Grief and Loss

[NWMom]

Does anyone have any quick resources for giref and loss stages. I recognize I am in anger right now, but would like to know what else is down the road.
NW

[Truebluemom]

NWMom - I googled grief stages and found several good resources.  Wikipedia had a good write up.  The main thing I remember is it can be rather back and forth, in and out and not the same for everyone. 

[Geertje]

Those stages tend to go back and forth and sometimes all together it takes time.
It feels like a rollercoaster at times.
Good luck and wisdom

[blessingsindisguise]

NWMom,

here is a great article that includes the stages.

blessings

We've all experienced grief. We've all felt those intense rolling waves of emotion. But, do we all experience the same feelings each time we lose a loved one?
What Are The Stages of Grief?
Many people have tried to explain what grief is; some have even identified certain stages of grief.

Probably the most well-known of these might be from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' book, "On Death and Dying." In it, she identified five stages that a dying patient experiences when informed of their terminal prognosis.

The stages Kubler-Ross identified are:

Denial (this isn't happening to me!)

Anger (why is this happening to me?)

Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)

Depression (I don't care anymore)

Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
Many people believe that these stages of grief are also experienced by others when they have lost a loved one.

Personally, I think of these definitions as emotional behaviors rather than stages, per se. I believe we may certainly experience some of these behaviors. But, I believe just as strongly, that there is no script for grief; that we cannot expect to feel any of our emotions in a particular set pattern. I do agree that acceptance is probably the last emotion felt, and in some instances it may be the only one.

A lesser known definition of the stages of grief is described by Dr. Roberta Temes in the book, "Living With An Empty Chair - a guide through grief." Temes describes three particular types of behavior exhibited by those suffering from grief and loss. They are:

Numbness (mechanical functioning and social insulation)

Disorganization (intensely painful feelings of loss)

Reorganization (re-entry into a more 'normal' social life.)
I am better able to relate to this definition as it seems to more accurately reflect the types of behavior I have experienced and observed. Within these types of behavior might well be most of the feelings described in Kubler-Ross' writings as well.

Which List Is Right?
In my opinion, both of these lists, and many others that we've all seen, are all descriptive of some of the emotions and functions we go through when we lose a loved one.

I believe that grief, like so many other things in our complex lives, can't be reduced to a neat list with absolute definitions, timelines, strategies, goals, and completion dates. Would that it were so easy

Grief is as individual as those of us who feel it, and as varied as the circumstances of death which occur.

Will I Go Through Every Stage?
If a 98-year old grandfather died in his sleep I think there would be different stages of grief and loss experienced than if a two-year old child were run over by a car and killed.

If a person has had a long life, death is somewhat expected as the natural scheme of things. There will be emotions of grief and loss but they might be more for what we will miss.

If a young life is cut short unexpectedly, there may well be feelings of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and in some cases acceptance.

Just as we have different emotional reactions to anything that happens in our lives, so too, will we experience grief and loss in different ways. I think the important thing to remember is that there is a wide range of emotions that may be experienced; to expect to feel some of them and to know that we cannot completely control the process.

When Will I Be Through Grieving?
Grieving used to be much more ritualistic than it is today. In generations past there were set periods of time when certain customs must be observed:

Widows wore all black clothing for one year and drab colors forever after.

Mourners could not attend social gatherings for months.

Laughter and gaiety were discouraged for weeks or months.
Today we are unfettered by these restrictions and might even be confused about when we should be done grieving.

Actually, we'll probably never be done.

We'll never forget the person we grieve for. Our feelings may be tempered more with good memories than sadness as time passes, but that isn't to say that waves of raw emotion won't overcome us way after we thing we should be done.

I think the trick here is to understand that the feelings will occur, try to keep them in perspective, try to understand why you feel a certain way, and if there are any unresolved issues that cause particular emotional pain, forgive yourself and others and if necessary talk with someone about it.

There is no completion date to grieving...let your emotions flow through the stages of grief.

[blessingsindisguise]

oops, forgot the source link.

http://www.cancersurvivors.org/Coping/end%20term/stages.htm

[blessingsindisguise]

http://www.businessballs.com/elisabeth_kubler_ross_five_stages_of_grief.htm

another good link.

blessings

[NWMom]

thanks for posting the lists it helped.
NW

[momof5]

I much prefer the term "chronic Sorrow" a term coined many years ago by Simon Olshansky who studied parents of children with down syndrome and then later others have used the term (just google chronic sorrow) to help understand the grief parents feel when dealing with any chronic disability. The idea here is that it never really goes away and that is our normal. That certain life events that our children may not celebrate that "normals" do re trigger that chronic sorrow. I believe that to be the case and certainly see it on this board when our kids don't get to celebrate graduations or don't allow us as parents to share the joy. Or when our kids get excluded or their behavior is such that we can't experience the usual parenting joys. The idea behind this is that it is not a linear progression through stages of grief but more up and down throughout the life span.

[justine]

I can so relate to that Momof5.   For those of us with adult or barely adult unhealed rads, it is the loss of a child who is alive and "well."   It is grieving a death when there is no "body" to put to rest.   Good days and bad.  Ups and downs.   But yes, chronic is the sorrow....

[blessingsindisguise]

momof5,

chronic sorrow.

that captures it exactly.

thank you so much.

blessings

[Don M]

Hi momof5;
   I like this term, it fits better than most of the others we've been using for this long term aspect of parenting.  There are still some of the other effects such as PTSD from major events and grief over the loss of our initial dreams, but this helps a lot with the later years as we continue to fight some of the same and some new battles over and over and over.

   Would you please add this with a reference link to the Multiple Diagnosis section?

[Truebluemom]

Chronic sorrow - great term.  Makes a lot of sense.

[tnrthoma]

"Chronic Sorrow"- a definite keeper.

Do feel that , from time to time- especially on Birthdays, adoption Day, Holidays- small triggers. Seeing a baseball or football game- certain smells- walking into child's room , seeing a physical resemblance to our almost man child, yes, grieving for the "if only" or the missed oppurtunities they have missed. I do remember that they don't feel much of anything on "special days" maybe that is due to when their abuse happened or there was too much love "in the air"?

For whatever reason, our son never cared. It helps us to grieve less knowing 100% that he just doesn't view those days as important. The days that are important to him are the ones he percieves as important to him ONLY.

O.K.- I will stop now!

[momof3]

Chronic sorrow sounds like an apt description.  It is what I am feeling today.  I used to have a happy home, but now there is only chronic sorrow.  There is very little laughter but lots of tears.  There is hardly any joy.  Somedays I feel as though we are living in Mudville.   DD had a fit because I asked her to carry 2 Hershey pies from Burger King into the house.  She had already eaten hers.  Sometimes I feel like I don't care if I never buy her another special treat when we are out.  She can wait until she gets home, or she can start packing herself a peanut butter sandwich.  Geesh . . . . 

Thanks for letting me vent.

[blessingsindisguise]

vent away.

share your burdens.

drop them for a while.  they will be there to pick up on your way out.

we are here for you.

so that there is one less walking shell (my current description of me) on the road.

chronic sorrow.

so much loss.

so hard to find hope.

so glad you trust us/me with your sorrows/frustrations.

be strengthened.

blessings