our friend Blessings

[Geertje]

Blessing, I pray for you and your family, it's difficult when they make the wrong choice.
I find that the hardest part, that they don't show remorse, you can't reach them then.


Justine, I will pray for you too, and go ahead with venting, it's awfull to just have to wait for something you know that wil happen, but I also know that God can interfere and do miracles

[justine]

Blessings, again apologies for gloaming on to your post.   Always wanted to use that word...     Your role is probably a long wait and see one.   I have more than once marveled at the normalicy of my life considering that at any minute the phone can ring bringing heart pounding news.

If you think about it, if we are LIVING that is a possiblity for us all.    We are just more acutely aware of it here in radland.   The trick is to "settle in" to a life of leaving all those dire possibilities at the periphery of our lives, not at the center.   When i think of them, i pray.   I remind the Lord, as if He needs it, that this is His load.   And so, really, i am reminding myself....

I cannot live in worry and fear and stress.    It really does get better in that way, i promise.   Your work is to find that place of every day living that can be sustained over the long term and that is as peaceful as possible.    Despite my scary evening, i do not live in that worry/fear every day.   I'd be dead by now if i did!   

[blessingsindisguise]

Thanks for the posts Geertje and Justine.

I am just amazed at how much of my time my son still dominates of my time, even though he hasn't lived under my roof since April.

Even though he isn't living at home, he is still dominating my time and energy.

I have to work on figuring out how to push him to the periphery.

It's just so hard.

blessings

[RADishMOM]

Thanks for the posts Geertje and Justine.

I am just amazed at how much of my time my son still dominates of my time, even though he hasn't lived under my roof since April.

Even though he isn't living at home, he is still dominating my time and energy.

I have to work on figuring out how to push him to the periphery.

It's just so hard.

blessings

Blessings,
Well said. That is exactly what I am trying to figure out as well.
JL

[blessingsindisguise]

JL,

that's the hard part isn't it?

figuring out how to actually do this.

I know logically what I have to do, but actually figuring out how to do that is really hard.

blessings

[justine]

I know this may verge on psycho-babble but i really believe in these things...

Giving oneself time and permission to grieve.  You do that by NOT chastizing yourself when you have angry or upsetting emotions pop up thru out the day, but by saying some version of, "yep, its bad/sad whatever...it just is."   Be your most patient friend.   Trying to shove away your bad feelings only makes you at war with yourself.   Linda always tells us to tell our kids that they are safe.   I agree.   I also think we need to tell OURSELVES, as i used to do 50 x a day, "you are doing fine.  you are okay.  it will get better. You are a good mom."   

Talk to others.   Sometimes talking to people you are not close to is good practice for observing your situation from a distance from the emotional stuff.    At work, i can even joke with a few co-workers about my home-based psych ward.   They see me laugh and they laugh with me.   Sometimes it is too intense, and i need to only talk to those who will be a comfort and really get it.

On the other hand, when the close people are scarce or non-existent, i am amazed at how i can still feel better after giving some emotionally-watered down version of ds's latest crapola.    Perhaps it is just the emotional release of not keeping secrets....

When things are bad, i vary in my reactions.....from totally losing it, to feeling just numb, to lots in between.   The "trick" is not staying in that place.   When ds was first jailed last June, i had chest pains almost hourly for 3 weeks.   I went to sleep and woke up with ds on my mind.   I grieved, panicked, felt anger etc.

When i started to feel better, i did NOT let myself feel guilty.   Yes, i knew he was in jail every day while i was out enjoying my life.   Life is complicated in Radland.   I was not in jail, and wasnt going to sit in some pointless emotional jail to somehow "support" my son.    It doesnt work that way.   

I read years ago that children of alcholics (as i was) usually grow up with a nifty tool called "compartmentalizing".    I can tell you that it is indeed a gift.    The body lives better when cancer cells are "encapsulated" or compartmentalized because they are walled off from the healthy tissues.

See the analogy?    Now, i do not know how to tell you HOW to compartmentalize your pain, as i just grew up with lots of experiences that required i figure it out, or ruin my life.    Maybe a therapist has some ideas.  Of course, maybe a therapist will say that my "nifty tool" is a sick crutch, LOL!   

[markie]

you all are the best.

tonight my mum went to bed early and I decided to come hang out here.

I so much need this place.

Right now with everything going on, I decided that a little less sleep would more than be balanced out by a sanity check.

I'll try to check in over the next couple of days.  Mum leaves on Friday.  She is lovely but doesn't understand how 'strangers' can help me so much.

Thanks all for the lovely thoughts and prayers.

They are treasured.

blessings

All you have to tell 'mum' is that these strangers are the people who pour their lives out to you about their kids, and how much your  words of "cheer" help them!  (reverse it, and make her think that YOU help US more then we help you!) 

(sounds back-a$$wards, I know, but it will work with MOST "normal" people too...

just remember it's OUR families that are A$$backwards...

markie

[blessingsindisguise]

thanks all, you are the best.

I have been so overwhelmed.

I realized today that I have been trying to figure out how to deal with the elephant in my living room.  I am really really really tired of the elephant in my living room.

It struck me that I live in a big house, and that I can go find another room, more to my liking.

Yep, the elephant is still there, but currently, I am not dealing with it.

I feel like I have discovered another section of radland.  The rollercoaster is always going to be there, and I can go jump back on whenever I want to if I want to check up on my son, but currently, I'd rather be on the ferris wheel in radland.

Would really really really like a weekend pass away from radland, but that isn't likely, so it will be what it is.

Working really hard on compartmentalizing....

On another tangent, finally got bold and talked to my mum about all of you, and she still doesn't quite understand, but she does know that I need someone to talk to and she does realize that nothing in her experience has ever prepared her for this either.

So, that's good.

Thanks all, like I keep saying, you are the best.

blessings