He Loves Me

[Truebluemom]

I just finished reading a book by Wayne Jacobsen called, He Loves Me.  It addressed some questions I had about my relationship with God and even deeper, my frustrations and disappointments.  It's left me feeling reflective and challenged.  I will say that I started this book some months ago and couldn't get into it.  I came across it again a few days ago and decided to get back into it about half way in.  It immediately started speaking to me.  Guess I wasn't there earlier.  

This book deals with our tendency to try and "get it right" in order to feel worthy of a relationship with God.  Jacobson says, "Righteousness doesn't produce relationship.  Relationship produces righteousness."  Even more important was the idea that when we try to "fix" ourselves to have a relationship with God, all of our dealings with others centers around that premise as well.  Therefore, when someone comes to us in pain, we begin to try and tell them how to change to make things better.  We know how much fun that is to hear!  God uses pain and failure in our lives to bring us to a place of compassion and love for others so that rather than fixing them, we learn to love them and leave the "fixing" to God.

One of the biggest "aha's" for me was the prayer God always answers.  Jacobson says we can summarize our prayers by placing them into one of two camps.  "Save me" or "God be glorified".  Jesus embraced his pain so that God would be glorified and his purposes carried out.  Jacobson contends that when our prayer is coming from a place of being rescued from pain we may miss what God wants to do in us.  I don't think this is saying we can't ask for help or relief, because in the garden Jesus asked that this cup be removed from him, nevertheless he wanted God's will not his.

I could really relate to this as there are some issues I've struggled with over the years (rad and it's devastation being a big one).  I've felt that God failed me and tried in vain to keep resentment at bay.  When I read this, I realized that I could ask God to be glorified in everything I've gone through and it would be up to Him to make it happen.  I'm still struggling a bit, after all I've nursed the pain and resentment for years.  I decided to tell God I want him glorified more than I want to be saved.  My feelings will have to catch up - hope they do.  Pretty sure this is just the start of a lifelong repetition of that prayer.  Still, this concept was like shining a light in a very dark, frustrating place for me.

Throwing in one more thing here, as sometimes it seems like God prepares our hearts to hear him.  I just finished reading a really good Christian fantasy series.  I'm not locked into Christian reading, so when I say good, I mean some very good quality writing.  It was called the "Light of Eidon" series and dealt with some of the same concepts.  It was fairly dark as there were some terrible things that happened throughout the books. The theme seemed to be that God uses our suffering to draw us closer into relationship with him and mold us into who he desires we become.  Both books dealt with the idea that all of our working to be righteous in order to know God is way off track.

Well friends, hope one of these books will interest some of you.  I'm hoping I can hang on to the concepts and move along in my journey toward a closer relationship with God. I'm tired of being mad.  

[Kathleenb]

Not only am I happy you're finding some healing and purpose - what a beautiful post!

  Can I share this as "Guest Post by Anonymous" on my blog? I think this will resonate with a lot of RAD parents.

Thanks for sharing. I will have to look this up and put it on my "to read" list.

"Righteousness doesn't produce relationship.  Relationship produces righteousness."

I love this - isn't this the essence of Beyond Consequences, too?

[Jeannie]

True, thanks for sharing your journey and thoughts.  I haven't heard of either of the books you mentioned, but they sound like good reading!

Sometimes I think about how God looks at THIS - this place where we are able to pour out our hearts to others, tell about what is working or not, encourage each other, pray for each other....  And you know what I think?  I think He IS glorified.  Even in the working through of our pain and questioning and doubts.  I think that God is glorified right here.

Keep us posted as you process these things, okay?  It truly is helpful (at least to me!)

[Truebluemom]

Thanks for your responses.  I appreciate having this place where I can be real about my struggles.  Even so, I feel a bit vulnerable laying out there my most real feelings about this stuff.  I'm sure, however, I'm not the only one feeling this way and so count on you all getting what I'm saying.

I agree Jeannie that this forum is a place where God is working.  I've received so much healing by coming here.

Kathleen, I'm honored that you want to share this on your blog.  Please feel free to use it.

[neitlingme]

I appreciate having this place where I can be real about my struggles.  Even so, I feel a bit vulnerable laying out there my most real feelings about this stuff.  I'm sure, however, I'm not the only one feeling this way and so count on you all getting what I'm saying.

You are SO right.  It was terrifying for me to post about my mother/brother.  I've always had to worry about what "normal" people think of me.  It is SO nice to have people who don't judge and realize my struggles too.  It is that scary word we are trying to get our kids to recognize--vulnerability.  Yep, even we have trouble with it!

[justine]

Thank you TB...  I have had the same struggles.  Sometimes I think I am over it, but really I think i've just pushed those feelings down.   Thanks so much for your honesty and openness.   

[Truebluemom]

Thanks Neitling and Justine.  Neitling, by sharing your story you have pole vaulted in my estimation.  I can't imagine what you must have gone through as a child and still manage to function capably as an adult.  Not talking perfection!     Your willingness to be vulnerable and risk rejection is probably what most separates you from our kids with rad.

Justine, I  you back.  I know what you mean about pushing it down.  It's that trying to get it right thing biting me in the butt.  Unfortunately, ignoring the feelings doesn't make them go away.  I've been asking God lately to help me get past the anger.  It all seems to be part of a journey without shortcuts. 

[neitlingme]

True--

Thanks for that.  But I never knew anything else.  It was the life I was given.  I just did the best I could with it. 

It's still scary to share though! 

[blessingsindisguise]

True,

It all seems to be part of a journey without shortcuts.

That's it exactly.

And not just any journey, a journey through chaos.  Which for me, one that likes consistency, and no drama, it's a journey that is very foreign to me.

blessings

[Truebluemom]

blessings - Consistency and no drama.  Sign me up.  I'd rather try to figure out how to deal with the boredom!   

[mcguillicudy]

TB- what a beautiful and honest post.  I am very eager to check out the "Light of Eidon" series- thanks for posting about it.

I can relate to when you said you thought that God had failed you- been there.  We prayed so hard about adoption and thought that God was answering our prayers when dd came into our lives.  A couple months later, I totally felt like he failed me and I too, was always mad and tired of it.  But then I realized that God does everything for a reason.  Sometimes we don't learn until much later what that reason is.  I've prayed so many times to him about his purpose for dd coming into our lives.  Now, over a year after she is gone, I'm starting to get that maybe it was to bring my family closer together.

My husband's grandma used to always tell me "God never gives you more than you can handle"- I laughed so hard one time that I cried during the last dark days dd was with us.  I thought, "Boy God, you must think a lot of me to give me this one!"  I'm sure you all can relate!

Hang in there TB!  Your faith will get you through this.

[Truebluemom]

Mcgillicudy -  If you read the series let me know what you think.  Hoping you enjoy it as much as I did.  I love fantasy and historical fiction.  

I think part of the struggle with God is accepting that it is OK for Him to have allowed pain and disappointment in my life in ways that mean some of my hopes and dreams are unfulfilled.  Temporary struggles - OK.  Profound, life changing ones - not so much.  It's a clash of wills between me and God.  I lose!  Life isn't going to change because I don't like it.  Whether God did it or "allowed" it is a moot point.  It is what it is.  He offers to redeem it.  I may never know why, but I can choose to trust that he will do it.  It's hard letting go of being mad over the disappointments.  He's kind of my fall guy when things go wrong because I know he could fix it.  I can fight him on this or choose to accept life as it is and ask him to do something good with it - to be glorified.  

It seems like my faith, and lack thereof, is kind of like onion layers.  About the time I think I have something figured out another layer gets peeled off and I get to start the process all over again.  The thing I do like about this is that I am hopefully getting closer to a bottom line, more real relationship with every layer.  

 

[anne]

Amen and amen. I wonder with me, if it's also for me just having to say, "yes," to Him.  A preacher said earlier today that he has heard God ask so many times at crossroads in his life to, 'follow Him' and each time he said, 'yes.'  Got me to thinking.  I used to wonder why I was constantly being brought back to that place of having to say, 'yes' to God, thinking that maybe my 'yes' in the first place wasn't so real.  I've since realized that this isn't the case, my lack of faith (though it waivers quite often).  God is loving, but also polite.  He brings us to the edge of the new opportunities and asks, "Follow me."  He waits for us to respond.  Maybe that's the onion skin layer being peeled off, because for me, it's just so hard sometimes to say, "yes."  Why? What I can see of the, "Follow me," doesn't look so very good, though I KNOW that He is trustworthy and what I see is only a small patch of a whole plan.  As I get older, the sense of adventure is fading and I'm just wanting things to be consistent - or at least where I put them when I put them down!  But being the loving Father He is, He won't push, only gently with a promise asks, "Follow me."  I think that is what I'm mourning in my walk with Him right now.  I've somehow lost that sense of adventure with Him.  I'm one of the disciples clinging to that boat in the storm just wanting the waves to stop, instead of boldly going out on the water to meet Him.  Slowly, I'm learning to stop clinging to a boat that would go down and not support me, and to just step out on the waves, come what may.  I've been met with pain, fear, disappointment in the past.  I don't want those again.  They hurt too much, but maybe, letting go of that protection is the key to being free once again.  Then again, maybe I'm learning this path, because I need to know/understand what our children really are feeling so I'll stop fighting Him, just get out of His way, and to follow Him.  Sorry if I highjacked.  Just really got me thinking.  Thank you!
 
anne

[Truebluemom]

No way is this a hijack, Anne.  I appreciate your thoughts.  It's wonderful to share ideas with others.  These things transcend rad and age and location, yet they are key to each of us (me at least) in having a foundation on which to built an approach to life.  This is why my quote on my page has to do with learning to dance in the rain.  The rain is inevitable, I want to learn to enjoy my life in spite of it.