I have been struggling through the past couple of months with my 9-year old son, in essence, witnessing his self-esteem nearly crumble as he, again, has slipped into some sort of a "funk." I'm having this strange feeling of deja vu because something very similar happened last winter through spring. While he will try to attribute it to one event or another (I suspect that this week, he might try to pin it on the fact that I purchased tickets for our family to see a local production of The Nutcracker Sunday afternoon), I keep coming back to the conclusion that it's not about the external as much as it's about the internal....his self-esteem and self-concept. He can't imagine himself enjoying things...enjoying life...so one day passes into another as something to get "done" without much meaning at all as far as working toward something.
I've pulled out my copy of When a Stranger Calls You Mom for review. My husband attended one of Katharine Leslie's conferences on attachment just before Thanksgiving, and we spent part of our Thanksgiving road trip time to Illinois discussing some of the highlights of the book while the boys watched movies in the back seat. I'd read the book for the first time last spring, so I was a little foggy on the details, but I remembered that she had made some good points which seemed to describe our son to a tee.
I want to share with you all the portion about self-esteem and self-concept. I suspect that I'm not the only one seeing a rise in negative behaviors with Christmas just around the corner. It may help us all to remember how fragile our kids really are on the inside despite the thick walls they build around themselves to keep us out.
When A Stranger Calls You Mom: A Child Development and Relationship Perspective on Why Traumatized Children Think, Feel, and Act the Way They Do," Katharine Leslie, Ph. D. (pages68-70.)
Self-Esteem and Self-Concept
Self-esteem is defined as finding pleasure, satisfaction, and love in different parts of the self, the parts being one's self concept. Self-concept then is the "who you are" and self-esteem is the "how you feel about who you are." Pf course, we are not always happy and pleased with every part of who we are, but the broader the self-concept, the more possibilities for self-esteem.
The process of acquiring self-esteem is initiated in infancy, when love, acceptance, and value are given to the infant unconditionally just for existing in the world. The unconditional love and acceptance experienced in the first year or two of life lays the foundation for later self-esteem.
As the child ages, however, the criteria and conditions for acceptance change--existence alone is no longer enough. In other words, a mother may love her child just for being, but everyone else will expect something from the child.
These new expectations cause the child to have many self-doubts, but with a foundation of self-esteem and a broad self-concept (the self is multi-faceted), the child can most likely weather the criticism and negative evaluations that usually accompany socialization into the larger community.
With increasing age, children further internalize the criteria (standards to be attained) for positive self-esteem and begin to evaluate themselves against these external criteria. This social comparison can spur children to broaden their self-concept and strengthen their self-esteem.
And thus a parent's unconditional adoration of the infant and later expectations for prosocial behaviors create a psychological loop within the child by which he satisfies the expectations of others, is reinforced by others, internalizes their acceptance, and satisfies expectations within himself, which then gives him impetus to satisfy the expectations of others, and so on.
The positive actions and emotions of the parent early in the child's existence help to create within the child a functional system for gaining a robust sense of self and a sense of belonging to the larger community.
However, those infants and very young children who infrequently, or never, feel a deep sense of being loved, accepted, and valued by significant others never learn to love, accept, and value themselves. There is no esteem by others to internalize into self-esteem. As a result, no psychological loop of prosocial behaviors, and no sense of reward for doing so are initiated.
Therefore, no functional system is created. Those children whose feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness are anchored in shame create rich fantasy lives of false attributes, unearned pride, and omni-innocence. These children don't wait to receive accolades from others, but, instead, are self-congatulatory for the simplest of deeds and offended when others don't think equally high of them.
In essence, they continue to function as if they should be loved, admired, and exalted just for existing in the world.
Other traumatized children's fantasy lives take on a more bleak and desperate appearance. Their feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness are anchored by guilt and they assume they are unlovable and that no one can, or ever will, love them. Their sense of being unlovable is internalized as self-loathing, which immobilizes them and cripples their development. Depression and self-abuse are common responses.
To maintain this negative working model, these children will take on life-long crusades to prove to everyone that they are unlovable. This usually includes sabotaging all good that comes their way, leeriness and negativity about trying new things, and a lack of mastery. Conveniently, if there is no self-concept, then there is no need for self-esteem.
Did that pack a punch for any of you as much as it did for me?
As I was reading the last two sentences, I found myself having an "aha!" moment. It makes a little more sense now why my son seems to have no motivation for school or basically anything that puts some form of external measures on his performance.
Even within a play-based situation, he's quite "stuck" in his own rituals of solitary play with the same toys, doing the same things. The toys he prefers most are those appropriate for much younger children. While I can appreciate the idea that he's stuck in a younger "emotional age," and I need to be responsive to him at that level, my concern is that he doesn't seem to see any purpose in trying to do anything any differently than what he's doing now...which is very little.
OK--in a nutshell, I am just utterly baffled by his perceptions of situations and events...his responses to the expectations placed upon him. What makes him "tick" the way he does? What will it take to tap into his "potential?"
I watched him during his Scout meeting the other night, and as I might have expected, he got all excited when his den leader mentioned that there would be a little reward for the first three boys who completed their requirements for the Citizenship badge. My son's eyes lit up and anyone watching him would have been convinced that eh would be the "first!" ...that he'd be the one to get those last pieces in place before next week's meeting. He put on a very convincing show, but now that we're home again and the prompt has been forgotten, he's got no internal motivation to do what he needs to do to complete the requirement.
The fact of the matter is that we've already been working on this particular badge for at least two months. He could have had this finished before Thanksgiving. The part that's holding him up is that he and I are supposed to make a list of jobs that he will do to help around the house for one week and he's supposed to show "improvement." I had a list ready to go before Thanksgiving...it's still hanging on the wall..nothing "checked off."
He's also supposed to be "cooperative" and "respectful" while he does the jobs. He's already made up his mind, it seems, that he can't fulfill that...that there's no purpose in it. How very sad.....
Anyway...I'd be interested in discussing this matter of self-esteem and seeing if any of you have had any successes in helping to build your child's self-esteem, particularly with schooling.
Thanks!
Liz
