to believe.

I told dh later that it takes so little to warm my heart, a hug, an "I have missed you", "I love you", "I am so glad to see you"..... none of that happened.

I think I will be better prepared next time, though I can't imagine not having my wall up and my heart pounding.

Bijou
 

[trying]

I'm sorry, bijou. 

It is a dilemma.  If we were people who could not be hurt, we might be as cold as they are.  But since we can be hurt, we are. 

Say more about how you see healing for yourself.  Do you see yourself being able to be loving without feeling hurt?  I would like to be able to do that.  Have you had success with it sometimes?  If you have tips, I'm interested.

[JoycePix]

This is a good topic.
I've had family members and some friends offer up advice that includes "walking away from DD16."
I could never do that - because: Even after all DH and I have been through; I still have compassion for for my daughter.
 Compassion as I understand it is: "pity, inclining one to be merciful."

I'm shunned by most of my neighbors; and some family members.
Some people I once regarded as "friends" no longer associate with me - because they believe DD16's "untrue stories" about her abusive parents.

But, I still have compassion for DD16; and I still retain the hope that she will want to come home to live with us one day.

Sparrow, I'm glad that you talked with the therapist - and are coming to an understanding of where the "hate" you feel generates from. 
At times, parents often feel misplaced guilt - when we deal with our RAD children.  You are not alone, with these feelings.
You have posted that you left your young daughter with her biological father - who you knew was abusive --even to you.  That was a "mistake" that can not be undone - and you can only move forward and help your little girl heal in positive ways.  No one here will judge you for "mistakes" - we have all made mistakes.
I hope you can honestly stop seeing "the hated bioglogical father" in your daughter. 

I think what posters mean about your daughter having more of a chance to "heal because she's so young" - is simply that she was damaged, abused and hurt a shorter period of time than most of our RAD children.  For example:  my daughter was in an abusive, neglectful Romanian orphanage for the first 7 years of her life.

We are all here to help each other, and to lean on each other.
I'm so glad I found this group; who have offered me invaluable advice and support.
Joyce 

[MaKettle]

sparrow,

"if she is younger, that just makes it all the more difficult to break the cycle because there is no way to talk to her, reason with her, or even bring on meanigful information or consequences to her."

Sigh...
I feel the same way about my RadDD13.  Emotionally she is sooo much younger & there is no logic.  She doesn't learn by example, doesn't learn from her mistakes, won't listen to us (her parents), doesn't learn from peer pressure....  She'd rather be right than happy.

Because Tori is younger, she hasn't gotten to the stage yet where all of the unused brain connections are being pruned, bad habits aren't as ingrained as they are with older kids & maybe she didn't have as many broken attachments.  Our DD was removed from her birth home at age 7 & went thru 5 foster homes in 2 years, before coming home to us.  She has asked us why nobody else wanted her.   

But, you have such a long road ahead of you, it can feel so overwhelming.  Try to take it one week, one day or one hour at a time.

[bijou]

trying,

I don't think I could ever get to the point of being able to love with no hurt ever.  I just think that is part of life with these kids.  I had some expectations going in to this visit and next time around, I will lower my expectations to.... well, as low or non existent as I can.  I am not sure we ever get to the point of having no expectations in our relationships.  If anyone here has, let me know how to do this, because I still have some expectations or some thought that there could be something reciprocal at some point, that maybe next time we will get through to dd, that next time something we do or say will touch her heart.

I have had some success with loving and no response.  Oh, I should add that dd is grown and doesn't live near us.  Sometimes I can send things on to her, just hoping to make her day.  I am not dealing with the hateful, never good enough response anymore, the day in and day out stuff.  But I am also dealing with no response at all.  It is easier when they aren't in your face.

I think my daughter hurts, but she hurts for her.  I hurt, but I hurt for me, for our whole family, that we aren't what I had dreamed for.  We are a house divided.  I hurt for all the splintered relationships that have come from dd's choices and how that has affected family gatherings and day to day living.  Still hoping that healing will take place some day....


Bijou

[blessingsindisguise]

Hello all.

Have not been able to keep up with this place, and now made some time, and I am stunned by the first thread that I chose to read.

this is exactly where I am right now with my ds.

I am so MAD at him I can barely speak to him when he calls me every day.

I am on vacation, and every time I turn around there is another reminder that he is not with me and my heart wrenches in pain again.

And I have been struggling and tonight reading this I realized that it was my lack of compassion for him.

This thread is exactly what I needed to help sort through some of this.

Thank you all.

blessings

p.s. I found this quote yesterday amongst my grandmothers things when I was sorting.  It has made me think a lot today.

While action is not without cost, the costs of inaction are greater.

I have been pondering the costs I have paid by parenting my radishes, and they have been huge.  But then I contemplate what would have happened if I had chosen inaction.  And I shudder.

For my radishes and for every other radish that has a parent on this board.

Because you see, our actions have given each and every single one of our children a better chance than if they had never met us.  I absolutely believe that.

They have advocates, boundaries, hope and love.  All because of us.

What they choose to do with that is beyond us, but it is the gift that we give them none the less.

I agree with my therapist, we are heroes.

[Geertje]

While action is not without cost, the costs of inaction are greater.

I have been pondering the costs I have paid by parenting my radishes, and they have been huge.  But then I contemplate what would have happened if I had chosen inaction.  And I shudder.

For my radishes and for every other radish that has a parent on this board.

Because you see, our actions have given each and every single one of our children a better chance than if they had never met us.  I absolutely believe that.

They have advocates, boundaries, hope and love.  All because of us.

What they choose to do with that is beyond us, but it is the gift that we give them none the less.

I agree with my therapist, we are heroes.
[/quote]

I agree with you Blessings.
If we hadn't put all of our efforts in raising ds with all the RAD-things (at that time we didn't knew, but realized that something was terrible wrong) he would have ended much worse then were he is now.

[bijou]

You are all so right.  Our children are in a better place for us being a part of their lives.  They may not be able to say that and yet still know it deep down inside.

Be kind to ourselves....

Bijou

[justine]

Bijou, i think that you are so right when you say that it takes so little to warm our hearts towards our Rads.   If they only got that.   I also would have my heart pounding and my walls up and ready should my dd24, gone 6 years now, return in my life.....

Maybe its just semantics but i dont think that we hurt because our expectations are not met, but because our Hope goes unfulfilled.    I can have zero expectations....but i know that if dd was finally coming for a visit, it would take powerful sedatives to keep me from "hoping".....whether i truly expected anything or not.

And yes, it would hurt, as you were when dd gave you nothing.

And as another mom of a bright, p/a raddish, i will say that it is with full intention of hurting, that "nothingness"...and that IS what hurts.    Our raddishes know how to give, when they want to. 

My ds with fae hurts without planning, without plotting and without caring one way or the other.   My ddrad would be disappointed if i didnt react to her coldness.

But of course, when all is said (and we have said ALOT havent we..?) .....our kids are given blessings because we cared.   And they will be blessed if they choose to, because we cared.

[h8edmom]

  Compassion???  YES as the judge put it, David did start out with a horrible tragic beginning but there comes a point when you realize that is over and you must move on.  David had been home 13+ years when he decided to molest our seven year old daughter.  He was removed and continues to act out after having been arrested.  I guess I had compassion by finding an RTC and having him moved there.  I guess I had compassion not to reach across the table and choke him as he confessed in a non chalant manor of the atrocities our Dd7 had to endure. 

He told his therapist "My mom didn't treat me as she did my siblings" BS  That was why he molested her. Our lives revolved around HIM and his raddiness!  We lost family and friends, I have had to go PT on a job because he couldn't maintain in a daycare (5 before he was 6 and he came home at 4.5 years)!  Compassion you ask, I am all worn out of compassion.  I am not even sure about love any more, how does love look without trust? 

Sorry for the rant.   

[Geertje]

Compassion is not sentiment but is making justice and doing works of mercy. Compassion is not a moral commandment but a flow and overflow of the fullest human and divine energies. --Matthew Fox


Etymology:
    Middle English, from Anglo-French or Late Latin; Anglo-French, from Late Latin compassion-, compassio, from compati to sympathize, from Latin com- + pati to bear, suffer — more at patient
Date:
    14th century

: sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it.
Merriam Webster Online Dictionary

Compassion is the desire to ease others' suffering.
unknow

[justine]

H8ed mom....you asked "what does love look like without trust?   I guess i would say, if you have no trust, but you love anyway...THAT is compassion too.     I love my ds20.....dont like him alot of the time, dont "need" him to fill any void in my life, have had to distance myself ALOT from his life or he latches on like a leech.....but only when he is in trouble.

But my heart goes out to him.  He is a messed up kid.   If he had done what your ds did to your dd, i dont know how i would feel.  But i have a good idea how i would feel.   ((((((H8edmom))))

[blessingsindisguise]

What a timely day for this thread to come forward.

I am struggling so much with this right now.

Geertje, thanks for the post.

H8Mum, hugs to you.

Your pain is beyond comprehension.  I fear anything that I could say would be trite.  Thank you for sharing your feelings.

blessings

[traci]

(((H8edmom)))
It's totally normal to not have compassion for ds,forgiveness would be very difficult too. Forgiveness is more for us than other person, so that we can go on with our lives. It would take me a long time to forgive your ds's actions.
I'm sorry you and your family had to go through this.
May God heal your hearts and minds!
traci