destructive behavior

[Nina16]

I am so angry and frustrated.  My gs11 is in detention until next week while it is being decided which RTF they are going to send him to. One is 30 minutes away and the other is 4 hours away. Meanwhile he needs to be on his best behavior because they will choose the 4 hour, which is not what we want. I got a call today telling me that gs11 got on the computer and was looking at boobs. He never had feel access to computer at home and he has never done this at home. He also went to the bathroom and took some pipes apart to try to cause a flood. What is he thinking?  He cried on the phone telling me he loves me,  but he does things like this. We have told him several times his future is in their hands. He tells us one thing, but his action tells us another. He is going to cause me to have a break down. I worry about him all the time and my heart aches. I pray for healing for him all the time. Are RADS kids destructive like this? He is in detention for playing with fire several times. Please keep us in prayer.

[Cher]

Destruction is normal for RAD, yes.

I will continue to pray for him.

Will write more when I am back to a computer and not a cell phone.

[Truebluemom]

Praying for you all.  His behavior is a cry for help - at least it shows how badly he needs it.  Hoping he gets what he needs.

[anne]

((((((((Sassy))))))))))))
Praying, yes.
Destruction? Yes.
Right now though, it seems you are being given a bit of a respite break with him awaiting a facility.  Over the years with our darlins, we have started using any breaks for respite.  Right now our Dd18 has chosen to live at a shelter although she knows she can return home.  It is devastating.  But, we are also using this time to begin to heal because the others assure me here on the board, that she will need us to be strong for her down the road.  So, for her, for Ds15, and for ourselves, we are using this time to pray, to release her into her Father's hands, and to heal ourselves.  Sassy, perhaps you have been given this as well?  Trust Him.  There is only one thing we can do when our grand/children are not in our arms, and that is pray.  Please remember to take care of yourself in all of this, so that you will be strong for him throughout all of it.  ((((((((((Sassy)))))))))
 
anne

[Mama Bee]

I will pray that you can turn this over to God. It is so hard. When I am in a situation like this I try to think of the worst case scenario and either be grateful that things are not as bad as that or accept that XYX is the very worst that can happen and how I will live with that. He is eleven. That is a blessing. He can still get help. If he was 22, he might be in prison for a long time. Four hours is not convenient, but maybe there is a reason for it that you can't see at this point.

It sounds like a good facility that is keeping on top of things.

And destruction is definitely a rad thing. I am not getting new furniture until they are grown. Clogging toilets at home and school, destroying beds, vacuum cleaners, blowing out the electricity in the garage, tearing doors off of the hinges, to name the ones that come quickly to mind.

[justine]

So sorry, Sassy.  Our kids have such low self worth and feelings of rejection that they often self sabatoge.   Even things they REALLY want to do, they will sabatoge so a "bad" thing can happen instead.   Fear of failure, fear of "enjoying" life and sometimes jsut a desire NOT to please authority/parents even if they want the same thing you do. 

Its hard to know.  And yes, some of our kids here are terribly destructive like this. Poor impulse control, poor judgement are hallmarks of fetal alcohol affected kids but often in our kids who are not FAE (though many are or are suspected of being)

[Nina16]

Thanks for your feed back. It is so hard to believe gs11 has become so destructive.  He never destroyed his toys or things when he was younger. As he is getting older, more behavior is developing. I am glad he is getting the help now, but it's not any easier right now.

Mama Bee, what happen when he clogged the toilet at school? I fear local RTF denying him because of his destruction in bathrooms (this is not the first time doing this in a bathroom) .  Thanks guys. You guys are great and are strong people.

Anna (sassy)

[momof3]

Yes, destructive and then lies about it.  We found the vacuum cleaner broken and dd was the last one to use it.  Now she's lying that it wasn't like that when she put it away.  Sears told us it will cost between $60-$100 to repair the piece she busted apart. 

She also cut off her long hair on one side just above her shoulders.  Lied about that too and said she didn't know what happened to it. 

Think of every evil known to mankind and know RADs are capable of those behaviors.  JMHO FWIW.

Sigh . . .

[blessingsindisguise]

As I write this, I sit in a home destroyed by rad. Holes in walls, doors, broken planters, the list goes on.

And we have done repairs along the way.  Just that there was so much damage, it overwhelmed me.

I amnowdoi g better and able to face the projects.

Your grandson is 11, possibly going through puberty. This is when things went downhill, and downhill fast at our house with our son and daughter.

My advice is to keep people safe.  Yourself included.  And the hardest thing, protecting your grandson from himself.

His behaviors will guide you, not his words.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

blessings

[Mama Bee]

sassy- My son's school made him and the other two boys involved help the janitor clean the walls in the cafeteria. I would have made him scrub the bathroom floor with a toothbrush.

I am about where blessing is, the amount of destruction is overwhelming at times. I am at the point where I don't fix the cosmetic things because it is almost as if they consider it an invitation to use their creative/ destructive ideas on a clean canvas.

My dear ad rad10 once turned on the window fan and sprayed baby powder all over the room. If I put clothes in boxes in their closet for out of season storage, she takes them out, throws them all over the room and crushes the boxes. They've destroyed mini-blinds and curtains. I finally bought some draperies at the Dollar General for $12/window since they looked okay and I wouldn't care if they wrecked them.

When I buy nice clothes, she and rad9 destroy them intentionally. The younger ones aren't quite as bad. So it doesn't pay to buy them anything remotely nice. Today I bought my youngest as rad4,a new coat. His old one had no zipper pull and a hole in it. That was where his brother, rad9 took a metal pole- a crossbar from rad4's bed- and was banging on the coat as he watched the feathers fly. This was at 2or 3 in the morning. I asked him why he was doing it. ( I wasn't thinking straight in the middle of the night to think that he would actually give me a logical answer.) He just stared blankly at me.

Recently I shared how one of them wrapped a hard thick plastic sheep in wipes and clogged the toilet with it. With five of them, I can hardly ever figure out who does things.

Banging nails into trees, flattening siblings bike tires and scratching my car with their bikes. The 4 yr old  has banged on the washer hard enough to dent it, ordered things on ebay when my back was turned, ordered a porno show when he was 3 before i knew how to block the channels, checked out the local singles matchmaking site that comes up as a sidebar on  my computer.

Early on in our journey, my rad10 who was only 4 or 5, intentionally burned herself on the woodstove  so the babysitter would give her the same attention she was giving a younger sib who had an injury.

I am often discouraged, sometimes depressed, but never bored. If I go somewhere to a meeting or church and it is calm, I often fall asleep. I think it is from being hyper-vigilant for so long.

 

[anne]

(((((((Sassy))))))))
For us, we taught the kiddos early on to use a toilet plunger and bought one especially for their bathroom.  But, the destruction didn't end.  We have had some success with different therapies with Ds15 to ID and manage his anxieties.  For us, it was anxiety that was at the root of destruction, but if he's in a rage?  Well, just duck.  Thankfully, at 15, this is becoming extremely rare, but there were those 5 years.... Please, remember that this is an issue of family safety first and foremost.  When children are destructive and when family is worn down and fearful, no healing can take place.
 
anne

[Nina16]

Thanks for sharing. One day when my dh told gs11,  he needed some help to break up cement. He got excited and said he loved to destroy things. My dh talked to him about that. At that time, I did not realize how destructive he would become. He will be watched when he comes home, but that may not be for a while. Court hearing is Wednesday and we haven't had our meeting with insurance as to which RTF he will be going to. I don't know what courts will say. It's not our fault, we have been trying to get this meeting scheduled.  Pleased continue to pray for us. I don't want him sent 4 hrs away. He was abandoned by his mother at 2 and his father died 4 years ago (my son), I do not want him to lose us too. He is attached, maybe in an unhealthy way (don't know) .
   Anna (Sassy)

[Mama Bee]

Continuing to pray for you.

(((((((((((((((((((sassy))))))))))))))))))

[blessingsindisguise]

Absolutely continuing to pray.

Stay strong.  I do not mean to be discouraging, but your grandson is possibly only entering the destructive phase of his life as he goes through puberty.  Keep yourself strong and safe so that you can advocate for our grandson and keep him safe from himself.

We will be here for you as you mourn the loss of your son and the struggles of your grandson.

blessings

[anne]

Praying from here.  Please also remember to allow yourself to cry, to be sad, to just sit quietly.  You all need time to heal.
 
anne