new here........another canuck

[spbpt]

hi everyone.......my son is now an adult and setting boundaries is scary as I have felt we were in healing mode where i needed to watch out for being punitive...........it is now beyond ridiculous and I must set firm boundaries for my sanity.......we are doing bclc for 6 years now with some healing but H is at best a young tween emotionally.   


Susan

[justine]

Welcome Sp.   My dh and two of my sweetpeas are canucks  .   How old is your son?   I have had 3 rads, but its my son, ds24, who is the scary one.   He suffers more from fetal alcohol effect than rad (but i believe now is rad as well).     Symptoms are frontal lobe damage of poor impulse control, poor judgement among others that makes me unable to have him alone with us.   Does your ds contact you?   How far away does he live?   Is he still in therapy?    Share what you want to and there are many of us now with "adult" kids in their 20s and beyond.   The early ages between 18 and 25 are especially scary.    And yes, my ds is emotionally many years younger than his age.  

[MaKettle]

Welcome spbpt.  You posted under prayer requests.  Is there a specific need we can be praying for?

[Kathleenb]

Susan! So glad you joined us.  Welcome!

As I told you, there are quite a few parents here dealing with adult RADs and trying to figure out how to establish their own boundaries, care for themselves and attend to their own healing, yet still keep a connection with the adult kid(s) - if it's healthy to do so.

One thing I forgot to mention to you - and it's a good read for any parents with adult rads - is Brenda McCreight's book called something like Recovery from Hazardous Parenting. If you google that you should find her site and be able to download it for an e-reader or in some other usable format.

[spbpt]

ds is with me at home and attempted suicide 34 days ago..................that's a worthwhile prayer request.......................i'm so frustrated with this new windows 8 so won't say much at a time as the screen closes....Susan

[Kathleenb]

Since Susan disclosed the attempted suicide, hopefully I won't be saying too much by noting how hard it is to establish boundaries when you're worried that pushing too hard could bring about a repeat attempt... You all know how it is; most of us with adult kids have worried at one time or another about what stupid, irretrievable thing our kids could do if we (fill in the blank).

[MaKettle]

What a tough spot to be in.  I will be praying for your family.

[Cher]

Yes Kathleen,  I so get where Susan is.

My DS28 puts me in the same position frequently.  My fear of the unknown with him is scary to say the least.  I wish I could read his mind; knpw in advance what he is thinking.

If EVER anyone figures out how to stay attached and get boundries set in gold, let me know, please.

[Carlie1975]

My fear of the unknown with him is scary to say the least.  I wish I could read his mind; knpw in advance what he is thinking.

This is what our kids feel like towards adult caregivers when they're young... interesting how they manage to turn the tables as adults.

[Kathleenb]

Carlie - that's INDUCEMENT.

http://www.nacac.org/adoptalk/inducement.html

Inducement, as it applies to relationships, is simply defined. With no words required, one person sets up a situation to make another person feel what the first person feels.

A child who feels abandoned feels intensely alone, intensely angry, intensely sad, intensely mad, and intensely crazy. Intensity is one of the qualities of all inducement. The other quality is that all of the feelings a child shares in this non-verbal way are negative. Anyone working with adoptive parents has surely heard the parents complaining that they are experiencing intensely negative feelings as a result of what their children are doing. In fact, parents who call an agency, a friend, or a therapist, often use the same words that describe an abandoned child's feelings:

"I feel so hopeless."
"I have never felt such rage before."
"I just feel so sad."
"This child is making me crazy."

That is solid proof of inducement. In short, the difference between general inducement and inducement by adopted children is that the feelings the children induce in their parents are specifically the horrible feelings of abandonment,

That's only part - it's a good article.

[Carlie1975]

Thanks for the link, Kathleen