Prayers requested

[Truebluemom]

Neitling - Sorry this is dragging itself out so long.  Sounds like you are moving toward a workable solution.  Hope your family will listen!   

[clbmom]

House counsel at a hospital?  s

I have my own firm, so am technically outside counsel, but I have an office at the hospital and wear a hospital badge when I'm onsite (4-5 days/week) to keep JCAHO folks happy so am treated as if I'm in-house.  I was a corporate/securities/finance atty on Wall St (no Gordon Gecko, I promise!), then GC for an educational nonprofit that eventually led to my current arrangement.  I don't typically get involved in many patient care issues - other than areas in which I have some personal/family interest.  No med mal:  BTDT.  Mostly nonprofit/tax issues, contracts, physician comp, JV's... occasional EMTALA, guardianship, end-of-life, & billing issues... a wide mix.

@Neitling: Blessings and others with more direct patient care experience may be more helpful than me, but you're welcome to contact me - even if it's just to vent.  You already know firsthand how difficult being a long-term caretaker can be.  And sometimes family care is really hard on the patient too b/c they feel guilty for imposing, etc.

If there's any way to get MIL into that rehab center.... You already have a very full plate with your beautiful boys and DN!

Hang in there!!!

[neitlingme]

The plot thickens.

Now it looks as if DH will be forced to be MIL's POA.  All the other siblings (even those only a mile or two away) are refusing to do it.

Although there are definitely benefits to being the POA, it's going to be really difficult with DH's job being that of a trucker.  He's not HERE that often, much less could he be 2 hours away from here very often!  Trying to get the man something as small as a dentist appointment is oftentimes a circus fiasco.  I can't see how it would be possible for him to be oncall 24/7.  I could be back up....but he doesn't really want me to be.  I'm suggesting the brother that WAS POA until this week, stay on as backup (and help DH get adjusted)  I think he might agree to that.

Other than that MIL is getting weaned off IV nitro and taking it orally (as soon as she stops feeling nauseated.  She has been out of bed and in a chair.  She's off the vent.  She's pretty sore (to be expected) but not quite back to realizing what is going on...all the way.

Keep the prayers coming.  They really help!!!

(((hugs to group)))

[Truebluemom]

   Sounds like a typical adventure story.  Boy meets girl.  Oops, wrong story.     Damsel in distress, impossible situation, knight in shining armor rides up to save the day.  Go dh!

[clbmom]

Now it looks as if DH will be forced to be MIL's POA. 

Are you talking about a healthcare POA, or a durable POA (it include other matters)?  In either case, given the crazy family dynamics you've described, maybe DH should run for the hills instead! 

I remember your DH describing his OTR schedule; IMHO, it doesn't make any sense to name a healthcare representative (or an attorney-in-fact if you're talking about a general POA) who spends such a high % of his time out-of-state at a time when MIL is most likely to need her representative to be available.  (Healthcare reps and attys-in-fact do not have to be family members; MIL may want to consider someone neutral/outside the family so as to limit further family drama.)

And who's forcing anyone to do anything?  If MIL can communicate and is competent enough to sign any POA then she should also be able to make other choices herself; if she cannot communicate or lacks capacity (i.e., "doesn't quite know what's going on ... all the way"), then she cannot grant anyone POA until she regains capacity anyway.  (Sounds like you may need the court to appoint a guardian if DH's bro/the atty-in-fact under the current POA is unwilling/unable to serve.)

I am a "helper" so I'd probably be the last to take my own advice, but remember "no" is an option.

DH & you hang in there together!!!

[shelly75]

Im sorry you have to deal with that stuff in a time like this ((Hugs))

[neitlingme]

Thanks Clb...

I said forced not in the truest sense, but rather in the sense that all other family members are refusing and mom is begging either DH or my BIL that relinquished to do it.  It's the empathy bordering on guilt that is eating him I think.

The hospital has assured DH that he can handle the majority over the phone.  For more than that we are going up again this weekend.

It will put a strain on things, but she is his mom.  We talked to BIL and did hammer out that they would keep the durable POA if we did the medical.  So at least it's being split.  After more discussion with this BIL it's his health that is causing him to relinquish...he already has a bad ticker too.  It's too much of a toll on him especially because he lives 7 hours away.  Much of this we didn't know as DH and this BIL are just rekindling their own relationship.

We also discussed a guardian amongst ourselves.  That may be where we go after this "crisis" is over.  Thinking about it, that relieves so much of the burden, as it isn't a family member making decisions.  But right now we just have to get mom through all this and get her settled in rehab or somewhere else that is safe.

I'm trying to stay out of it, other than keeping DH's level of stress as low as possible.  Afterall, it's DH's family...and I'm just kind of along for the ride...He's going on his second week of quitting smoking too...so I'm trying to be as supportive as possible.  Seems the deck is stacked against him sometimes.

Beside all this?  DN is terrified when we go up there that we will run into DH's sister.  (she's DN's former placement where all the CSC charges came from).  Ugh.  When it rains...

[clbmom]

Oh gosh, I didn't realize you were dealing with DN's former placement.  This must be sooo complicated and stressful.  I can only imagine how anxious DN must feel.  I know she gives you a hard time, but she seems like she has a lot of potential.   Hope the added anxiety doesn't lead her to act out too terribly....

[justine]

Hope the weekend goes better than expected.   BTW, is it THIS weekend (today)?    Take care you two!

[neitlingme]

It is, Justine.

We are heading up there today after church.  And at church I'm going to pray so hard I shatter the stained glass! 

I'm really not looking forward to it.  It feels really strange staying at MIL's house when she's not there.  And I do understand how much it stresses DH and DN.  While eating at a local restaurant, we ran into the mother of the child [SIL's (DNs former placement) DIL--it's all so twisted] that accused DN of the CSC stuff.  This woman at first portrayed to DN as if she was a "sister".  Ugh.  Upon seeing her, DN trembled like a leaf and was noticably nervous.  DH and I took it as an opportuntity to solidify our place with her...reminding her she had NOTHING to fear from this woman as we were there.  Being there, we were her PARENTS and would protect her from ANYTHING this woman might try.  I'm pretty sure there were bloodstains on her back (from my glares) when she left. I don't know if it actually made DN feel better, but we put it out there so she'd know...and be able to reflect on our protection of her later.   That night DN couldn't sleep and curled up on the bed she was in crying that she was "afraid" just like a 5yo would do.  She was sobbing. 

The part that makes me feel guilt/bad is that I can't be warm an cuddly to her when this kind of upset happens.  I'm reserved.  I do sit with her and talk...make her realize nothing is happening now.  I "talk"her through calming herself down.  I don't do it for her.  (If it were one of my SWP's I'd scoop them up in a giant bear hug and hold them until the tears went away.)  I just "can't" do that with DN.  Warm and cuddly just isn't there.  But, I try to bring her up closer to where the emotions of a 16yo should be, rather than allow her to just "stay" at the 5yo place.  I empathize and then remind her that at her age some of the  consoling should come from inside herself.  Am I doing this right???

But, back to MIL's...I'm thinking my role will be in looking at the house (plants) yard and such and trying to make sure things are watered and cared for.  I don't think anyone has mowed the yard yet, so I'll do that too.  It should keep me busy while DH does the hard stuff. 

[Truebluemom]

Good luck this weekend Neitling.  Way to go being there for dn.  I do get the cuddling.  I get shivers on your behalf in thinking about trying to cuddle with someone who pushes you away unless it's on their terms.  Creeps me out!

[blessingsindisguise]

clbmom,

I sure hope we get to meet some day.  I have many friends that are attorneys, and the myriad of different jobs is fascinating.  Though my best friend right now is working for a firm and wading through the mortgage foreclosure mess day after day, and there is a level of grimness about that, that I cannot explain.  If I ever went to law school, it would be to become lawyer to RAD parents!  Don't even think such a thing exists.  And I know that practicing in multiple states is near impossible.  But it sure would be fun to swoop in with parents when they have to go to meetings with CRI'd professionals and at least be comfort to the parents that their rights aren't going to be trampled on.  Oh well, a gal can dream!  Anyway, you are an interesting person!

neitlingme,

Hang in there.  And it is ok not to be 'cuddly' with DN.  Remember, it's your presence that matters.  And you can soothe the 5 year old side of her by being close to her, lightly touching her shoulder, maybe rubbing her back.  Also, getting her through difficult situations by protecting her, that is huge.  You took a stand, "US" against them "them", and she was part of "us".  Little moments like that, repeated, will help.  I think I would also let her overhear you telling your sweetpeas "didn't DN do great.  This must be hard on her."  Keep it neutral, but complimentary, and don't direct at her or she will meltdown.

You are doing a great job my friend!  Thinking of you!

blessings

[clbmom]

I do understand how much it stresses DH and DN.
.... 
The part that makes me feel guilt/bad is that I can't be warm an cuddly to her when this kind of upset happens.  I'm reserved.  I do sit with her and talk...make her realize nothing is happening now.  I "talk"her through calming herself down.  I don't do it for her.  (If it were one of my SWP's I'd scoop them up in a giant bear hug and hold them until the tears went away.)  I just "can't" do that with DN.  Warm and cuddly just isn't there.  But, I try to bring her up closer to where the emotions of a 16yo should be, rather than allow her to just "stay" at the 5yo place.  I empathize and then remind her that at her age some of the  consoling should come from inside herself.  Am I doing this right???

I can only imagine how much this stresses your DH & DN!!!  Again, I'm so sorry your whole family & MIL are having to go through this.  It must be a terrible, terrible trigger for DN.  Volunteering with foster kids, it always strikes me that they largely have to parent themselves - which is often necessary in the circumstances, but so often so maladaptive and winds up causing our RADs to be RADdy. 

I so appreciate where you're coming from too though.  I started off being my usual warm & cuddly self with AD20 until, over time, I didn't dare touch her at all.  You can swoop your darling little SWP's up b/c they will LET you do so and won't lash back at you with their fists or false allegations when you cuddle them.  You're connected to them in a way you're not connected to DN, because she cannot connect back.  When I would genuinely feel bad for AD and want to offer her comfort in a situation like you're describing, I'd do other things... like bring her a warm blanket or mug of hot chocolate, make her homemade mac & cheese, sing a song to her (usually Carly Simon's "Child of Mine").  I'm sure you are comforting her in your own ways - as best as you can - and I really admire you for continuing to work with DN and giving it your best shot - especially in trying times like this!

[justine]

Neitling, the handful of times my ddworstrad let me sit close enough to her to even THINK of cuddling her, I also could not.   But I would simply put my hand on her head or side of her hair.   If she didn't do her fake "flinch", I would stroke her hair over and over while we/I talked or not.   My heart did not have to follow suit, I just used my hand to pass on the love that I know GOD has/had for her.   It helped me to think of myself as a deliverer of His peace or caring rather than sit there and dwell on my emotional distance (brought on by, well, YOU know...).     Good job on sitting with dn and for sticking up for her with that woman!

[anne]

   DN may not ever tell you, but you 'done good' taking her side and going Momma bear for her.   Dd16 never said anything, but after we went Parent Bear for her, she began to slowly think about unpacking her emotional suitcase.  Every little bit counts.  Dd16 isn't much of a cuddler either, but she's saved every single card from grade 1 on from her lunch bags and when she was having a rough day (I'd put them on her pillow).  Don't kid yourself, there are inroads being made here, but be ready to duck too. 

Prayers continuing from here.
 
anne